Ok so i finally have plucked up the courage to talk about this online because I'm starting to really struggle with the situation im in. I suppose ill start from the beginning and tell the full story so ye can understand best. Im a 19 year old otherwise straight male and im in love with my best friend. So for the 2 years previous to this year I had the best friend in the world. We were in the same year in high school but it was only after a few years that we got close. I was never really a popular guy in school, I was pretty much hated for my first 3 years of high school and only had 2 or 3 good friends all of which were girls. I transferred into that school from a different one and I was very shy so I was never really given a chance. It was only after a trip away about 3 years ago that I became friends with all the guys in my year. I finally put myself out there and was the guy who went drinking on the trip against the rules and thats how I got in with the popular guys. After that I was good friends with all the guys and was invited to partys and met up regularly. But after a while I realised I had nothing i common with most of them. It was only a few months later I started to become friends with Jack (not his real name) Jack didnt attend the trip where i became friends with everyone else so It was nice to know we were becoming friends because we had stuff in common. Jack was a popular guy but not your typical popular guy. He was a guy who everyone liked and everyone talked to and he played all the sports but he wasn't one of the main popular guys he was just a nice guy. When we first became friends he was dating a girl in the year ahead of us (very good looking girl). On nights out he would spend the first half hanging around with me and the other guys and then spend the end of the night with her. Slowly but surely we started becoming closer and closer and he was my best friend. By the next semester in school we were attached at the hip. Everyone knew we were best friends, you wouldn't see one of us without the other. He began to drift from his old friends and spent more and more time with me. We had the best connection, we just got along so well and had so much in common. Anyways his girlfriend finished with him after a few months and he took it bad, but I helped him through it and it only strenghtened our friendship. For another whole year we continued the same attached at the hip. The next summer i got my drivers licence and I used to drive to all the nights out meaning I was always sober. Even though Jack and I were best friends, there was 6 guys in the group we just all had a best friend. But anyways, that summer on our first night out we were at the pub and met a group of girls who we knew very well but went to a different school. I had been with one of them for a while so I knew I was going to be with her all night but I had to set Jack up with somebody. I set him up with Ellie ( not her real name) and they spent the night together too. Ellie is an important player in this story. Long summer short, he ended up spending most nights out with Ellie, i had ended thing with the other girl soon after the first night of summer. I was glad that Jack and Ellie were together, after all I did set them up, and she was nice and Jack and I were still as close as ever. However in August of that summer things got very complicated, Ellie went away for 3 weeks to a Camp to help with her French. She went with a group of friends one of which I was head over heals for and was texting alot before she went away. Anyways while Ellie was away, one of Ellies "supposedly" best friends started flirting with Jack and after 2 weeks of keeping Jack away from her he gave in the night before Ellie came home and basically did everything with this girl. The next night Ellie was home and they all went out for a night out. This girl told one of her friends she had been with Jack and that girl told Ellie. There was a big fight and Jack asked me to deny everything and tell Ellie he hadn't been with her friend. I did what a good friend would do and denied it all and made the girl out to look like a liar ( not a proud moment for me ). About a week after this myself and Jack had our first fight. We both got drunk and said stiff we shouldn't have but Jack is a very very VERY stubborn person and ignored me for a week after i called him numerous times. The next weekend I saw him on a night out and he was with Ellie and I went over to him on the street. He didn't want to talk but i sat there and told everyone to go away. I sat while he looked away and talked about how much he meant to me, i was never so soppy in my life. Eventually I said "I love you, i dont know what I'd do without you and you know that" I meant that as a friend but i knew deep down It might have been something else. He turned around to me then and started to talk and said he cared about me and that he felt the same and that I was his best friend and everything went back to normal, I actually think this made our friendship stronger. So after that when we went back to school in September Jack asked Ellie to be his girlfriend which I helped him do. I was happy for them. She went to a different school so it didnt affect our friendship. Jack used to sleep at my house regularly and tell me everything that was going on in their relationship. It was in October that my life changed forever. It was 4 one of our best friends joint 18ths partys. I met him at the pre party, he was acting different, he was not a big drinker but he had a litre of voda and a load of cans with him. He drank all the cans and a bit of the vodka. We then went to the pub where he drank more. I had gone off with a girl I was texting for a while and came back to see Jack very drunk. Ellie came over to me and said she couldnt handle him drunk so