My story goes as follows. When I was younger I would watch gay porn pretty exclusively but I never once had feelings for any men. I always had crushes on girls and always had visions of getting married and having a family. I never once envisioned my self with a man in any kind of relationship only sexual fantasies. These fantasies never involved men I knew. Only fantasies about made up men. Sometimes I would not even be in the fantasies. I would go in gay chat rooms and what not. Some times people wanted to meet up with me but I was never interested. When I was 21 I thought I'll give it a try. I did and it ended up being one of the worst experiences of my life. I could not get hard. I did not enjoy the sex. I have never seeked out any encounter ever again or been back online to chat with men that was 7 years ago. I'm 29 now. Since then I have been exclusively with women. I have a serious girlfriend that I'm very much in love with and want to marry someday. However I get these intrusive thoughts about guys. Once again not anyone I know but just random thoughts. They don't usually arose me. Today I watched gay porn to test myself like I do from time to time and I got turned on. It was the first time in a while. I feel so much guilt. The sex with my GF is great I rarely have a hard time keeping hard. When I do fantasize and get aroused it's about specific women like Porn stars, a hot girl I've seen in public or my girlfriend. One of my favorite things sexually with my GF is eating her out. I just don't see how someone who is gay would enjoy doing that. In the last week every man I look at I think to myself do I think he's hot. Could I see myself being with him sexually or in a relationship. I feel very guilty, scared and confused. Any advice that you may have would be greatly appreciated.
I think I should expand upon this and say I have OCD in general. I sometimes obsess over harming others, trying to get back with women that treated me terribly etc.
I used to believe I had HOCD. I found the idea of being in romantic relationship with another man intrusive but it turned out it was not HOCD because I still wanted sex with a guy. I have internalized homophobia when it comes to being in a romantic relationship with a guy. Also I'm romantically attracted to girl which lead to the confusion for me. Anyways, if you have HOCD because you find gay thoughts intrusive, you need to avoid reassurance. Your thoughts are the obsessions "Am I gay?" "Does getting an erection from gay porn make me gay?", and your actions are the compulsions - Watching gay porn to reassure if you get an arousal. First of all, you need to separate 'fantasy' from 'reality'. If you enjoy watching gay porn, so what? It's just a fantasy, not reality. It's also helpful to know that sexuality isn't always black and white, meaning you might be bi-curious but you would rather not act on it. I hope this helps
You should not feel guilty for this at all. You have done nothing wrong. Remember, it is possible to be bi, or two be bi and have stronger feelings for girls. And how you said you can only get off thinking about guys when it's a complete stranger kind of makes me think it's the feeling of it more that arouses you rather than the connection between you and the other guy. For girls, you may care about that connection more because you're more into girls and that's why it has to be with someone you know. And you are content with your gf and very happy it seems with every aspect of the relationship. So what if you think of guys sometimes? If you get off to it sometimes then what's the harm in that? We're sexual creatures and we can't control what turns us on. If you didn't feel right in the relationship because you thought you weren't that into girls, then that's something you'd want to address so you can live a more authentic life and be with who you want to be with. But that doesn't seem to be the case at all here. You may want to see what others have to say on this, but in my opinion based on what you've said, you are into girls (if not also liking the idea of sex with guys) and a lot of this is probably related to your OCD. And none of this is wrong or bad, so don't feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong and there's nothing wrong about what you're feeling other than maybe the fact that it's stressing you out a lot.
Thanks, that helps a lot. Unlike you I don't have any desire to have a same sex experience again. I've never found any man that I've ever known attractive enough that I wanted to sleep with him. After I acted upon my fantasies they have been few and far between. They're usually very vague and not very detailed. I really like my life right now outside of being ocd and getting horrible anxiety. My OCD isn't just limited to my sexual orientation so that is relieving as well.
