Disparity between sexual and romantic feelings? I'm so confused!

Hello all. I feel like I should probably introduce myself, but I just couldn't wait. I'm so tired of wrestling with this question... I'm an almost 24 year old woman, who has variously identified as bisexual, queer, homoflexible, 'mostly' heterosexual, not-straight, etc. since I was twelve. But I feel like nothing quite fits, my sexual and romantic desires are all tangled up in knots... I will try to explain. (trigger warning for some sexual abuse content)

When I was little, my first sort of "playing doctor" experience was with another girl. That's probably not relevant but there you go.

I also had some experiences where I was sexually abused by men. So I unfortunately had a bad introduction to sexuality, and I was masturbating way earlier than most kids do. (Sorry if that's TMI, I just really need to put that out here for clarity...) Despite the abuse, I usually thought about women... about breasts, female genitals, lesbian sex in general. I do not know if this was from genuine desire for women or if that's just what I was most familiar with, being a girl. I would sneak peeks at the posters on my male relatives' walls - bikini clad swimsuit models, that kind of thing.

As a teenager and adult, I read erotica and watched porn... I've heard you shouldn't use this as a gauge, and also that you SHOULD, so here's my confusion:

When it's a straight couple, it's almost always connected to the abuse I suffered, like guilty fantasies involving that. If it's gay porn, even though I feel a bit like I'm fetishizing gay/bi men (I'm sorry guys....) it's a definite turn-on. It's great because it feels more equal, even if it's kinky or something. With lesbian porn, it's just whatever I think would feel good... two girls making out or having sex in a more or less vanilla way... I enjoy watching a woman orgasm. But I hardly ever picture "just women" when I masturbate anymore.

As far as my personal adult experience goes, I have only been with men sexually (three times). Those experiences were pretty lackluster. I enjoyed their touch well enough but didn't feel a particular urge to touch them? (I did lol, because I wasn't gonna be rude, but there was no "I WANT TO TOUCH ALL OF THIS!") Some sparks but never like "dang I gotta go do that again!" I found myself wishing they were softer, had feminine curves... I've kissed a girl but nothing further, and there weren't a lot of sparks there either... I don't know if it's 'cause she was a girl, or because that particular girl that didn't do it for me.

Romantically speaking, I don't know if I've ever been in love, but I develop crushes on women - the kind of "knock your socks off" infatuation where you think about her all the time, want to spend time with her, hold her, spend your whole life with her. The thought of dating a woman and coming home to her every night fills me with joy, but I don't know if there's anything sexual there. I mean the thought of going to bed with a woman is vaguely nice, a little intimidating, but it doesn't make my bits tingle. I see lesbian couples having dinner or dancing or getting married and it hurts because I want that so badly.

When guys ask me out or I go on dates with them... it's not the same. At first I thought I was just dating the wrong guys. But even if he's perfectly nice and respectful, good-looking, and we have everything in common, I NEVER want to go on a second date! I usually never want to go on a first! The thought of marrying a man just makes my brain go "?¿¿?¿??NOPE". I don't like cuddling with men or doing romantic "couple-y" things like holding hands or hugging in a more than friendly way. I love the men in my life platonically but the thought of being IN LOVE with them is foreign. Which makes no sense because I know my body is turned on by men. Why else would I enjoy gay porn so much?

tl;dr I am very confused. I have considered the possibility that I'm maybe a homoromantic bisexual, but some people say that affectional orientation doesn't exist... I worry that I'm a "straight girl" who falls in love with women and will never have a satisfying relationship.

Can anyone give me some advice?

 

Meant to add: When I like a girl, I get giddy, jealous, despondent, butterflies, etc. over her, but when I'm supposedly 'dating' a guy I feel no attachment to him whatsoever, despite being attracted to the male figure... ack, I just don't know.

Sorry for the huge wall of text up there.

 

Thank you so much for your response, Chip. I really appreciate it.

I've known for a long time that I probably need professional help to sort this all out... but I don't know if that will ever happen. I mean, I can't even afford regular checkups with a family doctor. I have no idea how I'd afford a therapist. A question for another forum, perhaps.

 

Thanks again! I never feel like I have unresolved issues about what happened to me until I start trying to examine my sexuality and what I want. I'll follow your very helpful suggestions and see what I can figure out. I don't want this doubt to inhibit me any longer.

 

Thanks for your reply, LooseMoose! It's funny because I have known several gay and bi women but somehow I feel even more isolated around them... they are usually in relationships, and more experienced, and I feel embarrassed to admit my own lack of experience with women.

There's a gay bar in town and I've gone there a couple times. Perhaps I just need to go more often? Maybe make some friends who will introduce me to their friends? Haha

 

I'm thinking back on my past and wondering if the reason my sexual and romantic feelings don't line up (in my head; I get that it's probably caused by some psychological issue and not an actual orientation thing) is because I've repressed my sexual attraction to women?

I mean when I was very going I used to be able get off to the ladies' underwear section in catalogues (LOL), or the thought of a woman giving a lapdance, but I don't know if I could do that anymore, like my brain's been rewired for men or something. And yet I get all these crushes on women and I think of how beautiful her smile is and how much I want to wrap my arms around her and kiss her, but I don't particularly get like a zing! of arousal at the thought.

And yet when I watch straight porn or something, I'm much pickier about the woman in the video... there's kind of a body type I prefer, the sounds she makes, etc. And I mostly ignore the dude.

Don't mind me, I'm just rambling. Trying to get my thoughts sorted out. Arrrgh

 

Thanks Chip. That's what I thought.

But I guess I'm conflicted because in that scenario, isn't it usually someone saying their sexual feelings are for the same sex, and their romantic feelings are for the opposite sex, and using 'heteroromantic homosexual' as a bridge? But in my case it's like the opposite. Does that mean instead of gay-in-denial, I'm straight-in-denial?

I know you can't really answer this and I need to seek therapy, but I'd appreciate any insight you can offer.

 

Thanks for your insight, papriques! I think you're right. Part of the problem is I've never been intimate with someone I actually cared about (which sounds awful when I say it like that, but I mean romantically). Even when one of those was my boyfriend, the love just wasn't there on my end. I still feel guilty about that! Which is why I broke up with him in the first place. It didn't feel fair...

I'm making an effort now to put myself out there, and I think when I start dating I'm just gonna force myself not to hop into bed with anyone. (Maybe I'm just not wired for casual sex?)

As for your comment on super close lady friendships, I've heard that before and wondered if it's applicable to my situation, but I don't think it is. I mean, I love my best friend more than most anyone and we've gotten a few joking ~lesbians!~ comments from people because we're affectionate, but even though we're super close I don't feel the same way about her as I did a random woman I saw twice and who still gives me butterflies when I think of her three years later.