Hey y'all! I have this issue that may seem quite weird, and i would like to have some input on. Bare with me, it might get a bit long so: ***TL/DR*** I am an openly gay man since a few years but i think i might actually be bi (or maybe even completely straight). Now i don't know what to do since i want to date women, but being gay is now a part of my identity and i don't want people see me differently if i am open with how i feel. ****** During my teen years i never considered the fact that i might be gay. I might have played around with the thought in my head, but i dated women and had little actual interest in men. However, i have always been quite feminine in both my looks, manners and interests. I guess i never really felt like i fit in with other straight guys and instead had mainly female friends (actually just friends), and people often assumed i was gay. Let's fast forward a few years, to when i was 22(now i'm 25). At this point i guess i would have described myself as "bi-curious"; i had fooled around with a guy once and i felt very open to the idea of doing more. When I had just started working at a new job, since maybe a month, there was an office party. There, a female co-worker addressed the elephant in the room that everyone had been wondering about(probably) and asked me straight up: "Are you gay?". I'm not sure exactly why, as i was a bit drunk and i didn't really have time to think, but I think my brain went "sure, why the hell not" and the response that came out of my mouth was "yes". After that there is really no turning back. I think parts of me actually believed it, or at least wanted to. Since then i was openly gay and i actually loved it. Both the gay community and my straight friends have been nothing but accepting me with open arms. I became very popular both in the workplace and elsewhere, people thought i was funny and handsome. All in all it gave me a thriving social life and i became the typical "charming gay guy", and of course i gained a lot of female friends, some of whom are still my very best friends and whom i love dearly (like friends). I have dated and had sex with men since then, and while men don't put me off and i obviously don't mind it, i don't think i'm actually that attracted to them in the same way as with women, which is a shame since being gay just fits my identity so perfectly. I feel like i am way more "myself" now that i am openly gay than i ever did as "a straight guy", and i actually don't regret coming out as gay. In fact i've loved my life and even the dating has been fun. Here's the kicker though: I like women. I have occasionally hooked up with women "in secret" during these years and it's way better than with any man. Both my gay and straight feelings have gone a bit up and down the past years, but right now all i would want is to have a relationship with a girl, and guys do nothing for me anymore. Maybe i'm bisexual, but if there is a spectrum i definitely would say i feel like at least 80/20. Maybe i swing a bit back and forth, who knows. Right now i am simply not sure what to do. I think "coming out" from gay to bi is a way bigger deal than the other way around. A lot of my friends and social life are in the gay community, and ofc my female friends see me as their "gay friend". I am simply afraid that a lot of people would see me differently or even turn their backs on me completely(i know some would) if all of a sudden i just went "hey by the way, i'm not gay anymore and i wanna start dating chicks". I myself can see how strange that would be. Also, being a gay guy has become a big part of my social identity that i'm actually comfortable with. This issue has been nagging me a bit back and forth the past years, sometimes i have just suppressed it and sometimes i have almost had a "mini double life" where i have said i'm straight or bi and been with women. I just feel like i'm living a lie and like i can't do that forever. I'm not really sure what i want to get out from this. I have obviously never opened up about these feelings to anyone. Anyone who has experienced anything similar? i.e coming out as gay and then "going back" to dating the opposite sex? I guess i'm really happy for any input here. I know it all must seem a bit confusing but just fire away if anything is unclear!
Well it sounds like you have genuine attractions to both men and women, so I'll leave it at that. And the big question for you: would it change you attractions at all even if you swapped labels from time to time? If you ID as bi today and gay tomorrow, are your attractions still there? Of course! It's a no brainer right there. But honestly what do you think?
As I see it, being gay was a license to live up your feminine side! Much against the world perception a lot of women do like straight feminine guys & women crushing on their gay best friend is also not unheard of! So there is nothing for you to fear with respect to finding a suitable woman! If people consider you to be confused, who cares ? Hey everyone has the freedom to explore their sexuality! So first thing would be to picturise this situation, imagine it's the last day of being able to be sexually active and there are only two people , a man (whoever you think is attractive) and a woman (who you think is attractive) now whom would you choose to spend the day as a couple in a wholesome way? Your answer to that might be a clue to which side of the sexuality spectrum you lean upon! Next , when you see a girl you really want to date, as you try and get to know her, tell her you are bi and you really like her and would like to go out with her sometime! It's as simple as that! If you find the right one eventually, just announce your engagement! This way you can keep your options open, everyone will get the idea if its a girl! If you feel this is being dishonest with yourself then start by coming out to your best friends! And make it official in another office party just like you did last time, just be honest as to why you came out as gay I think it's safe for you to come out as bi! Just go ahead and do it if living a secret troubles you! On a side note this is a pleasant reminder of how much the society has changed to accommodate the lgbt !
