I am so confused and filled with guilt and shame. I'm sorry if the following post is too graphic but I feel like my situation is so weirdly specific that I need to explain everything in detail. For a few years I have had sexual urges to perform oral sex and have anal sex with penises. I say penis rather than man because in my fantasies it's separate from an actual person. I have never had romantic feelings towards men and I don't find men sexually attractive, but for some reason I have a very strong sexual desire to do these things specifically with a penis. I have acted on impulses and a couple of times used to meet up with someone to do these things. I always feel dirty and gross after like I've done something wrong. If I get aroused thinking about it, the second I orgasm all desires for it are completely gone. I have gay friends, a gay brother, a supportive environment, and don't have any negative feelings towards gay or bisexual people in general, yet I still hate myself so much. I never like doing these acts in real life as much as I do in my head, yet time and time again I will go back to fantasizing about it and want to do it again. even when I remind myself of how much i didn't like it last time. maybe it would be different if I wasn't doing it through but like i said I'm not attracted to men just penises so even if I wanted to try and meet someone in the real world I would feel too uncomfortable and out of place trying to flirt or connect with someone before the actual act. It literally feels wrong to me. I'm definitely still attracted to women so I guess some people would consider me bisexual but even then, that feels wrong, I feel like I should at least be attracted to men some what to consider myself that. I don't know, i just feel like i'm in some sort of weird sexual limbo. I feel so fucked up. I've read similar stories about other people online but the only responses are dumb and say "you are gay you just don't want to admit it" or something along those lines. there were a couple real responses citing a possible porn addiction in connection with like penis envy or something but I don't know. i know sexuality lies on a spectrum and it doesn't fit into discrete categories but that doesn't really help how I feel about myself. I don't really know what else to say, i just hate myself, and i hate how i feel, and i want to figure out what is going on with me and i just want to talk to someone
Well, I'm by no means an expert, however, I think it is possible that this is not necessarily indicative of being (exclusively) gay. This sounds like a fetish to me and fetishes are acquired. I cannot think of a right line of questioning to determine why you have such a fetish. However, even if you are gay, your behavior sounds really unusual. Have you considered talking to a psychologist about this? A qualified psychologist could help you to figure out what is going on or at least redirect you to a good therapist.
it's so embarrassing I've wanted to talk about it with a psychologist for a long time but i cant bring myself to do it. i brought it up once and then just stopped seeing that guy. I don't know how to explain it without being so graphic, and giving intimate details about it is so horrifyingly awkward. that's why i'm reaching out online anonymously if it's a fetish can it be subdued or something?
Well first, think it of this way. It's not something you want to feel or decided that you feel so first of all there is no reason to be embarrassed. Second, when you go to talk to a psychologist or therapist YOUR ARE THE PAYING CUSTOMER AKA KING. You don't have to impress them or feel shame or guilt. Besides an ethical psychologist will never have anything to do with you outside your doctor-patient relationship so there is no even need to impress them. It's their job to listen to whatever ramblings you have on your mind no matter how graphic, insane or disgusting. If they are not able to deal with that they are in the wrong profession. And once you have told them what is on your heart it's their job to analyze the shit out of it with you. Thinking it that way helped me to get rid off embarrassment and guilt when I talked to my shrink. Talking to a psychologist is positively unique experience even if you are not traumatized or suffer from any particular problem. The fact that it's confidential and non-judgmental means you can talk about anything you might find awkward to talk about with your friends or family members (let alone civilized company). I do not know if fetishes can be taken away. Human brain is incredibly plastic (meaning it shapes itself) so if they were shaped into that by someway by process A there is sure to be process B that can reverse it. It's just about the cost and finding it.
