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Anyone who used to think they were straight or was in a straight relationship

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Confuseddude, Jan 17, 2016.

  1. Confuseddude

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    Hi There,

    This question is directed at anyone who used to think they were straight or were in a straight relationship before realizing or accepting they were in fact homosexual.

    The reason for the question is down to the fact that I think I am bisexual but am having a very hard time accepting and fully believing this. I know how I feel (towards both males and females) but I know how deceptive the brain can be. I was blissfully unaware that I was anything but completely straight for 23 years so you can understand how it's hard to accept a new fundamental self belief after less than a year. I've heard stories (and can fully understand how this can happen) of guys who have come out as bisexual only to later come out as homosexual. I want to avoid this so........

    Could somebody describe to me how it felt to be in a heterosexual relationship prior to coming out (to yourself/anybody else). Did it feel real, did it feel like an effort? Did you already know you had same sex attraction?

    I'm particularly interested to know what your every day life was like. Walking down the street who did you notice, males or females? Who did you have crushes on? What did you think of when you masturbated?

    Finally, what made you come to the realization that you were in fact homosexual or bisexual and how did you know you were one and not the other?

    Thanks for any input.
     
  2. angeluscrzy

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    Looking back I can see how my relationships with women seemed to just "happen". Had a few sexual encounters with girls when I was 19, but it was something I did just for the hell of it rather than an actual desire to really be with them. At 19, any chance to get off ain't all bad I guess. Had a horrible marriage to a girl, in my early 20's, which lasted less than a year. Then met the mother of my children and was with her for 14+ years, and we split just this past June.
    I was legitamately attracted to her when we met, but I know I've always had an attraction to males too. I wanted so badly to be out at various stages in my youth, but never had the courage to really follow thru with it, and I did feel that I would miss out on having kids and stuff if I weren't with a woman.
    One thing I found is that I seemed to shut out most anything else in my life while in these relationships. I never have developed any friendships, but then in fairness, I have always been chronically shy as well.
    My children's mother and I were only seeing each other for a couple months before getting a place together and then her being given guardianship of one of her nieces. Again, all those things had a way of just happening, and I just went with it. I always had a fantasy of wanting my gf to take me (with a strap-on), and we had several swift ebbs and flows on how she felt about that. I could perform during sex, but always had that longing still.
    I've dealt with chronic depersonalization for years, actually as long as I can remember, and felt like my life has been mostly lived on autopilot. I know different times when I would wrote words of love, like inside a card or in a letter or something, I could always say the sweetest things, but they still felt quite manufactured. Intimacy was usually infrequent.
    I don't think I thought much about others (male or female), because I am a very monogamous person. However, I definitely have had some male crushes. I just never acted on them or even voiced them really.
    I think what finally has led to me wanting to be out now is that my relationship hasn't been right for a while now anyway, and I just no longer felt any desire to continue trying at it.
    Now, I feel much more relaxed, in most ways. Things are still overwhelming sometimes and I work constantly to maintain things being a single parent, but I just don't feel that "angst"(?) that I sued to feel as much. I still have yet to meet any guy or anything tho.
    I am cutting this off now as I see I have rambled quite a bit. Maybe there's *something* to be taken from it?
     
  3. Confuseddude

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    Thanks for the detailed response, just what I was looking for!!

    Im interested then, how did you conclude that you are in fact homosexual and not bisexual? Was there ever a blurred line between the two? Could you ever invisage yourself woth a female again or are those days all behind you (even if it just sort of happened again).

    I take it that things felt more natural/less forced with guys over girls but is this definitely down to sexuality? Is there a chance that you simply happen to have a more compativlble match this time (regardless of sexuality).

    Thanks again for the info. I'm very interested in almost any sexuality stories but I'm really just trying to gain an insight into the thoughts of people with similar experiences. Thanks again
     
  4. angeluscrzy

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    Honestly, because I've still yet to actually be intimate with a guy, there's still this part of me that sometimes wonders if I've conjured this in my head and made it more than what it is. My only same sex experience having been fooling around with a friend at a young age, and my huge crush on my male best friend when I was 16. I don't know how it even feels to kiss a guy, and there is a part that is scared of doing these things because I'm afraid somehow that those feelings of shame and guilt I felt as a kid, will come back to haunt me again.
    I go kinda back and forth sometimes and have tried to never focus too much on things because of my tendency to obsess and drive myself crazy over it all. But, I'm also finding that as each day passes, its becoming less of an issue. I think one thing that has helped is trying to surround myself with more "gay things" in my life. I think it helps me move towards acceptance within myself, as the more I immerse myself, it's gaining a greater sense of normalcy to me. I check on here often just to see what all stuff people are talking about, I have an account on a hookup app (just to window shop), and I daydream a lot of how it would feel having my future bf walk behind me and just wrap his arms around me. Just saying the words "this is my boyfriend" (to myself) just makes me smile inside.
    Trying to live as straight has definitely felt like more of a role I'm playing than it actually being me.
    I struggle to get by now and work way too much, but for the first time in my life, I feel more like myself than I ever have.

