I'm genuinely asking, because I truly can't tell. Might I have internalized homophobia? I'd not heard that term before first seeing it here a couple days ago. Is it possible that I'm gay and just haven't come to terms with that? That twists my mind. Yet I have to pose the question. I'm 40. I've been married to a woman. And I have a girlfriend now. She is aware that I struggle with sexuality, and she's known since the beginning of our relationship. I just feel the need to be clear on that. I guess I'll talk about me a little bit and hope someone can provide some insight. I did have some sexual experiences with other boys as a teenager, and a couple encounters with friends in my late teens/early twenties. With one exception, this was with straight friends that I think were just experimenting. I mean I was experimenting too really, I certainly didn't identify as gay or even bi at that time, but I always seemed like I was more into it. And it was always them that eventually ended it. The one exception though seems noteworthy. And it was my last homosexual sex encounter. He was openly gay, and open about having a crush on me. Truth is, I wasn't attracted to him in a romantic way at all.. but I did want to have sex with him. So I did. It was a good time, but he kept trying to kiss me and I just wasn't comfortable with that at the time. So I ended that one. I'm a pretty outgoing guy. I've always had a large circle of friends. But I do have to admit that my large circle is and always has been largely girls. I'm more comfortable around women. I'm drawn to them. I've certainly had crushes on many women in my life. From the time I was a teenager and through adulthood. I can't say that I've had a crush on a man before. But perhaps it's just because I wouldn't let myself? But when it comes to sex, I seem to struggle with women. When I first meet one, there is a brief period where it's not too bad. But that quickly fades and I lose interest. Often, I have real feelings and I don't want to see them hurt.. which seems to often happen as they start to think it's them that I'm losing interest in. I've also never been able to give oral sex to a woman. But I can on a man, no problem. I even fantasize about it. Often. I definitely find girls "cuter" than men. I am attracted to "feminine" qualities for sure. I've noticed even with gay men that I'm drawn to guys that are flamboyant or "softer". I'm a pretty masculine guy I would say. Not in a "cars & sports" kind of way. But I don't think most people would ever peg me as struggling with my sexuality. I have had a couple of girls ask me about it though once they get to know me well. Some of that may or may not matter. I'm just sort of spitting out facts about myself hoping that some of it turns out to be relevant. I'm open to any questions if you think you can help me sort some of this out.
Um, I am absolutely not an expert on this or anything sexuality related, but from personal experience I can say that I have *never* known an entirely straight guy to lose interest in sex after a month or so. Even 10 years into a relationship - not a problem. I've had at least 5 long term boyfriends and sex REALLY wasn't a chore for them. Ever. (And I'm not exactly Keira Knightley.) From the way you describe it you don't seem to be enjoying sex with women after maybe the initial chase and excitement. As soon as I read that it didn't sound 'right' for a completely straight guy, unless you've never met the right girl, but even so I'd seriously doubt you'd see this pattern. Again, no expert but people talk about separating romantic and sexual attraction. So maybe you could be romantically attached to both but only sexually attracted to men? Hope this is helpful and someone who knows more toddles along to help soon.
