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Can't accept my sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Lostinmylife, Jan 26, 2016.

  1. Lostinmylife

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    Hey everybody first of all thanks for reading this, i feel lonely , sad and lost.. I hate my life right now and being heard by you is the only thing that gives me a bit of hope..

    I am suffering so much recently..
    I had thoughts of killing myself ect..
    Today i spent the whole day in my bed trying to forget who i am ..

    I used to be straight , not 100% straight but maybe 90% straight 10% gay you know ?
    Only attracted to penises (maybe because of shemale porn) but never thought on acting on it because well , it was what is was : a fantasy .

    But here i am now,feeling less and less attracted to girls, i can still have sex with girls and still get it up but i will not be that much aroused..
    I can't even develop feelings for girls now.. As if my body decided to stop being straight one day..

    Regarding guys i still don't get spontaneous erection while looking at them nor by masturbating but i can orgasme and i feel urges to do so that i don't understand because i don't want to feel that.
    (i get erections and can orgasme to girls too but it feels like a fake attraction now..)

    my mind keeps telling me that i am gay or at least bisexual..
    i have nothing against LGBT , infact i was a Gay rights defender.
    But it is not who i am you know ?

    i spent 2 hours crying , listening to music , thinking of how much i loved my ex girlfriends and that i might never feel this again for a girl..
    It drives me crazy..I am actually crying while writing this..

    I can look at breast and be like "why the fuck are you not excited anymore?"

    when i see a shirtless buff guy , my heath beat increase , i become anxious and scared i'll find it arousing and get millions of spasm down there but never get erect or at best 20% but my mind keeps telling me "you know you prefer it , you are just blocking your erections" and it might be true because i do get erect by looking at really muscular girls ..

    I am so lost .. I wouldn't mind being bisexual leaning more toward the sex i always liked but it is as if i am becoming more and more gay..
    I just want to feel the way i was.. Having desire for the opposite sex.. I could have killed for my ex girlfriend ..
    I lost her because those thought blocked my feelings for her.. Sometimes i think about how we were in love, all the things we've done and i cry again..
    Why ? Why ? I just loved her so much.. Now we are just friends.. And i would love to fall in love with her again but it is as if i was to "gay" to love her anymore.. I will only experience small feeling that will vanish instantly..

    Same for my new girlfriend , at the beginning i thought i will fall in love , felt something and boom nothing..

    How can i be gay if i want to be straight so much ? How can i be leaning more toward guys if i was straight all along ?

    I am experiencing all that since a gay dream i made that started this paranoia 5 or 6 months ago..

    I had sex 10/15 times with 4 different girls since that dream sometimes really aroused sometimes not that much and it is hard to stay focused when you constantly ask yourself "would it be better with a nice 6 pack ?" usually it leads to loss of erection..
    Well here i am now ..
    Confused after 6 months can't accept the fact that i am losing my straight self..

    I look back to every time i saw shirtless/naked man in porn or at the beach back then and NOTHING while i had boner looking at sexy girls ..

    Why am i so fucking lost?

    i feel like i am lying to myself.. But reality can't change in one day..

    Thanks everybody i love you all and wish you the best <3
     
  2. Bibliovian

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    My heart goes out to you! It sounds like you have a very frustrating discovery path ahead of you to determine these answers for yourself. I, unfortunately, will probably not be able to shield any light on this but hope you find yourself with relative peace!

    I will say - go easy on yourself - you don't need to have the answers right away. Know that we have all made the same discovery and asked ourselves similar questions (is it normal to think about women when intimate? Is it just physical or romantic? Is it new?) and hopefully EC can help support you.
     
  3. Elli

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    First, take a deep breath.
    I don't know how old you are, but I would just recommend to stop thinking too much about it, if it's possible. Don't stress yourself over it so much, it'll just confuse you even more.
    It seems weird to me that you'd really turn 100% gay if you were basically straight before.
    I'm just confused if you say you were like 10% gay and then you said you feel NOTHING seeing an attractive guy.
    If you're bisexual and you were leaning more towards girls and now more towards guys - I think that's basically normal? I've heard something like that happen to other bisexual people before. Basically they would wake up and feel more attracted to the one gender than the other; and then it might change again.

    I'd tell you to stop overthinking your sexuality. Because sexuality isn't something you can control by thinking and stressing over it only makes it worse (Believe me, I know)
    Maybe you should try to focus more on other stuff right now and should you really develop a crush on a guy, just let it happen.
    If something happened between you and another male, you could most definitely tell if you were more/less attracted to them than to girls.

    You'll realize in a few years from now that you were confused at this time, yes ; But this confusion doesn't last as long

    Don't worry, dude; I'm here for you and I hope you get better soon!
     