    And as far as any future dating prospects, I don't have any intentions of dating a female in the future. Women are beautiful, and each of us has endearing qualities, but I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I just cannot feel fulfilled with a woman.
     
    #4 angeluscrzy, Jan 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2016
  5. Chip

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    I was blisfully unaware well into my 20s. I had girlfriends and everything was completely "normal." But... it never really had the same excitement that others described for me.

    I also went through (as do most people) the "I'm bisexual" stage... and both with this and what I described above, it's helpful to understand how we process loss. (In this case, loss of perception as straight.) In doing so, we go through stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. For many of us, the "bargaining" stage looks like "Well, I may like guys, but I could still end up with a girl, so I am bisexual." This isn't to say there aren't people who are genuinely bisexual -- far from it -- but that many people use the bisexual label (or, more recently, the completely unsupported concept of "heteroromantic/homosexual") as a "bridge" during bargaining.

    And denial is a big part of this: As we become more comfortable with our same-sex attractions, many of us find that what we *thought* was real attraction to the opposite sex really was not, and/or we find that attraction fading away. Of course, for one who is genuinely bisexual, this isn't the case, but it is more common for people to end up toward one end of the spectrum or the other than toward the middle.

    Looking at your masturbation fantasies when you're masturbating without porn is usually a pretty reliable indicator. IF you're truly bisexual, then you'll find fantasies about men and women have similar arousal. If you're closer to the gay side, you'll find those fantasies to be more arousing, and you'll also notice that those are the fantasies you have when you just let your mind wander.

    The main thing is... recognize the stages, the fact that they're non-linear, that denial and bargaining can really complicate things... and just give yourself time. If you want to talk more about your own experiences, that might provide some additional insights that would help give you a better picture, but in the end, it's you and your thoughts and feelings that will make the determination.
     
  6. Confuseddude

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    Thank you for your detailed response Chip. Again, just what I was looking for.

    What you said about looking at your masturbation habits is good advice. I think I've heard you say something similar before and took it on board. It's strange, I feel like I can achieve completely equal arousal thinking of either gender. The letting my mind wander business is hard because mind games come into it too much and I can't help but think about what I'm thinking about if you know what I mean.

    Yeah this is what I thought and almost expect to happen but whilst I'm still in the process of working things out it's so hard to work out what's real and what's fake.
     
  7. SHACH

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    Yeah, I ID as bi since maybe October or so. Before that I was pretty convinced I was straight despite people calling me a lesbian occasionally. I've never been in a relationship, I feel like I may have been noticing guys but tbh I can't remember who I noticed more, and I had crushes on guys yes.

    What I really was interested in here is what Chip was saying about fantasies. I definitely used to fantasize about guys while masturbating or just while my mind wandered. But since I realised attraction for girls, both of those have switched over to just girls. I've got aroused by both in the past but I'm just thinking about and noticing girls now... Sometimes I think like Chip said that I'm in that stage of tranistioning through beleiving I am bi but somehow that seems like I still have the ability to like guys somewhere... and the attraction to guys seems like it must be the more "real" one since it was there earlier even though the attraction to girls feels better to me. I agree with confuseddude that its just too difficult to seperate real and fake.
     
  8. WanderingMind

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    Hi Confuseddude,

    Me, too. Longer, actually. I've been married that long :slight_smile:

    It felt like love. It still does. It's real. I'm more in love now than I was when I married him, and that's saying a lot, because that man holds my heart and has since I was 18. He's strong, discerning, smart, kind, funny, sexy, interesting, and interested. Sometimes, being together feels like an effort. Ask anyone who's been in a committed relationship with another person for 23 years, though, and they'll say the same. But, I don't think you meant the question in that way. Does it ever feel like I'm making an effort to fake my desire/love for him? No.