Hey Muffinkicker, I really relate to your post. I considered myself a devote heterosexual for the first 27 years of my life. I didn't even have homosexual experience to lead me to question my sexuality; however, there are a lot of striking similarities between us in other areas. I LOOOOVE having female friends. My sex drive for a particular woman diminishes drastically after it become a repetitive act. I never "lost" my sex drive for my girlfriends, but the amount of sex definitely curtailed. Also, I dated many women and had many longterm relationships. I also find women much "cuter" than about 99% of all men, and I really really appreciate the beauty, grace, and style of women in general. Although I do love reeeaaaalllly feminine guys, the majority of guys don't really do much for me; at the same time, I find myself focusing my attention on women, cause they are beautiful and glamorous and I get all jealous looking at them. When I considered myself straight, I interpreted my 'appreciation' for women as sexual attraction. Which, it kind is, but that really wasn't the whole truth. Now that I have come out to myself, I realize that I appreciate women and that I am sexually attracted to men, even though the percentage of men I am actually attracted to is quite low. I did also want to respond to one of your paragraphs specifically: "The one exception though seems noteworthy. And it was my last homosexual sex encounter. He was openly gay, and open about having a crush on me. Truth is, I wasn't attracted to him in a romantic way at all.. but I did want to have sex with him. So I did. It was a good time, but he kept trying to kiss me and I just wasn't comfortable with that at the time. So I ended that one." This doesn't seem weird to me at all. You definitely had sexual attraction for this guy, so you had sex with him. You definitely didn't have any long-term passion or 'romantic' interest for this man, so you didn't kiss him. Kissing is far more romantic than sexual; in the same way that hand holding is far more romantic than sexual, even though it involved physical contact. I wouldn't use this experience as a way of thinking yourself 'out' of being gay, but rather that you recognize that you can have sexual attraction for men that isn't coupled with any form of romantic or partnership attraction for them. Keep seeking! Stick around these forums. Read about what other people are going through. There are lots of people going through exactly what you are going through. Keep asking questions I hope this helps xoxo, Trevor ---------- Post added 28th Jan 2016 at 12:06 PM ---------- Oh snaps! I forgot to answer your original question: YES!!!! You can definitely have internalized homophobia, even though it doesn't seem to manifest really intensely for you right now. Internalized homophobia may be the thing that is keeping you from coming out to yourself though. As for me, I was totally find with anyone else being gay/queer/whatever, but the moment it applied to me I totally freaked out. It took time, patience, and hardwork to get through the self-hatred. For me, it is a process that is ongoing.
I thought this about myself for a long time. Even before I hit Google with it. I've noticed though that this concept doesn't appear to be widely supported by some members of this site.
Have you try to be in a relationship with a man? what keeping you from being in a relationship with a man? what do you scare of?
There's a couple of reasons for this. First, I have a girlfriend that I care about very much. I'm also extremely lucky to have found someone that accepts me as I am, and that I can be honest with. That's not something I'm wanting to lose. Secondly, I've never had those types of feelings for a man before, like I describe above. I have sexual thoughts about guys, and often. I've also enjoyed the same sex experience that I have. But I've not experienced anything resembling an emotional attachment or romantic feelings with a man before. This is largely why I ask the question about internalized homophobia in the first place. Being attracted to men on a level other than just sex would make my life easier in many ways. I should also have mentioned, I have many gay friends. So I don't feel like I'd be judged negatively or misunderstood if I was to come out as gay or bi. In fact I've sort of admitted bi-sexuality to a couple of them. But I don't take it any further because if I claim anything more than "being unsure/confused" at this point, I feel I would be lying.
Dear Muffinkicker, Within the LGBT community, there still lies some stigmas and unfortunately phobia towards certain terms because some people still believe you're either straight or gay, no in betweens, unless you lack a sex drive. There are some people who still don't believe in bisexuality. However, there are many terms outside the normal sexualities that get a lot of haters. Ignore the haters. You are whoever you say you are, once you're done with your questioning process. So I want to give you my opinion: you're more romantically attracted to women, but you do have some sexual attraction to them at the beginning of the relationship. It's possible your sexual attraction to men is lowering your attraction to women because you're unsure about who you are, but internalized homophobia could be keeping you from finding out. Nonetheless, you could be a gay aromantic - experiencing little to no romantic attraction to men, leaving only sexual attraction - but also biromantic, meaning you're into both genders but can experience nonsexual attraction to one. In your case, you'd be only attracted to women romantically and men sexually since you don't want to have a relationship with them that goes beyond sexual activities. So I suppose that'd make you a biromantic & gay aromantic dude. (Sorry, can't think of a better way to word it.) Here's 5 Myths on Aromantics. This site explains what aromantic is and isn't, and could clarify some things with you, especially number 3. If you're still unsure, here's a list of Almost All LGBT Terms For Sexual Orientation - although there are some gender identities in there, but those don't apply to you.