  4. Lostinmylife

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    the thing is i love girls , i mean i love to love girls , to be loved by them , to cuddle them and i used to really want to have sex with them (until this obsession started)
    i just don't want to be something that is not how i define myself ..
    I mean , being gay is alright , bi is alright , straight is alright but i don't want to say goodbye to girls and i don't want them to be a second choice..
    Being bi is not even an issue now (i start to tell myself i am bi to get used to it) but i want to be more straight than gay..
    I know it is not something i can control but i used to desire girls so much i was even masturbating over non nude pictures on Facebook -____-"
    (just to tell you how much aroused i was by them)
    I just want ti feel the way i was before all that..
    If i was lets say 70/30 or 80/20 straight well no problem , i can live with that !
    i am now offered of my futur, of turning gay , of losing my attraction to girls , of living a LIE everyday..
    But this lie was my reality for 24 years so how can it suddenly become a lie ?

    Is my attraction to guys false and i am suffering from sexual OCD as my psychologist told me ? i am not sure at all ..
    Is my attraction to girls a product of society and i was just thinking i was attracted to them ? i don't know ..

    All i can say is that i loved girls so much and i just can't give up this part of me..
    I know sexuality is not a choice but what kind of sick joke is this ?
    going from : make me feel so much in love i was planning to marry my gf
    to : maybe i am gay and it was all a lie .. maybe i am gay and a little bit straight ..

    ---------- Post added 26th Jan 2016 at 12:52 PM ----------

    i said 90/10% just because i had some curiosity about oral sex but never wanted to try it in real life . So i put 10% just because occasionally(1/1000) i would have this fantasy but never to an other part of the body and never someone who existed .
    Looking at a guy never gave me arousal ! i could say "hey he looks good" but never felt anything .
    I slept next to guys and never felt anything too

    ---------- Post added 26th Jan 2016 at 12:53 PM ----------

    The thing is i was not attracted to guys all my attention was for girls so i wasn't even considering myself as bisexual ! I never thought i could be bi or gay because well i never wanted to have sex or a relationship with a guy..

    ---------- Post added 26th Jan 2016 at 01:05 PM ----------

    oh and i don't want to develop a crush on a guy..It scares me so much..
     
  5. AKTodd

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    This sort of jumped out at me while reading your post.

    What was this dream and why does it seem to have affected you so much?

    TBH, it sounds at least somewhat to me like you might be psyching yourself out or obsessing about the possibility that you might not be straight - which might be negatively effecting your sex life and arousal. Human beings are not machines and sexual arousal has a very strong psychological component. Stress of various kinds can negatively impact sexual performance, basically.

    Just an initial thought,

    Todd
     
  6. Lostinmylife

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    I was looking at my gf and cuddling her , she turned into a ugly fat guy and i started touching this ugly guy's penis and in my dream i felt quiet aroused and then yelled to myself "wtf are you doing?" and went away . To mention at this time my relation with my ex girlfriend was a mess , no confidence , no self esteem , no manliness nothing .. i was quiet depressed and after this dream i started to obsess about it ..

    for exemple i just look for "muscular guys" on gay porn and looked at it for hours , i looked at nearly 20 porn videos and thousands of pictures , i feel a weird sensation in my penis (nearly painful) and feel like i am going to get erect but it is just flat and my penis just become so small it is actually scary .. i never get erect ..

    I seriously try i tell myself "don't hide,don't be ashamed just embrasse your attraction" but still stay flat..

    Sometimes i feel a weird flow of arousal but nothing after.. and when i try to concentrate on the body it become not arousing at all..

    the only fixation i have is on abs but maybe just because i know it is sexy and because i'm chubby..

    i feel like it might be admiration .. the guys that seems to be "arousing" are tall (i am barely 1m70) with nice facial hair (still have nearly nothing at 24) and with nice muscles 'i'm a little bit chubby)

    still lost..

    PS: i am grossed by the act.. i get bad feelings when i look at ass licking , balls , or anal..

    ---------- Post added 27th Jan 2016 at 05:42 PM ----------

    regarding masturbation i get hard and can have an orgasm to straight thoughts
    with gay thought it stays flat but this weird feeling can makes me get an orgasm without even being erect.. This weird feeling trigger orgasm but i am not "excited" i still can't understand it..
    sometimes gay thoughts just trigger any sensation and then it is impossible to orgasm or get hard..
    Until this dream i NEVER masturbated on gay thoughts or blowjob but 1/1000 fantasies and it was an "extra" usually second round if i was still horny and wanted something "exotic" but as i told before no body no face no nothing and not even erect because erect penis doesn't really "arouse" me in fantasies (i think it is because of my shemale period usually they never were erected in the movies and always passive never active)

    ---------- Post added 27th Jan 2016 at 05:50 PM ----------

    My psychologist insist on the fact that i am straight that i never crushed on a guy or felt sexual/romantic attraction to guys and basically because i always have obsession , this is my new one
    - scared of killing someone when i was a kid
    -Obsession over being cheated on since my teenage years
    -fear of not getting erect in sex (99% of the time no problem but the fear never went away and i had many compulsion to concider that it will work)

    and i also have Intentional compulsive disorders such as always touching things twice (if i don't touch it twice it seems "wrong" sometimes i have to tell many times the same sonority in my head like the "P" to get satisfied , i do a weird thing with my hand but nobody notice it

    So i think i told you pretty much everything
     
  7. AKTodd

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    I'm not reading anything here that indicates that you're gay. I think your psychologist may be correct.

