Can my sexuality just be "Confused?"

So, I'm new here, as I'm sure a lot of people who post in this place are. I'm a woman, a geek, and an animal enthusiast who has always thought that both women and men were beautiful. I recently graduated college and have too much time to think

I've been questioning my sexuality every few months for most of my teenage life, but until recently, I was not comfortable being open about it. I haven't really had a lot of experience in "that area." I've dated four guys in my life and had crushes on others. I most certainly have been in love with men and I've always been able to imagine a life with one. I know that that is partially due to the world's heteronormative culture, but I genuinely think that it is something I have wanted in the past and/or still want. I have, however, found myself attracted to women as well. At the time I vehemently denied it and explained it away as a desire to be them, but now that I'm being more honest with myself, I see it for what it was.

I've kissed men before, even enjoyed a couple of the kisses but both of the men that I kissed, went too fast for me. I quickly got overwhelmed and panicked. I have a lot of trouble trusting men when I know they are really into me. I was turned on, but my heart didn't race like it does in my imagination when I fantasize about such things. Now it should be said that neither of these men that I kissed I was actually in love with. Interested in, but I wasn't in love. I've always identified as demisexual as well. I don't know. I still believe that with the right man that I loved, I could be insanely turned on.

However, now that I am acknowledging my interest in women as well, I get turned on just by seeing a woman (not any woman, mind you, but the portion is a good number.) I never really had that with a man I wasn't in love with except for an initial, "well he's hot." thought. It's also very difficult for me to conceptualize a romantic relationship with a woman. I know this is in part because media does not focus on same-sex relationships like they do with heterosexual ones.

Unlike most people who are coming out to themselves or the world, however, I have been an LGBTQ+ ally for 4 years now, and I've had some pretty good exposure to all types of relationships. At least, enough for me to understand that nothing about the sexuality/romance interaction is straightforward. However, I am not a person who likes messy, so, I'm hoping someone on here has some helpful tips.

I also know that through this whole ordeal I'm dealing either with internalized homophobia or BiOCD.
It is in some ways terrifying for me to imagine myself spending my life with a woman or even doing more than kissing, yet I think (maybe even know) I would be comfortable with it.

My solution for dealing with this all, or at least for forcing myself to be comfortable in who I am is to take men out of the equation almost entirely and acknowledge that I'm attracted to them but focus mainly on women so that I am no longer upset about that part of me. I'm probably somewhere in the bisexual or pansexual category, but when I identify myself that way, I find myself trying to constrain my attraction to only men again and that sets me off. I keep remembering how much I felt like I was going through the motions with the one guy I was with.

In reality, I know the only way to figure any of this out is through actual experience. I have to try, but when you're very shy about sex anyway and you'd rather just deal with your impulses yourself rather than try to find someone, no matter how lonely it might make you feel, it is difficult to establish any conclusions. I also am no where close to anyone I feel emotionally attracted to, and those that I am, I don't want to risk losing as friends just so that I can figure out my sexuality.

I also find myself wavering back and forth over the course of the day or every other day. Some mornings I wake up and I'm like "yeah women are hot!" and by the evening "Men are so damn sexy!" other days its the reverse. I've also only very rarely had a sex dream and most were about men.

Okay, I know that I've rambled on long enough and that if any of you have been kind enough to make it through all of that, you're a saint. Anyway, I really hope that some of you can grant me guidance because, as wonderful as my parents are, it is very, very difficult for them to give me any advice on this issue.

Thank you for anything you can give me,
Mels

 

Hey thanks for such a quick reply!
Yeah, I too think it would be cruel for me to use my friends in such a manner as well. And I have definitely felt that tingle before. I'm an old romantic too so I totally get what you're saying. I'll have to give it some more thought. Right now, I don't really have any women I'm into in real life, just some incredibly beautiful women on TV, so I think coffee or tea will have to wait, but I look forward to finding out that part of my life if it comes up in the future.

Now, on to bigger and perhaps more important things,
Thank you again,
Mels