Mutual affection/feelings?

I appreciate the feedback and comments here on EC. I've been dealing with a bit of some personal issues lately and I keep pushing through as much as I can day-to-day.


I've alluded here about having a real close friendship with a younger guy at my college. I've mentioned it here quite a lot. I've just been dealing with the loss of a friendship. I mean, it's nothing on my part. It's a complicated situation.

I've just been thinking at times, if the friendship had mutual affection or some veiled sexual feelings we had but never acknowledged. I felt like we had some traces of sexual feelings that we never disclosed up front.

I mean we were really close with affection:
*hugs lasting longer than 30 seconds(I estimate 60 seconds to 2 minutes)
*Saying "I love you" a couple of times after leaving somewhere.
*Some borderline older brother/younger brother role. Affectionate terms I mean.
*the hugs had us really really close together in embraces physically. It seemed borderline sexual.
*I always told him, I'd be there for him. And he said something along the same lines. That's from something from a long time ago. I'll explain in a different post or maybe I did already.
*We've been together alone at times and had those hugs. I felt some brief sexual tension vibe. I felt a vibe at times.
*At point I decided to push the affection a little higher, I petted his hair a bit while we hugged. I mean, it's something about that I liked. I mean, the hugs and the petting just felt a bit sexual for me. I mean, Travis didn't complain while I petted him you know. If we had sex right there and then, I wouldn't have mind.

It's hard to say, if the both of us had mutual feelings(platonic or sexual). It's hard for me to move on because I still love him. Even with him and I distant because of Travis's issues and demons, I still have feelings for him. At times, I really want him back in my life because I looked out for him and try to protect him from the shadiest of people in his life.