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My Story/request forAdvice on finding a Partner/does somebody feel similar like i do?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Marv, Jan 24, 2016.

  1. Marv

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2016
    Messages:
    2
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    Location:
    Germany
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hey everyone in EC, this will be my first post and at the same time my introduction to the forum (i will just skip the introduction area). I am male and 21 years old and live in Europe, Germany. Call me Marv.
    I am not quite sure what purpose it has for me to write this. Or what prupose i wish it to have. I think i just want to have some advice from people that know my point of view. So to my Situation: (English is not my motherstounge, so please forgive mistakes. And this will be a long Text.)

    I grew up in a little city rather on the country side and had my experiences with girls. I know that i have been in love with girls for some times already ( beginning with my first „love“ in the elementary scool continueing up to my most recent „love“ some years ago). I had kissing and making out but i ve never had sex with a girl. Not that i wouldnt have had the chance to, but the girls who i could have slept with did not interest me that much. And also not that i wouldn´t have wanted to but there were just a very few girls until now with whom i would have wanted to go that far. Long story short, a serious relationship with the girls that were important to me never worked. Once we even slept naked together and cuddled but more did not happen because she did not want and i am nobody to force anyone to have sex with me.

    Last year i met a boy who was really nice and also cute. Thanks to him i was abeld to admit to myselve that i am also attracted to boys or in other words that i am Bisexual. Well he is straight (at least that is his opinion, but it is not my duty to screw with how open he can be to himselve) and we were good friends for about half a year. The only Problem was that i wanted more what i also confessed to him. He was rather cool about that in the beginning but i realized that my feelings did frighten him more than he said at first. We still had more than just a „Friends-Relationship“, i was very careing and he obviously enjoyed that. But after a while i realized that this cind of relationship in wich i treated him like a partner and he did not really was not good for me. In this way it came in handy that he screwed some things up (like he once told me if i had wanted to exploit the situation when he was drunk, threw up and i helped him and stuff like that...) that hurt me. So i was abeld to distance myselfe.

    Everything strangely seemed to change as clichee-like that may sound. I was thinking back on different people and friends in my past and realized that maybe liked some boys more than just as a friend bevore that already. Things cind a gave more sense and i propably knew of that part of my selve bevore but was not abeld to accept it. I´ve spend a lot of time thinking if i might be gay, concidering my relationships with girls did not go that well. That made me worry. I didn´t even know why, i am an openminded person and i also have a gay friend who i like and respect a lot. But concidering myselv as gay did not feel comftable. It felt more like closing a door in a hurry to finally get things clear. What i know is that i at least have romantic desires connected to Wimen (i mean maybe i should have been more aroused at the time i layed in bed with the girl mentioned above) maybee also a sexual desire. At the moment it seems like i have a preference for boys (i ve got the feeling like this will change again somewhen).
    It was helpful to be abelt to talk openminded to my friends (to those i entrusted my situation).

    Anyways i was over the guy mentioned above and found a little bit of ease. And BAAM, out of nowehere and like something that had to hide for a long time wanted to burn itselve into my conciousness, i fell for the next guy. A really nice guy. When i first met him at the university (we both are studiing) i thought of him as a handsome and nice guy but i had enough of chasing for something that i could not get and would hurt me anywasy so i wanted to ceep this to friends-level. But when we met he was very open to my and told me a lot about his love-life and i tried to give advice as good as possible. Soon we were going to gym together and then also in the sauna, where it was hard not to see him naked. Up to that point i could ceep it at friends level without bigger problems. I enjoyed the time together but i was abeld to not let myselve slip away. But somewhen we met the next time and chatted about a lot (love-life and partners and so on always were at the top of our discussion-themes and he brought that up not me) and he told me that he had a „gay phase“ some time ago (he did not say that as it would have been some cind of drunken mistake or anything, he ment that seriously) and from that moment on it was hard to ceep my distance. Even if he clearly said that that pahase is over i began to tink of him as potentially more than just a friend.
    In any case he was really honest to me and i told him that i am Bisexual (what i did not do until then because i know that he comes from a rather conservative home and really enjoyed him as a friend and did not want to lose that). He was cool with it and said he apreciates my honesty. Somewhen we also talked about samesex relations and so on, he was the first male person who shared (or had shared) my point of view, so it was great to talk openly.
    To complete my falling-distance-problem, he told me that he had been thinking since i told him that i was bisexual and he thinks that he is propably a little Bi as well and said a lot that made woke my hopes finally, as we were out for a coffee. That completely fucked my brain to describe the feeling most suitably. I really could not sleep for a while, i realized that i had fallen in love with him. I am generally sick of waiting anymore in things of relationships so i wanted to confess to him. Well i did, and he told me that nothing is gonna happen partly because i met him in the wrong phase and partly because he did not feel it with me. That really made me sad because it seemed like something would be finally working for my lovelife, but it did not. I am still getting better but slowly.

    What really pisses me off at the moment is that i dont know how to find somebody that i love who also loves me. Through this last two „episodes“ i realized that i am not attracted to gay men but to straight ones or maybee other bisexuals (not to mention that i hardly meet a girl that i really like and when i do she does not seem to like me or isn´t single). I realized that the candidates on the male side that i find attractive are straight or very hard to be identified as bisexual.
    People always say something like „oh, you are Bisexual so you have double the targets“ but fuck no. I may be abeld to love both genders but just few girls and few boys come into consideration. It is like a hell of a lot Men and Wimen are just really not interesting. My bisexuallity doesn´t mean that i am straight and gay combined, i think i am neither nore. I really just love very special humans. And i mean that is good and beautiful and i know that but it is really tireing to find a partner thatlike. And i really would like to have a partner just now. Sex is not even really important, i want to fall asleep and to wake up next to someone who likes me as much as i like him/her.

    I began not really sure about my question but a good question would be: Can you tell me how to find somebody that fits me? Any advice/help? I would also be happy knowing that some peoble actually feel the same like me especially in things of my sexuality. What do you think?

    Thanks for reading such a long Text.