Hi there I'm 18 years old and I think I'm a lesbian, but I'm not 100% sure (for reasons I will explain below) and don't want to come out and risk damaging my relationships, particularly with my family, without knowing for definite that it's a risk worth taking (i.e. I like women and not allowing myself to be with a woman would be denying myself something important to my long term happiness). I only started thinking of myself as gay, and worrying about coming out et al about a year and a half ago, but when I had that 'realisation' I wasn't particularly surprised as since I was about 12 I had thought that I might be a lesbian, with increasing frequency as I got older, but without really attaching to it as an identity (more...speculatively?) and so without really thinking about the consequences. So here is the evidence, either way: -I had a bit of a thing for a teacher in Year 8 (and when I was younger, for another teacher) -There's this girl I think I like (we're good friends) and I've liked her 'that way' for most the time I've known her. At least, I think I fancy her, because sometimes I see her and get the urge to kiss her (obviously don't follow through though) and I once got caught up in a daydream where we were married and another time had an inappropriate dream! Also, she's really pretty and when I get dressed I always wonder what she'll think of my outfit. She's got a great personality, intelligent and deep, but with a sense of humour. I'm fairly sure she's straight. -I always used to watch my brother play Lara Croft because I think she's good looking - There was another girl, and celebrities, and dreams BUT -I always thought the guy off the mentalist was good looking, although there isn't any 'desire' there, you know. Also, I got a tingly feeling once when this guy looked at me - he made me feel nervous, so isn't that attraction? - The friend I like's sister came out about 6 months ago, and it didn't go well, because she's a total rebel, and is always getting her friends (who are not professionals) to give her in unusual places, running away and generally doing the most dangerous, least conforming thing possible - so basically they're not sure if she's actually gay, or just trying to cause drama. But I'm worried that it's not just the 'rebel' thing that's causing my friend to be worried/skeptical about her sister's sexuality, and my friend (and my other friends too) would be weird about it if I came out. - A girl at my school came out recently (there's another one, but she came out years ago) and I don't want to seem like I'm just saying it because I'm not sure and people aren't offended by it (so they might think I'm 'experimenting', trying to get attention or get a new image). - The biggest issue is that I have no experience with anyone WHATSOEVER -so if I came out, I would feel like I wasn't justified, because I don't actually know what being with a girl (or a guy) is like - not even kissing or dating. I mean it seems storage to announce that I won't be, for example, conceiving children in the straightforward way (and all the other implications of homosexuality) without any solid proof. I'm kind of friends with the girl who came out, should I try and talk to her about it, because she would probably understand? Or would she think I was intruding on her life, confused, or looking for attention? Also, I don't know whether or not she would be comfortable talking about sexuality full stop - she only just came out and might not be ready. It just seems like such a huge commitment to make considering it could go wrong and would have an impact on my life in the long term,and may even cause unnecessary problems if I were to discover that I was in fact straight, but on the other hand I kind of want to be out at uni so that there would be a possibility that I could get a girlfriend? Thanks and sorry for the long post xx
Welcome Maria, and thanks for such a wonderfully detailed post. I can relate to what you're going through, thinking about, and considering. You are not alone; you are in good company. In my opinion, there are two separate issues going on. 1) you are not "100%" sure if you are a lesbian. 2) you are not sure if you should come out publicly. Considering the first: You may never know 100% if you are a lesbian; regardless of the variety of relationships, experiences, and feelings that you live through. However, there is a lot of 'evidence,' especially starting at an early age, that you do have some form of attraction and desire for other women. Does that make you a lesbian? Meh. It only means that you are aware of this attraction, and that you are seeking to understand these feelings. Yes, I realize this is vague, but the spectrum of sexuality is vast, and certain feelings cannot necessarily be pinned down to a specific orientation or label. Please keep this in mind. On the other hand, varying forms of 'attraction' towards men isn't a direct indicator that you are straight either. In my experience, as an 'out' gay man, I now understand that much of my 'attraction' towards women is a profound appreciation of their beauty, style, and grace. The more I became honest with myself about my sexuality, the less and less I interpreted this appreciation as sexual lust. This was only my personal experience though. I still find myself allowing my eyes to follow women down the street, but it's usually to check out their sexy boots or nail polish or something... #jealous. Considering the 2nd 'issue': Coming out publicly can be a big deal, it almost certainly will have some kind of social reaction, repercussion, and impact. I would consider taking this 'issue' with as much patience, grace, and 'slowness' as you can. Coming out (even if you are a lesbian) can put yourself into a unnecessary pain and difficult. Find healthy, mature, and safe outlets to discuss this issue before moving forward (you are already doing it ~ your post is perfect!). I should add that you are definitely doing the right thing. Posting here is a valuable resource and safe place to talk, investigate, and hopefully better understand yourself. I would urge you to take things slow (be patient) on the public level. So, yeah, stay here and continue to read. Lots of people are going through exactly what you're going through. Continue to ask question, create posts, and explore the resources available. Also, you do have someone in your personal life to talk to. As you said, she has just recently come out, and may be in a vulnerable place. I would consider talking to her when you feel that things have 'calmed' down, and she is able to listen and respond. There are (hopefully) lots of other resources that are available to you, and/or people you can speak with. Consider speaking with someone in a professional setting, or someone at your school (if you're still in school), if you feel comfortable sharing this information with an older professional. If you haven't already, you may also want to create a post in the "coming out advice" section of this forum. You may find different voice over there, and might come upon some information or other people's experiences that can help you out. I hope this has been helpful, Trevor
Thanks so much for your response, it was really helpful I suppose there are really two issues at play - identity, and then coming out. Your point about aesthetic appreciation vs actual desire was particularly interesting, I wonder if this is something that many non-straight people confuse, given that heterosexuality is somewhat expected, even internally? I've been reading other people's posts and they are indeed useful to reflect on, so hopefully I'll come to understand my feelings in time. Meanwhile, I found out that there is a youth drop-in relatively locally dealing with sexuality, so I might drop by when I get the opportunity. Thanks again for the advice!
