I am a 20 year old female in the throws of questioning her sexuality. I have been questioning for awhile and have always come to the conclusion I was straight. However, I am always nagged by the idea that I actually gay and in denial. This is a long story so I'm sorry in advance. When I was younger I chased boys around and definitely had my share of crushes. However, when I was 12 I was watching a dance performance and caught myself looking at a girl. I thought to myself, "It's like you have a crush on her or something!" And from that point on I was riddled with unadulterated guilt. Every time I thought a girl was attractive or pretty I would automatically feel very guilty and ashamed. I could not look at my best friends for long (who all happened to be girls) because I was afraid I would form crushes on them. These feelings have come and gone sporadically through my teen years to now, and I have been very open with both my parents and my friends about my feelings. I have also had feelings for boys, however through all my introspection I am not sure how I really feel about them. Whether I was forcing myself to like them or if I really felt attracted to them. My earlier relationships I do feel as though I forced feelings of attraction, but this year I met two boys who I do not think I've forced anything with. I have had sex with them, and though it wasn't mind blowing, I did not find the experience to be bad either. Anyways, the unsettling feelings of possibly being gay has really been building up within myself and I have been trying to admit to myself that I am gay. I mean I do find girls attractive, but I am not sure if I can see myself in a relationship (sexual or emotional) with them. Needless to say, saying I'm straight or gay does not sit well with me. I don't know if it's internal homophobia, denial, confusion, or just everything I can think of, but as of right now I am in a rut. All I really want to be is happy. Thanks for sticking it out and reading this. It's actually cathartic to write it all out.
Hello there, you beautiful person you. (*hug*) Welcome to the Family. (*hug*) It's not uncommon for people who are LGBT to, at first, have some internalized LGBT-phobia. I sure as hell did. Repressed things for years, really. So the first thing I want to say is: What you're feeling and going through is completely normal. There's no shame in questioning yourself, or for having feelings for members of the same, or any, sex. What's important is that you understood you have questions, and instead of internalizing your frustration and confusion, you're asking for help. (*hug*) That's an important step. Now, on to the difficult bits. You said in your post that you weren't sure if your feelings toward boys were forced. Is there something specific that made you think your feelings toward them might have been forced? Was your attraction different than when you had a crush/thought you might be attracted to a girl? You also said that you had two guys you do not think you forced attraction to. It is possible you could be attracted to men and women, and just weren't as attracted to men before or are generally more attracted to women. This is also a normal thing, to have a gender that you are more or less attracted to. It's gonna be okay! We're all here for you. We'll help you figure this thing out, one way or another. (*hug*) Stay strong! Stay positive! (*hug*)