    I don't buy the idea that dreams mean much of anything really. And if you're essentially forcing yourself to watch gay porn and forcing yourself to try to feel arousal - unsuccessfully by the sound of it - that doesn't seem like any kind of indicator that you might be gay or bi. Admittedly porn or ones reaction to porn is not a good indicator (porn is designed to titillate and arouse, after all), but still.

    Perhaps you should try some of these activities out and see what they do for you. They are generally seen as being a better indicator than one's reaction to porn:

    a) Try masturbating without porn. Just use fantasy. Imagine something you find sexually arousing - something totally out of your imagination, not a replay of some porn that you've seen. Most importantly, go into it relaxed and with no pre-existing ideas of what you 'should' be thinking about. Just let your mind go where it wants and with what feels best. Now - where did your fantasy go? Toward sex with a man or sex with a woman?

    b) Again, masturbate without porn as above - but this time explicitly fantasize about sex with a man. Can be any act or set of acts that you find arousing or think you might. Next time you masturbate, again do it without porn - but this time explicitly fantasize about sex with a woman. When all this is said and done (it doesn't need to happen all at once or on the same day or anything), compare your experiences - which fantasy did you find most arousing?

    c) Go out into the world and find a place where you can people watch and then pretend for the day that you actually are for sure gay. Allow yourself to check out guys without any expectation or judgement about what you 'should' or 'should not' be doing. On a different day, do the same thing, but this time pretend that you are straight and spend the day checking out women. Now, compare the experiences - which did you enjoy more?

    Once all is said and done and putting the results of the above together - you might have a better indicator of where your orientation really lies.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  8. Lostinmylife

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    without porn i am always thinking about girls get erect and orgasm but now the voice in the back of my head tells me i should think of guys and as i said i don't get erect and the act don't arouse me but the weird feeling can make me orgasme but without any erection (max 20%)

    for the C i did it today and when i say that i am gay i look at guys and i'm like "meeh" i can say "he is really good looking" or "i'd like to look like him" but not "i'll fuck him" the only problem is that the question "am i attracted to this guy" will pop again and again so my only way to stop it is to say "well maybe , i'm bi so maybe" and the thought become powerless because i don't give a shit about it and after that i usually forget even the existence of the guy , until the question pops again !

    Thanks for your time <3
     
  9. AKTodd

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    Three thoughts here:

    1) What you're describing as orgasm is ejaculation (I assume) more than 'orgasm'. A big part of sex is mental - so much so that it's been said that the most important sexual organ is the one between your ears. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that way before this current situation, there were times where you masturbated - maybe because you were just a bit horney, or maybe because you had some alone time and felt you couldn't waste the opportunity, or whatever- but you just weren't that much into it. Maybe because you were tired, or just not feeling it that day. But you came, and while it was an orgasm, it wasn't that intense, either in terms of the level of sensation or the satisfaction you got out of it. Conversely, there were probably times when you were really really turned on and excited to be masturbating and really got into it and the orgasm was mind blowing.

    2) A bit of quick googling turns up that some rape victims (men and women both) actually experience orgasms during the act - and most definitely not because they are having a good time.

    3) I've read that if a man breaks his back (certainly not a fun activity) that he may orgasm/ejaculate involuntarily.

    The point of all this being that just because you are orgasming/ejaculating does not mean you are enjoying what is going on or what you are seeing.

    Beyond that, you keep saying that your mind is telling you you 'should be thinking of guys'. Speaking as a gay man who's been out and about for over 20yrs I can tell you I don't get turned on by guys because I 'should', I get turned on by guys because I just do. And conversely, I don't (and never have) get turned on by women even though a significant portion of human culture is devoted to the idea that I should.


    Intrusive thoughts about whether or not you are attracted to a guy seem IMHO to be a world apart from actually feeling attraction to a guy. Being able to tell that someone is attractive (especially by the standards broadcast all over the place by a multibillion dollar fashion industry) doesn't really say anything either.

    I'd suggest trying the other techniques suggested earlier. And I'd also suggest that a single dream doesn't really mean anything - the more so given that you don't seem to be actually feeling any real attraction to guys on an emotional or physical level but instead seem to be intellectually telling yourself over and over that you must be gay or bi because you had a dream.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  10. Funn

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    I won't bother trying to give any advice or passing along any wisdom that I probably don't have. There are older and wiser people here for that.

    I just want to let you know that, regardless of the fact that I don't actually know you, I was moved and saddened by what you wrote there. I care. Just know that and please do not do anything based on how you feel now. It is temporary.

    I really hope you feel better about all this soon, sweety. <3