    I did not realize I had same sex attraction until rather recently, although, reflecting back, it really shouldn't have come as a surprise. Honestly, I think I'm more surprised by it than my husband. I've always watched women. I watch them more than men! I notice men, too, though, and appreciate masculinity in a rather (ahem) smexy way. I am not one to experience many crushes - but I'd have to say they've been pretty evenly split. I would have characterized crushes on women over the years as fixations. It's only upon reflection I realize that my feelings went deeper than that. Repression and denial are strong in this one. And, um. Masturbation. Yeah. That's something I would rather keep to myself...

    I read an article about someone realizing they were bisexual later in life, and wept. It opened my eyes, and confirmed my feelings, all in one fell swoop.

    I know I'm bisexual because I still deeply desire a connection with my husband, both romantically and sexually. If anything, this new self-awareness has heightened my attraction to him. And, it's turned my libido way up; my gaze easily sways both ways. I don't feel any need to explore connections with another man, however the same can't be said for my feelings toward women. It's confusing, but I'm sure I'm bisexual, and that's all I'm really sure about right now when it comes to this whole experience.
     
  9. WowieZowie

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    Hi ConfusedDude! I understand how maddening it can be! I began acknowledging my same sex attraction when I was about 17/18, although it had always been there. The thing that tripped me up for a long time is that attraction to men or women are at different levels at different times in my life. I'm now 28 and have had times I thought I was only attracted to women, but then BAM! a guy comes along who makes me rethink everything, and vice versa would happen for a good while. I think that the thing is, you aren't tricking yourself. You like what you like and that may shift a bit from time to time... and that's okay!! It helped me to look at bisexuality as the *capacity* to enjoy a romantic or sexual relationship with men or women, and it doesn't need to be 50/50 and it doesn't need to be fixed. It's a beautiful thing to be open to love and pleasure from guys or girls. I think accepting that your sexuality can be "fluid" and allowing for that openness would be a healthy way of looking at things. Also know that you are not alone, and many people experience sexual attraction to men and women whether they bend more one way or the other, or enjoy variety. The importance is loving yourself and giving yourself the freedom to be you, fully and completely :hugs:
     
  10. Confuseddude

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    Thank you everyone. WanderingMind - thank you for such a detailed response. It's really interesting to get the view of someone a little older than me. One of the things that scares me ever so slightly is the thought that I will enter into a heterosexual relationship only to later decide that I'm gay not bisexual. I've got to mention I wouldn't really enter into a relationship at this time without making my questioning clear from a very early stage.
    Wow WowieZowie, beautiful words. Thank you. It's a fantastic look at being bisexual but in all honesty I would embrace any sexuality wholeheartedly it's determining which one that's the problem. I do feel bisexual and have done for considerable time since I first started questioning. I guess I really do need to get some experience and in time I will grow more confident in my feelings. Having been 100% certain I was straight for 23 years it makes sense that I can't just have 100% certainty about a new sexuality after just the 1 year.
     
  11. Distant Echo

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    I can look back at my relationships with men and see them for what they were. I had to force any connection, and never felt any strong desire. I liked the attention, not the sex.
    As for when I realised I was attracted to women? When one particular woman literally sat down in front of me and we started talking...
    I went through the bi stage too, but it is only very recently, when really looking at myself, that I have accepted my relationships with men were not what I thought they were, but what I expected them to be.
    I happily accept now that I am lesbian, and find talking to women so damn exciting.

    Sit back and explore yourself. Let yourself look around when you are out and see where your eyes come to rest. Since I allowed myself to do that, I find I only check out women. Men have no interest for me at all.
     
  12. Oh Lilac

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    I can't make his lengthy at the moment, but I always had crushes on men... The excitement and a vision of married life in bliss with a family. However, I noticed girls more. I thought it was just aesthetic, but really, I was so drawn to them, fascinated. Sex with men was supremely hard. I never felt truly turned on or excited. It was stressful and a task for me. I fantasized not of men, but of women. I realized later in life, but dated men until that point when it dawned on me, and I had fireworks my first time with a female. Then I knew. I don't think I am bisexual if sex is that hard for me with a man. I had romance and love, but not sexual desire. It all needs to fit for me.
     
    #12 Oh Lilac, Jan 21, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2016
  13. Gomez

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    I don't know how helpful my response will be since I'm still confused and questioning myself, but I really, truly began to doubt my long-held assertion that I was bisexual... when I realized I had no feelings for men. There was some sexual chemistry, but my relationships with men were utterly empty on my end, even if the guy was the sweetest, most loving, most considerate guy on the planet and we had everything in common.

    Coupled with intense crushes on women - including writing total cheeseball love poems to girls I barely knew!! Of course, I didn't share them - I find myself thinking I'm more homoflexible than bisexual.