I was on this site a few years ago and it really helped me when I was coming out to myself as being a lesbian. But now I'm back with a new question. When I masterbate it's hard to get me over the edge unless I imagine that I have a penis and am receiving a blow job or performing whatever acts on a girl. It's starting to worry me. A. Could this be an issue when having sex with a girl later on? B. I've never thought I could be trans before and still don't really think it but could this be a subconscious sign????? I have anxiety issues and this hasn't been helping. Any insight you guys could give me would be amazing! Thanks!
As someone who deals with anxiety daily and have gone through the transgender and sexuality questioning, I understand your dilemma. From what I gather there are a lot of trans men who have questioned their sexuality first. For a long time I thought I could be a lesbian and questioned this for years, and by the time I figured out I was bisexual, my gender identity took a giant U turn. Let me also point out that sometimes sexual fantasies are just fantasies, but this could also be a symptom of dysphoria as well. Some people experience no dysphoria at all, others have it all the time. Myself, I was always a tomboy growing up and thought that was just what I was until I discovered transgender and completely resonated with it, although I did have to do quite a bit of research. There are so many stories and feelings, and each person is different. Both your questions are related I think. This could be an issue during intercourse if you do experience dysphoria or if you let your anxiety get the better of you (and if she knows, and whether she's okay with it or not). Again this could only be a fantasy in your case, but some women do like the idea of having male anatomy in their mind sometimes and it doesn't mean they're necessarily transgender or genderfluid. Some situations just make people feel more male or more female. However, if you're concerned about being transgender, you could create another thread in the gender expression and identity forum asking transgender men and women how they knew they were trans and/or what they went through before realizing they were and what some of their signs were. I read the books Some Assembly Required and Beyond Magenta, stories of transgender youth, and honestly it helped me realized things about myself I just completely didn't acknowledge until now. Now, I'll add this if it helps, but for me learning that I was transgender was a difficult process because I didn't know what it meant until a few months ago and then just realized that was who I was after I thought about it. For one, I was a tomboy. Secondly, I had wondered what it would feel like for a man in a sexual relationship and receiving pleasure. I just thought I had an overactive imagination. Thirdly, clothing and accessories seen as more masculine in society made me feel more comfortable and happier than female. Plus, I just had this feeling that I never knew who I was at all growing up no matter what I did, like part of me was missing. I hope this helps settle some of your anxieties. If you need anything else or more clarification, let me know and I'll see if I can help.
Greetings Gem871, I just wanted to welcome you back to the community. I don't have any personal experience with your question, but wanted to extend my e-hand, and let you know that you are in good company here. Please stick around and continue to explore. Coming on here every few days has been a huge help over the past two months; even just reading and responding to other people's problems/troubles/questions has brought me a lot of relief. Maybe doing something similar will alleviate some of your anxiety, and allow you to be a little bit more clear headed when considering such major questions and potential decisions. Best wishes, Trevor