I ended up minding him. I brought him outside where he spent an hour getting sick. It was ten he told me he love Ellie, he said "I think I love her" and I said "Shut up Drunkie, you don't know what love is" after another hour he had started to sober up considering he sad puked most of the alcohol up. ELlie came outside and I went back inside to find my other friends. At the end of the night I met them again and me and Jack were suposed to spend the night at our friends house. But jack said "can I stay at your house" ? My house was 30 minutes away and my friends was a 2 minute walk but I said ok and we got a bus at 3am back to my house with a group who were heading home anyways. We got to my house and went straight to bed. We were both sober at this stage. We got a hot water bottle because we were freezing and put it in between us. The first thing strange was that he took off his tshirt, which he had never ever done before, we always slept with a tshirt on. We were talking for a while and he was drawing on my hand. Then he took my hand and put it down his underwear. He was h**d. I took my hand away and said what are you doing and he said "come on" and took my hand again. I let him and then he put his hand down my pants and started j*****g me off. Then he went down on me and got really into it, i was shaking because firstly I didnt know where this had come out of and secondly I was enjoying it which I was so confused about. After a few minutes he came back up and i just grabbed him and kissed him and we made out. It was the best kissing I have ever experienced, it was passionate, like nothing I ever felt before. I then went down on him and we did a bit more stuff that i wont say but we did everything but *** itself. When we finished I asked him what that was about and he said "I Dont know, I think women are the way to go though". I left it at that it was 5:30am and we both went to sleep. Weeks went by without it ever being mentioned, he started ignoring me, not texting me, and acting weird in general. By December we barely talked, i mentioned it to him and asked was it because of what we did and he said "NO i dont even think about that, what we did was so wrong but people drift, dont blame it on that!!!" I was lost, I had lost my best friend and I was a wreck, i slowly started to realise that I was in love with him, My life was nothing without him. He was still with Ellie, who he had cheated on with me. We fought all over christmas and on NYE one of my friends got us together to sort it out. we talked all night and "sorted" it but it was never the same. Eventually about 2 weeks before Valentines we had a massive talk and sorted it out again and went back to being really good friends. On valentines night we went to my friends for Pre drinks and i spent all night with Jack talking and laughing. In the taxi (mini bus) We sat up the front alone while the others were at the back. We were talking and he asked me to keep a ping promice about something stupid, we were very drunk but he started holding my hand. Then when we got to the pub we went off to the park to finish our cans alone whilst the others went in to the pub. We were talking and then i was going to the toilet and he came up beside me and went too. I caught him starting at me and laughed and called him out about it. He laughed too. We talked for ages in the park, I could feel the tension building and I knew something was going to happen. But a group of girls came into the same place we were and nothing ended up happening. We went into the pub and he met Ellie and I was with a girl who I didnt even like just for the sake of looking like I didnt care. After that night again he ignored me and we had a huge fight over text the next day where he basically bullied me about anything I ever did and about the time I cried when I was drunk. We didn't talk again until March when we had another fight, however this was a physical one, where I approached him for spreading a rumour about me being with a girl and he grabbed me and pushed me and we threw punches before being pulled off each other. The next time we spoke was June, just before our exams because we were the only two people who took this certain subject so we had to discuss it in outside school class. After that it was July when we talked at work ( yes we work together too) He was still with Ellie, a year together. Anyways last september Ellie ended it with him after she started college. He was in state and who did he come running to ? yup me :smilewave Of course I helped him, I still felt the same about him regardless of how he treated me, i helped him through all of it. We both go to different colleges now but we are only 40 minutes away from eachother, just one bus ride. We talk all the time now, we are back best friends, he flirts over text all the time especially when he talks about how hes going to come and stay with me and sais thingds like "me and you :icon_wink " I guess at the moment I dont know what to do. Im madly in love. I dont know why i feel this way, hes the only guy I look at in that way. Hes all I want, nothing has been the same since. I know it was only one time but it was the best one time. I just dont know what to do, i know if i tell him, he will not say that he feels the same because of who he is. Can anyone give me some advice ? A few things to note: Sorry about the length of this I just thought it would give a better understanding of how I feel and what has happened. I told one of my friends whose a girl and she hasnt been able to give me great advice, she knows jack but doesnt understand the situation. Jack is a major "Homophobe" he always was in school and that was another thing I didnt understand when it happened. He works in a nightclub in college now and took a picture on Snapchat with the caption #gaynight.
