Hello, so this has been really getting me down lately and I would really appreciate some help and advice. Please bear with me! I'm a 19 year old girl and I've always considered myself straight. I have a boyfriend of two years who I know I love. I love his company, I think he's so handsome,I'd do anything for him and so much of what I do is to make him happy. We have quite a physical relationship- I love hugging him and kissing him and we have sex regularly, but I have never orgasmed. He is so romantic and he gives me butterflies in my stomach still. We have such a happy relationship. But about 5 months ago I started experimenting with porn, because I had never orgasmed before and my boyfriend suggested I learnt how to do it myself so that I could show him. I had never had an interest in porn before and had never watched it. So I began watching porn regularly. But I began noticing/worrying that it was the girls in the porn that I was focusing on and not the men. There's something about their bodies that excites me like men don't. I was really surprised and uncomfortable when I discovered this and was in denial for a while. But I've started noticing girls and admiring them on the street. I spend half my time worrying that I'll see a girl or a picture that will turn me on. I test myself by trying to masturbate to gay men's porn, and I have orgasmed to it once or twice but it is way easier when watching straight porn. I haven't experimented that much with lesbian porn, mostly because I'm worried about the results. Basically I'm worried that I might be a lesbian. I say worried only because of my relationship situation. If I am a lesbian, it would kill me to tell my boyfriend. I'm not homophobic in any way- one of my closest friends is a lesbian and another of my friends is gay. When they came out I supported them wholly. It might seem to some people that I'm clearly a lesbian but I have so many doubts. I've never fancied a girl romantically. I only ever picture myself being in a relationship with males. The relationship I'm in is so perfect, except that the guilt that I get turned on by girls is eating me alive. I wish I could rewind 5 months and never watch porn and begin to question my orientation. The thing is, I do enjoy sex, but maybe that's just because I enjoy seeing my boyfriend enjoying it? I feel like my attraction towards women is purely physical, and that it it a direct result of watching porn. I have pictured myself kissing girls and it kind of excites me, but not a whole load. I've read that porn can alter your sexual orientation, or awaken some deep feelings you'd never acknowledged before. I'm a loyal girlfriend, I'd never look at or admire other boys. I read somewhere that denying yourself this can make you look towards girls instead. Is that what happened? Or is that just internet trash? I'm an attractive girl and before I got together with my boyfriend, I would get lots of attention from other boys and I loved it. I'm big into makeup and fashion and doing myself up. Whenever I do myself up its for boys. When I'm hanging out with just girls I look like a squid and I don't care. Either way I'm going to try to stop watching porn, because I know I'm slightly addicted to it and it has negative effects on the mind. I really hope I am straight because I love being with my boyfriend and I can't see myself having a girlfriend. Does that even make sense? Does anyone have a similar story to me? Can anyone offer their opinion? I'd be so grateful. Thank you if you read this the whole way! I know it's a bit all over the place.
Your probably straight. Or perhaps bi sexual.. A lot of straight women get turned on by gay porn... porn doesn't distinguish your sexual orientation. If you can't see yourself in a relationship with a women you have nothing to be worried about.
Interest in specific types of porn does not mean that you are interested in those specific types of people. As I have heard it said elsewhere here on EC, "You can like watching sports, even if you don't like playing them." Porn does not change anyone's sexual orientation. If you like being with your boyfriend, then embrace those feelings. Enjoy your time with him. Have the very best relationship that you can. Remember that it is not either/or. You can love your boyfriend and still feel an attraction to other men or other women. These feelings are also normal.
