(Tried posting this already but it failed) I'm a 19 year old girl and have always considered myself to be straight. I've had crushes on boys as long as I can remember, and until recently, had never thought about girls in a sexual way. I have a boyfriend of two years who I love very much. He's so romantic and handsome. I'd do anything for him, and a lot of what I do is to make him happy. I'm so comfortable in our relationship. We're quite touchy Feely- I love kissing him and hugging him and he still gives me butterflies in my stomach. We have sex regularly but I have never orgasmed, or felt close to it. My boyfriend suggested I tried masturbating to porn to see how to make myself orgasm, so that I could show him. So about 5 months ago, I started watching porn and I haven't stopped since. A while ago though, I began noticing/ worrying that it was the girls in the videos that I was paying attention to, and not the boys. There's something about their bodies that excites me like men don't. Ever since that realisation I've begun noticing girls in real life and admiring girls on the street. It makes me really uncomfortable because I've never imagined I was anything but straight, and I feel guilty and ashamed that my boyfriend doesn't turn me on in the same way. I spend half my time trying to suppress excitement or worrying that a girl or picture will turn me on. Basically, I'm worried that I'm a lesbian. I say worried only because it would kill my boyfriend if I was. (Obviously) Maybe to some people it would seem obvious that I am a lesbian. But I have so many doubts. I've never fancied a girl in real life. I don't have romantic feelings towards girls. I can only picture myself being in a relationship with men. Lots of my friends are gay/ lesbian, so I don't think I'm just too unfamiliar and in denial with the idea of a gay relationship to acknowledge it. The relationship I'm in is the perfect one, besides this one thing. When I'm with my boyfriend I feel sure I'm not a lesbian but it's at night when I'm alone that I get upset and doubtful. Not orgasming during sex doesn't bother me, but I have this horrible feeling of guilt and secrecy and lies that's eating me up inside. I'm an attractive girl, and before I got with my boyfriend, I would get lots of attention from other boys and I loved it. Whenever I do myself up, it's in the hopes that boys will notice me. When I hang out with just girls I look like a squid and I don't even care. I've read a lot of things about porn on the Internet- that it can alter your orientation or awaken some deep unknown desire inside you. I recently have tried 'testing' myself and trying to orgasm to gay porn and it has happened but it doesn't give me the thrill that watching girls (straight or lesbian porn) does. But porn is fake and it sexualises women. Maybe I've just fallen for that? If I stop watching porn, my attraction to the female body might fade away again? I'm a really loyal girlfriend - I've never looked at another boy since I got with my boyfriend. But I've read that that's unhealthy and can lead you to start looking at girls instead. Could that be what happened? Or is that just rubbish? I really hope that I am straight. Because I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him. I can't see myself with a girlfriend. I feel like my attraction to girls is purely physical and a direct result of watching (too much, perhaps) porn. Either way I'm going to try to stop watching porn. I feel like it's addictive and has negative?? effects on the mind. I'm also a bit ashamed and embarrassed of how much i watch. I'd really appreciate some help or advice. Thank you if you read all of this. I don't want to be confused and upset any more
I'm sorry, you're going through a lot. Questioning your orientation isn't an easy thing, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Most of the stuff you said you've been reading on the internet most likely isn't reliable in my opinion. You are born with your orientation and that can show in different ways or at different times, and it can be scary, but it's not a scary thing. Take things slow, take a deep breath, calm down. Relax. I know it's stressful but you don't deserve to be stressed out this much, especially over feelings you can't control. If you feel something, you feel it. No matter how you try to push it down, it's still there. Now, I'm not saying definitively that you are attracted to girls. Ultimately, only you can figure that out, but it's important to be open about it with yourself. First of all, your porn-watching habits are not necessarily indicative of your orientation because it's all very fake. It's what you fantasize and imagine on your own that's more telling, and where your eyes go when you're around other people. Bisexuality is a possibility to. Some people are attracted to guys and girls, and some are attracted more to one gender than another. Attraction towards one gender does not disprove attraction towards another. Take your time with this and try not to stress to much. Do you notice ever thinking guys are attractive that you see? It's important though not to try and convince yourself that you're attracted to someone or try to see if you could be. This creates a lot of stress and won't help you. It's important to get used to letting things happen as they happen and not frantically over-thinking it. Once you figure things out more, you may want to talk about it with your boyfriend. You certainly don't have to come out to anyone about anything if you're not ready, but if you feel like maybe telling him could take some of the weight off of your shoulders you may want to consider that down the road. But don't feel like you owe him anything or you're wronging him. Nothing you described is your fault and it's not a bad thing either. You're discovering more about yourself and that's okay. Just see how it goes, but don't feel like you should be guilty for anything. You feel what you feel and accepting that is the best thing you can do. I wish you the best and if you ever want to chat more, you can wall message me (once you make 10 posts)<3 This website is definitely the right place to come and it can really help you to keep coming here and talking about things. There are a lot of great, helpful people here, many of whom have gone through similar experiences.
I'd just like to add one more possibility to that. Your romantic orientation and your sexual orientation don't necessarily have to match up. You could only like romantic relationships with guys, and think sexually about girls, or romantically both sexually one, there are lots of possibilities. Honestly, if you are in love with someone it's more important for a relationship than if you like... Erm... Sexy time with them. Eugh I feel disgusting with that sentence but I can't think of a different way to say it. Although don't count on this because I'm like 16 so I'm just learning about the world. Hope you find what your orientation is soon (*hug*)
