Hello guys, this post may seem pretty simple but it's a very complex issue in my life and pretty personal, I just don't know how to access it. Basically, I am a transman who feels gay, all the relationships or sexual encounters I think about place me as the top male in a gay relationship. Obviously, this probably wouldn't happen, it can't physically happen right now in the way I want it to happen, so I'm wondering if I should just try to completely diffuse myself of a sexual preference and live asexually. The issue isn't really with finding men who would date a transman, because I've already met two gay guys from my school who were interested, however I can't shake the fact that they might be seeing me as something eccentric or like an experiment, and even if not, I know I could not be the person in that relationship I felt like I should be. This not being able to fulfill the role I want has basically disabled me from being able to date or interact with people almost at all, I can't make eye contact with anyone, even as my transition progresses and I've always passed I just keep feeling it really heavy and it's so depressing, I feel like if I just tried to think asexually it might remove some of that but I don't know if it's possible to downplay an orientation. I know in general I have a massive issue with being trans so that might attribute to it, but the sexuality thing just makes it worst because no matter how far in my transition I get I have the history. I'd almost rather just be into girls because I feel like it'd be easier, but I just can't for some reason. Part of what has offset this even more is I've become good friends with this gay guy who really gets where I'm coming from and understands that I like men but not in a girl liking a man way, and he'll go on ****** etc and we'll joke and talk and he treats me like a normal guy but it's frustrating as hell to see him be able to go on dates or hookups, but even if the guy knows and is 100% fine with it for me, I just can't do it because I'm afraid he's not viewing me as a guy and I don't want to be with someone in the way they want. Anyway, sorry this is long but it feels kind of like their will never be a way out of it.
As a transguy, I can get where you're coming from. I thought I was asexual for a while because I didn't want anybody to be intimate with me. Now, I know that this is not the case. Though, I can understand how annoying it is to not have the junk you desire, especially if you wish to top. There are some alternatives here and there, but I doubt they feel like the real thing. They can probably still be enjoyable, though, if you wish to try them. For fearing guys won't see you as a guy, well, you will have to work on that, unfortunately. What I mean by that is that this is your own insecurities that shine through. You know there are guys who are perfectly fine with it, but you can't help but doubt them. It's true that many guys can be complete jerks about it (speaking from experience), but it's not fair to put everyone in the same bag. For now, a sexual relationship might not be the best course. I say, take your time to get confident in how people see you and the rest will come later. Afterwards, when you feel you can trust the guys you want, then, you will be able to proceed.
You can't make yourself asexual. You can choose to be celibate, but you can't change your orientation. I understand that dysphoria and being trans both make being in a relationship much harder, but I don't think it's worth giving up entirely. If dating is frustrating, stressful, etc. don't do it, but don't rule out the possibility of a relationship if someone comes along that makes you happy. Relationships don't have to be sexual, and it's also entirely possible that as you grow more comfortable with someone, you may find a way to avoid creating dysphoria for yourself. It will take time for you to work through your issues with being trans and your fear that people are not really seeing you as a man, but those things are also possible to get past. Nothing is forever. There is always a way out.