Of course i'm gonna feel the same way regardless. Honestly i think the most accurate would be that i am generally straight-leaning bisexual, but feel like i have swung a bit back and forth. Sometimes i have been more interested in men (and obviously gay men are more availible than women if you're openly gay). Right now though, i am in a period where i am pretty much only interested in women which is why i have started to think seriously about the whole thing. Thanks for your reply!! You are absolutely right, i think that a biggest part of what i like about being gay is simply the fact that when it comes to societies norms of how gay vs straight men should act i simply identify more with what's normally seen as gay. Rather than the part of actually having sex with other men. Plus i love gay culture, gay clubs etc.
This is something that's worried me and has kept me from coming out, actually. :lol: A lot of people - I mean a loooooot of people, especially my relatives - assume I'm gay, and I go right ahead and don't bother to correct their assumption even though I'm not sure it's right. FWIW, many bisexual people fluctuate in their attractions, so it's entirely possible that you're in a particularly woman-loving mood right now and a few weeks from today good-looking guys will be catching your eye. So you don't necessarily have to drop all of your queer identity, just perhaps the "exclusively gay" part. If you've got a particular lady on your mind, I'd just drop the bomb with your friends and say you've got a thing for her. That might not sink in right away, but it might if you show up with her as your date and say, "by the by... I'm bi."
As Gomez has just pointed out, many bisexual people fluctuate in their attractions. Like you, I never even considered the fact I might be gay until quite late in life. I was 23 when I first started questioning and it's been about 18 months since then. I think there are many reasons I've found it particularly difficult to make sense of my sexuality but one of them if the fact that attractions do fluctuate. There have been times when I have felt essentially completely gay and other times when I have felt completely straight. Times when it's been 50-50 and times when it's been 40-60. Sometimes all I think about is women and sometimes all I think about is men. It really does change a lot and it has taken/is taking a lot of time to become completely comfortable with this and to not misinterpret one days thoughts as meaning I am completely gay or straight.
Hi there.... just a few comments on this. When I 'came out' to certain family and friends, I used the term 'not straight'. Since then... I don't seem to have much attraction to males but do find women sexually attractive. This is all a bit confusing and I'm hoping will make more sense soon. What I haven't really done is 'immerse myself into gay culture'. In fact, I have very little contact or knowledge of gay men and the whole idea of hooking up really freaks me out. Aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!
i can relate to a lot of what is being posted here. in high school, i tried to come out as gay (i had quite a few guy-crushes) and i found that there is a very particular type of male that i am attracted to and that so far, in my life, i never found that person (the high-school crushes were not meant to be). i'm more turned on by women - so much so that if i didn't have to go through all the agonizing surgeries and could just snap my fingers, i'd probably choose to be female and be with girls. i've been hit on so many times in gay bars and by gay guys (being in the DJ / club world) and it kind of grossed me out on ever being with a guy. i would always tell them i'm not gay (which would sound silly considering how femme i can be at a gay bar). there's so much to LGBTQ life i love and then there's that whole gym-rat, ultra-masculine-gay image thing that repulses me.
Thanks for your response! Yeah, i think that is exactly how i need to see it. I think the part that scares me about this is that my view on the whole thing may be a bit black and white; i'm afraid that if i start being open about my attraction to women i will automatically have to become a "normal straight guy" and lose a big part of my identity. Thanks for reminding me this doesn't have to be the case! That's actually very interesting! I can very much relate to a lot of what you're saying. During all of my teen years (and still today) i always wished i was born as a woman. I've never seen myself as trans since i would never want to do surgery and i don't think dressing up in women's clothing would do much for me. Also it's not really a "biological" thing, i.e i've never been disappointed over the fact that i have a penis etc. But if i could choose to have been born as a woman i would do it in a heartbeat, 100%. I think i just always identified more with women and femininity.
as i type, i am just coming to terms with my gender fluidity (?). i don't know if i should make some kind of grand post / story because i don't really know what to say. so far i have read others' threads and added something. i guess i'd better start a thread but i'm pretty scared.
