hey guys. i've been questioning for over a year now, it was triggered by an article i read online that said if you have a low sex drive, you could be gay in denial. since then, literally not a single day has gone by when it's not on my mind. some days, it's more in the back of my mind and i am able to ignore it and feel happy and enjoy my current relationship with my boyfriend. some days, like today and basically every day this past week, it completely takes over. i can't go a few minutes without worrying about whether or not i am a lesbian in denial. i don't do my homework. i am falling behind in class because all i can do when i get home is sit at my computer and obsessively read through this forum and look at videos/photos of attractive people of both genders to test myself. i feel sick. i find myself looking at attractive girls all the time now and i can't stop. when i look at a girl and think that she's pretty, i immediately feel sick inside. i try to force myself to think about having sex with them or dating them and i just feel intense anxiety. it gets so bad that i sometimes think "well, if i turn out to be a lesbian i don't have to live anymore, i can just kill myself" to try to make myself feel better. i know someone will inevitably ask "well, what is so bad about being a lesbian for you?" i think there are several reasons. -i love my boyfriend so much and i often think i want to spend the rest of my life with him (main reason) -the idea of dating/kissing girls just makes me so uncomfortable... (maybe it's internalized homophobia? i don't know. i have never thought being gay was wrong. it's just wrong for me) -it totally uproots my sense of identity -if i turn out to be a lesbian, i'm scared that people will think my relationship with my boyfriend was not legitimate. i don't want me or other people to look back on the relationship and think, "oh, lol, that was back when i/gbxx dated guys". our relationship is very special to me. i don't want it to have been a "fake" relationship this whole time. reasons it definitely doesn't bother me: -i do not believe in god so it's not a religious thing, although i was raised christian -i know that my family will accept and love me no matter what i don't even know where i'm going with this, really. does anyone have any insight? does my experience sound normal for someone who is questioning, or lesbian in denial? or is it more indicative of a mental/emotional problem that i need to get help for? where do i go from here? i'm just looking for anything that will make me feel better. the anxiety is absolutely destroying me. i will say without a doubt that this past year has been the worst year of my life. i cry probably 5 days a week and i get panic attacks in the middle of class. i hate myself. any responses would be so, so appreciated. please. and thank you.
I'm not really sure if this is normal for questioning. I never went through any of this when I was questioning my sexuality, but perhaps others have? To be honest, your post really reminds me of my self. I keep worrying about things over and over again, and think that I'm hiding things from myself when I'm really not. When I tell my mom about my worries she tells me that they are all pointless and that they mean nothing. This anxiety also makes me hate myself really badly sometimes. I think I might have OCD, which coincidently seems to run in our family. I think that if the idea of dating/kissing girls makes you uncomfortable then there is a good chance you are not a lesbian! If you can't see yourself with a girl in the future, and you do not feel romantic or sexual attraction towards girls, I do not think you're a lesbian at all. By your post I think that you might have some type of anxiety issue, perhaps pure OCD like me? Then again, I'm not a doctor and I can't diagnose you, but I think that you should definitely talk to a therapist or something. I really doubt that you're a lesbian because nothing you've written points to it. Then again, if one day you discover that you actually do have some attraction to women, I don't think you should worry about it either. You don't just have to be a lesbian, you could be bisexual or a bunch of other things too! Having attraction to women doesn't mean that you can't spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend if you love him and want too.