Oh Sweetie. Your situation is somehow similar to mine. The best thing is to open up amd tell him how you feel. it will set you free. If he feels the same about you then great! and even if he doesnt feel the same way then you know you did all you could! You have taken off the burden! I really don't think Jack is gay, he maybe Bi but he is clearly not accepting it.
I think you are perhaps looking at this from the wrong angle. In my opinion your first priority would be to figure out what exactly it is that you feel. I'm sure you love your friend very much but what kind of love is that actually? Is it romantic love? Is it familial love? Is it friendly love? You mentioned that Jack is basically the first friend you feel connected to. I think this is significant. You were bullied before and then you suddenly found a good friend. Your emotions may have more to do with this than with your sexuality. It is well documented that under certain circumstances significant fraction of people engage in homosexual activity although they are not gay or bi. This just to highlight the fact that although you enjoyed your sexual encounter it does not necessarily determine your emotions toward him. Especially since you lack any precedent case of homosexual attraction. Before talking to Jack about your emotions I think you should first try to make some sense out of them yourself. If you are in college, there is bound to be a psychologist on campus who you can talk to about this. You should definitely talk to Jack about this whole issue. It sounds like he is at least as confused as you are. I think the message you should get across to Jack is that: 1) You are his friend and you very much care about him and would hate to see if your friendship deteriorated. 2) You have no problem with what happened between you two if he has no problem with it either. 3) Since you are such close friends you both should feel safe about talking about any issues in your friendship. 4) If all the above has been established you can tell him how you felt about when he basically ignored you. Not that you feel any grudge about it but it would be fair for him to avoid doing that kind of thing in the future. I mean it's OK to take distance but it would be nice to talk about this openly so that you won't be left guessing what the F is going on. As general advice, don't be overtly dramatic or emotional with the conversation as that is risky. Keeping it cool and rational level is very much advisable. Good luck and tell us how this story develops.
I thought about what you said Euler, It made me look at the situation from an outside view. You are right in what you are saying but I have a huge attraction to this guy now, I think he's good looking, he gives me butterflies when he texts me. Its definitely a romantic Love. Im just scared as to what to do about the situation because if I tell Jack how I feel, hes the type who could react really bad to it. I want to tell him, of course I do because it would take such a weight off my shoulder regardless of the outcome but I am terrified of losing the one person who means the world to me. Hes probably coming to stay with me in college next month, should I see how he is acting then and go from there or ? Ive never been so confused in my life :help:
It's really difficult to say as an outsider. I don't know you or your friend and all I have to work with is this story which does not really tell me what is going inside your mind. Let me share about my own similar experience. I have this friend who I thought I'm romantically and sexually interested. Lucky me, he also happens to be bisexual and told him about my feelings. I got rejected at first but after 6 months he told me he thinks his feelings have changed. We tried a relationship for a month but concluded that although we love each other deeply and enjoyed physical intimacy, we were not sexually or romantically interested in each other (or at least I wasn't). We still remain friends and we are close but I'm now even more confused why did I think I love him in romantic/sexual way. Am I just confused what is love in the first place? My theory, which I still need to run through a psychologist, is that because I lacked normal balanced parental love as a child and because I was bullied and/or socially isolated for my two important formative periods (early childhood 3-5) and early teenage years (13-16), my perception of love is distorted. I felt connected with this friend and he was one of the first people I felt a connection with. He was friendly and felt safe to me. Perhaps what I experienced was just normal friendly love which I assumed was romantic love but lacking experience with friendly or familial love I mistook the nature of it. This may sound horrible but for most of my friends I don't really give a shit about on emotional level. Meaning if they just vanished I think I would not be at all upset by it emotionally. (Now this is a sign of deeper psychological problems problems and I'm aware of it.) This signals lack of emotional connection which most people experience with their friends and this has been true for most of my life. He was one of the first if not the first friend who I felt emotional about. I don't know if my story has any relevance to your case but I hope it highlights the point that although we often think we know what we feel, it is not always the case.
you two are most likely Bi, like both of you because of your attraction to both genders, id love to hear how this goes because I was basically like this (minus all the physical stuff and girlfriends) with one or two of my friends during my life (yes ive only really had two at a time and sometimes even one) but i never had the courage to say anything (that and i didnt know what i was feeling at the time) just know that whatever you decide to do ill have huge respect for you, you do what you feel is truly right
