Wife came out. Wants to stay together.

Do you know that sexual and romantic attraction can be seperate? Because I think knowing that would help you understand.

She might be panromantic, felling in love with a person, not a gender, which would be you. But that doesn't change the fact that she's homosexual, have sexual desires towards the same gender.

..Wait I had missed your note of her saying she's hetero romantic, there you have it. Sexual and romantic attraction are seperate, but is often similar, but not in this case it seems.

Hope this helps

 

Why not direct her to this site?

 

This statement doesn't make a lot of sense. She likes girls sexually, wants to be with one, but has no emotional desire outside of the bedroom?

If she insists that she's gay and not bisexual, yet she still wants to stay with you, that's a red flag right there.

If you were to ask me what's going on? I don't know very much about both of your backgrounds, but from what you provided: if she says that she's gay, that's a dead giveaway of why she's so conflicted right now, it's because truthfully she is not attracted to men and wants to be with a woman. It honestly sounds like she's in denial.

But what's what I think. Take it with a grain of salt.

 

Sounds like a tough situation. What your wife describes is not unusual around here, and I think Riz has gotten it right. She is probably in love with you as a person and still wants to have sex with you, but she is sexually attracted to women in general and not to men. She is, however, not romantically attracted to women.

Of course, there is always the chance that she is in denial, but I don't think that is likely in this situation. She is willing to explore her homosexuality, which does not seem like denial to me.

Would you be fine with letting her have sexual encounters with other women, or is that completely out of the question? Unfortunately, a relationship will not work if either one of you is compromising significantly. Either you feel fine letting her explore, or she feels fine not exploring. How do you feel about this?

 

It sound like she is just scare to lose you and confuse at the same time. I feel like she is holding on to you because she scare of the future if she go and be with woman (i assume she never been with one.) You know, what if it's not working out for her? What if she like to have sex with that woman but that woman might not be as understanding as you or something like that. So she will end up losing you and gain nothing at the same time (assuming it is not working out with that woman.) You might be the perfect man for her but she is gay, so she doesn't really enjoy sex with any men at all including you. She said that she will only have sex with you not because she enjoy having sex with you but because she doesn't want to lose you and try to be nice about it.

To be honest, i think you should think about the future of you and her and where it will stand. It is best to talk with each other and agree on what both of you want. Can she have sex with woman while staying with you? Will you be ok with that mentally? Even if you ok with that mentally, what if one day she found this woman that she is having sex with and start to fall for her and leave you, would you be ok with that? But what about you? where and what would you be or do if that happen? "She says if i cant let her date she would choose to be with me exclusively" with that statement do you really think it will have no effect on her in the long run? Staying with you exclusively? Imagine you are gay, would you stay with your wife exclusively? From my point of view i feel like she already feel like she is trapped and need to express that or she would not come out to you if she is happy to be with you physically. That is just my opinion.

 

I am sorry for what you are both going through. I went through what your wife did, and it is devastating, scary, and heart-wrenching. She loves you. It is possible to simply love a person in the purest of ways. From my own experience, though, as time goes on, my desires tend more toward women. Once her shock wears off, her love for you may remain, but she may desire to be with women all the time. She may be just scared. I know I can't predict it, but resistance to change is often propelled by fear. Perhaps find an LGBTQ-friendly counselor and sort it out. It is not fair to you, either, and you deserve someone to be with you wholly, sexually, and not just romantically.

 

While I do agree that sexual and romantic love can be for separate genders, I still don't understand why she would say she is gay. She says she doesn't like men, only you. Honestly, it just sounds like she's speaking out of attachment love. There's nothing wrong with attachment love, I personally think that being "in love" fades out for everyone, they still love the person but in more of a companion way.

Also sexuality can change throughout our lives. I once knew someone who was doing a study on sexuality and he found that many happily married men suddenly developed an interest in having sex with other men. The thing is, your wife might realize she does like women romantically once she starts sleeping with them. Once she starts sleeping with them there's a chance she will lose her fear of losing you.

It all comes down to what you are okay with. I realize it's a delicate situation but obviously you're mature enough to take what random online people say with a pinch of salt, so I'm not claiming to have the right answer. You have a child and that complicates things. But it comes down to what you want in a relationship, if you would be fully happy with your wife not wanting sex anymore and being with women instead, yet still coming home to you? If the kid wasn't involved I would suggest you end it.

 

It’s entirely possible that she is sexually attracted to women but romantically attracted to men. There are certainly people out there that fit that profile.

That said, it’s also possible (and also probably more likely) that she is both sexually and romantically attracted to women, but is so conflicted and confused that she is in denial about the romantic component.

If she can convince herself that there is no romantic attraction to women, than she can rationalize the idea of having sexual relations with women while also maintain her marriage with you. I would imagine that the thought of breaking up her marriage and disrupting the family over her sexuality brings with it feelings of shame. She doesn’t want to be the one to break the family up – who would?

The idea of maintaining a physical relationship with female X while at the same time maintaining a romantic relationship with you isn’t fair. Not fair to you, not fair to her, not fair to the third person that would be involved.

My only suggestion would be to treat her with compassion, understanding, and kindness. Don’t make her feel bad or shameful over her sexuality. If you can make her feel safe, she may be in a better position to work through some of the mental knots she’s tied.

So sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Best of luck.

 

I had a boyfriend for 15 years. I'm sure I was in love with him which was something that definitely helped me to want him sexually as well. I cannot imagine to sleep with any other man ever and he was the only exception. What happened to me was that I slowly fell out of love and it created a space for falling for someone else. I unexpectedly fell for a woman and realized how much attracted I am towards women. It was all new to me but more and more irresistible. Since my feelings were elsewhere I also started having problems in the bedroom. I couldn't leave my boyfriend at that point though because we'd been through so many things and he was my best friend, my only friend actually. I was scared to lose him and I didn't want to hurt him either so I decided to try hard to make it work. We broke up two years later anyway.
It's a tricky situation but I think she really believes what she's saying and so far her reasons to stay are much stronger than her reasons to leave but only God knows what's going to happen once she explores her lesbian side more fully.

 

I think this is a great idea.

It sounds like you are in the middle of a vast transition. Please be gentle with her + yourself, be as patient as you can, and try to take time before making any major decisions.

Getting her onto this site may be a huge help for her, and it may help her connect a community that she can begin to understand and investigate what is going on.

I wish you and your wife the best,
Trevor

 

For you:

Straight Spouse Network |

And you can also continue to post here. I don't think it's "against the rules" and could be really good for you to see the point of view from others that have been in your wife's shoes.

As someone who has been/is in your wife's shoes, I can say that I avoided friendships with women like the plague. I thought women were frivolous, annoying, and talked too much. Then one day I fell hard for a woman, and it was more than anything I had ever felt for any man, including my husband. From that day on I wanted to be with the woman all the time.

So maybe she is similar to me but as other people have mentioned she hasn't fallen in love with a woman yet so she is unsure. Maybe she will never fall for a woman. Maybe it will happen tomorrow.

I can only say you are so wonderful in coming here and asking for support and advice. and for realizing you may have to let her go if it eventually comes to that. If you can stay this supportive for her, and encourage her to come onto Empty Closets that would be a great help for her!