The hardest part about this is trying to find a place to start. I've always found myself attracted to females, however these attractions always seemed on par with my attraction towards males. When I saw a woman I liked, I typically saw man I like. I finally came to a conclusion a few years ago that I'm not attracted to either gender. I only have told one person about this, and she was very accepting. She even told me that she knew other people like me and that I wasn't alone. However, the story gets more complicated than that... I'm currently in a relationship that is working on its second year. An easier way of saying this would be we've been dating for a year and a half. Now I've always been attracted to him, yes I'm dating a man, however I don't think I can love him. At least not romantically. I really care about him I love our communication how we try to explain things to one another but something inside of me seems to tell me that I can't be in love with him. This is where things get strange. Around the time that me and my current boyfriend started dating I had a really good friend. She'd been my friend for 5 years at that point, and I didn't think I could live without her. I would text her day in and day out, and I grew to be protective of her. No one ever really thought that I could be a lesbian, something about me just I guess doesn't look it or act it. Even though I think I look kind of butch I don't think anybody else ever saw that, either that or they were too afraid of me to say anything. Me and this girl would hang out everyday at her house. We would talk, she would lay her head on me while she read her books, we'd make up stories together, watch TV, and just be happy. The year before I started dating my current boyfriend she started acting strange. She started pulling away from me she wouldn't even come and see me out in public anymore. It got to the point where I thought if we just could go somewhere alone just the two of us that things will get better, but it only got worse. $2,000 down the drain, right? After awhile, I just wanted to be her friend again but I didn't realize that it wasn't just friendship that I wanted from her. I wanted her romantically. Like I said before, I didn't know that I wanted her this way. I just knew what I wanted was something that she wasn't giving me. So I started looking for people to date. There were a few guys I was talking to online, but there was only one that I stuck with. I started dating my boyfriend. I knew him very well before we started dating. It just seemed right. But when I told her about him and how happy I was to finally be getting something I needed, she shut down more than before. We stopped being friends three months into me and my boyfriends relationship. He knew how upset I was he comforted me. Some of my other friends started to talk bad about her to try to make me feel better. They would talk about how she was dragging me down and how she was a b****. I still defended her. I had this desire to protect her even though she didn't like me anymore. She told me to leave her alone and yet I'm still for defending her to my family and friends. It 8 months into my budding relationship with my boyfriend when I came to the conclusion that maybe I was in love with my friend. Not a platonic " oh you're like my sister" love that she always told me, I mean "I would run to the end of space and time just to see you" love. When I realized this my heart was crushed and I didn't know what to do. I was supposed to be feeling his emotions towards my boyfriend, not my ex best friend. Right now I only have one fear. I know that if she walked up to me right now and told me that she loves me and wanted to be with me I would go to her. This crushes me because I really care for my boyfriend. So here's my question, am I just confusing love with a close relationship? I feel like I loved my friend to the end and back. My boyfriend on the other hand I feel like he's just a good friend that I have sex with. I care about them both but when I think about her my heart aches and swells and that doesn't happen as often as I should with my boyfriend. It does happen, don't get me wrong, but not like it should. Not as much as it did with her. He is older than me, a lot older than me. He'll eventually want to settle down and start a family. I don't want a family. I want to join the military, I want to be strong, I want to defend the people that I care for. I want to go to space, I want to travel the world I want to do and see everything that is possible to be done to seen. I don't think I can do that with him. Maybe this is more of a personality thing than a gender thing, but I could see myself doing these things with my girl. With him... All I see is marriage and a family. I really like him, and maybe this is the wrong place to talk about this but I feel like I'm more suited towards women. I don't know how or if I want to tell my boyfriend this. I don't want to hurt him and I know I will if I tell him this. I won't even be able to his friend anymore after this, and not because he wouldnt want to be but because I don't think I can bear it. I don't think I'm a lesbian. I don't think I'm straight. I'm not bisexual, because I'm not attracted to either gender. I don't know what I am. All I know is that right now I'm having a really hard time figuring out what I should do. I don't expect anyone to know the answer, in the end it's going to be up to me anyway. I think right now I just need people to talk to. I feel like the only friend I have told this to is kind of getting tired of hearing it, ha-ha..... So help me? What would you do?