Dear Muffinkicker, Within the LGBT community, there still lies some stigmas and unfortunately phobia towards certain terms because some people still believe you're either straight or gay, no in betweens, unless you lack a sex drive. There are some people who still don't believe in bisexuality. However, there are many terms outside the normal sexualities that get a lot of haters. Ignore the haters. You are whoever you say you are, once you're done with your questioning process. So I want to give you my opinion: you're more romantically attracted to women, but you do have some sexual attraction to them at the beginning of the relationship. It's possible your sexual attraction to men is lowering your attraction to women because you're unsure about who you are, but internalized homophobia could be keeping you from finding out. Nonetheless, you could be a gay aromantic - experiencing little to no romantic attraction to men, leaving only sexual attraction - but also biromantic, meaning you're into both genders but can experience nonsexual attraction to one. In your case, you'd be only attracted to women romantically and men sexually since you don't want to have a relationship with them that goes beyond sexual activities. So I suppose that'd make you a biromantic & gay aromantic dude. (Sorry, can't think of a better way to word it.) Here's 5 Myths on Aromantics. This site explains what aromantic is and isn't, and could clarify some things with you, especially number 3. If you're still unsure, here's a list of Almost All LGBT Terms For Sexual Orientation - although there are some gender identities in there, but those don't apply to you. ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2016 at 09:43 PM ---------- Dear Muffinkicker, Within the LGBT community, there still lies some stigmas and unfortunately phobia towards certain terms because some people still believe you're either straight or gay, no in betweens, unless you lack a sex drive. There are some people who still don't believe in bisexuality. However, there are many terms outside the normal sexualities that get a lot of haters. Ignore the haters. You are whoever you say you are, once you're done with your questioning process. So I want to give you my opinion: you're more romantically attracted to women, but you do have some sexual attraction to them at the beginning of the relationship. It's possible your sexual attraction to men is lowering your attraction to women because you're unsure about who you are, but internalized homophobia could be keeping you from finding out. Nonetheless, you could be a gay aromantic - experiencing little to no romantic attraction to men, leaving only sexual attraction - but also biromantic, meaning you're into both genders but can experience nonsexual attraction to one. In your case, you'd be only attracted to women romantically and men sexually since you don't want to have a relationship with them that goes beyond sexual activities. So I suppose that'd make you a biromantic & gay aromantic dude. (Sorry, can't think of a better way to word it.) Here's 5 Myths on Aromantics. This site explains what aromantic is and isn't, and could clarify some things with you, especially number 3. If you're still unsure, here's a list of Almost All LGBT Terms For Sexual Orientation - although there are some gender identities in there, but those don't apply to you.
Well I don't think you have internalized homophobia. You seem to be pretty much open up to both side. If you want to label yourself i would call you bi from my point of view but labeling yourself is pointless tbh. I even think you are more into guys then girls even but you have not meet the one that click with you yet. You also have a girlfriend that you don't want to lose, so trading her for a guy is something you will be auto block it out. I also think that you try to find out who you are or what is wrong with you is causing you more stress and blind you for an answer. I think you should just enjoy what you have, one step at a time. You are happy with your girlfriend then focus on that and make a better relationship with her. If later down the road it doesn't work , it doesn't work and maybe one day you will meet that guy that fit on what you are looking for. Try to find yourself a label is pointless and causing more stress when it keeps changing, it is best to just ignore it as long as you can accept the fact that you like guys too and see nothing wrong with that. I sometime call myself bi or gay, i just don't even care about it. All I know is that like guys and girls. I like girl romantic way but i know in the long run I want to be with guy, so i don't bother try to get into relationship with woman. I know myself that in the long run i will lose sexual interest with her and want to be with guy but that is just me. Everything become clear to me once it drop my frustration on trying to find out my label and just focus on the present.
I am so sorry for my spamming above. I have no idea what happened and I can't find a way to edit or delete the extra stuff. Please forgive me guys.