Hey TypicalTuesday, thanks so much for the quick reply. I didn't really elaborate in this post on why I feel that I could possibly be a lesbian because I have written several posts about it already. The gist of it is that I used to be very turned on by breasts as a younger person, I used to look up pictures of them and draw naked girls, which kinda sounds gay to me. I remember when I started high school I had a sort of mental list of attractive girls as well as a mental list of attractive guys. I have various other memories of finding certain girls physically/aesthetically attractive, but never anything that I recognized as a crush. On the other hand, I've had a ton of crushes on guys. BUT I've never experienced arousal to imagery of naked guys. I've only fantasized about sex twice, and both times were with guys. I'm just all over the place and I hate it. I really need to see a new therapist. I'm not really comfortable sharing things with the one I'm currently seeing, so I really hold back. Also she doesn't seem to "believe" in mental illness, so she hasn't given me a diagnosis or anything. The problem is also that, because I'm worrying about this so much, I go through periods where I feel like maybe I'm not attracted to my boyfriend. I feel like the anxiety makes me lose my attraction and it's just this horrible downward spiral. I guess the conclusion here is that I really need professional help Thank you so much for listening and sharing your advice <3
Hey I have been in your exact position before and it was not pretty either. All I can say is don't waste your time concerning yourself with theories and tests on how you might possibly be gay but instead examine your actual feelings. Simply put, live in the moment take a step back and enjoy what you used to. Trust me when I say that constant worry about your sexual orientation is not worth it, even though it is a part of who you are it is not WHO you are as a whole. Maybe instead of racing to a conclusion try to take it slow. First start out by figuring out if you feel comfortable in/ with the LGBTQ+ community as an ally or maybe as a lesbian you could even say your questioning and that would be just as valid as any identity, if at all possible get to know somebody who is gay/ lesbian/ bisexual and see if you relate to any of their experiences. Meditate on an identity until you find one that feels right to you (I was really fixated on "I think I'm gay" that I didn't really notice that I was actually bisexual). Crushes are a really good indicator of who your attracted to look back and see if you have had any crushes on girls. boys? Know that sexuality can be complicated af look at various orientations and see if any apply to you. Don't take any of them to heart just experiment with different labels (there are a lot of them you'd be surprised. Maybe look on AVEN to find some) If you do find something that works for you you don't need to feel obligated to come out about it if you don't want to. Know that sexual orientation can be different than romantic orientation. Your orientation does NOT invalidate your feelings for your boyfriend nor do your feelings for your boyfriend invalidate your identity. I have a lesbian friend who has dated and cared about and even loved a couple of boys in her life and it doesn't make her less of a lesbian. And I've only ever fallen in love with a girl and that doesn't make me less of a bisexual. Ultimately you are in control of how you decide to label yourself. Even though it might take a long time to figure that out take that time lightly and with careful observance of how you feel not necessarily what you think.
Hi-first of all- realise that bisexuality exists. I understand that having the possibility of same- sex attractions is upsetting to you if you have build up a sense of identity as a straight person- but sexuality is not 'either/or'- straight or gay, black and white. There is a lot of nuance in between- and bisexuality *does* exist. Now, I am not saying that you are bisexual, but that getting used to the idea of bisexuality will be helpful to overcome the black/white mentality of 'gay v. straight'. Attraction to both genders *can* co-exist, and having some attraction to the same sex (and it is unclear if you do have such attraction- your post does not really explain this) will not automatically make any attraction or relationship with the opposite sex invalid. Regarding your sexuality- it is possible that being aroused to women as a child could be a sign of bisexuality or homosexuality- but it might also not be, because sexuality develops differently in people. When it comes to your question: "Is it normal when questioning" - I am not qualified to answer this, however your post does indicate a high level of anxiety which relates to identity, rather than sexuality. Hence I would say that this level of anxiety might be less common- but I again, each individual will go through their process differently. I would advise to continue seeking help for anxiety first, because anxiety has the tendency to trap you in black/and white thinking patterns. Also I have found practicing meditation /mindfulness exercises, even for 10-20 min a day very helpful- it calms worry/questioning somehow, and it helps you to be more aware. When it comes to your bf- again, things are not always black and white, and as the poster said above, having attraction to women does not mean that you cannot spend the rest of your life with your bf if you love him and want to.
For me, when I realized I was either bi or gay, I went through/am still going through some/all/maybe more of the bullet points you list. I kind of used to obsess before this, like I'd get fixated on a new rain jacket and spend weeks researching and trying on rain jackets. Or shoes. Or any clothes in particular. I haven't bought any clothes since realizing my sexuality. And I'm wondering if it's just my current obsession. So can you talk to someone about this, a qualified LGBT counselor? I can tell you one thing, quizzing yourself on who you think is hot is not a way out of this. The others are right that when it comes to sexuality you gotta pay attention to your feelings of the moment. If you love your bf and you are bi, it can work. Maybe it can work if you are 100% gay too, but you might feel more like you're missing out in that scenario. But there are people who are gay who choose to be in hetero relationships or even married (and modified marriage arrangements are possible). I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to decide this moment, this year or ever if you are bi or a lesbian. You just have to be true to yourself and your feelings and emotions. Yes meditation and yoga and creative outlets or sports/physical outlets are great too. I know it sucks. I wish I could say "You are a Kinsey 5" and ease your mind. But the thing is, even if that were the case, it could change over the years since we are humans and we do have sexual fluidity. The right person might make you forget everything you thought about your orientation. Keep the faith, and don't be too hard on yourself. But for me, the bullet pointed lists were helpful, ultimately, even though they may have been obsessive. Because it helped me organize my thoughts which were all over the place. So journaling might be a way for you to go, to get it out of your head and onto paper.
