Well happy and sad too. Happy because my girl partner and I are so close. When we go to bed together, I feel so much desire and passion and drive to please her and just experience bliss. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before. Out of bed is great too, and also unlike anything, just getting along all the time, like we have known each other all our lives. But I am really impressed by how free I feel around her to be myself in the bedroom, and how everything just feels right for the first time in my life. Sad I guess because my spouse enjoys going to bed with me and now I am understanding what he was so happy about all this time. And that he felt that with me, the bliss and love flowing and passion and I can't say if I ever felt it back. I understand his attraction to me and his interest in sex and being together, now that I have felt it with her. Now i feel like such a shit. This post started out so positive. Sorry.
Hey Rachael1954, Emotions are tricky... one minute they're over here... another minute theyre over there.... so, be kind and gentle with yourself. It's okay to start off happy and end up sad. It's something that pretty much everyone else goes through on a consistent basis. You are in good company fellow human First off, your post inspired me! How wonderful is it that you get to experience bliss, joy, happiness, and excitement with your partner, both in and beyond the bedroom. Secondly, the remorse you feel for your spouse emerges, because you have compassion for your spouse. Although you may no longer want to have sex with your spouse and you now realize you didn't match his intensity, you are feeling the pangs of your emotions because you truly care. Now that you recognize your emotions/passions/desire don't match your spouse, it isn't fair to keep up appearances to try and fulfill him. Just like you are eager to continue loving your new partner, it may make sense to liberate your spouse, so that he may go and find someone who will match his passion/desires. Although these desires are some of the toughest that we have to make, it is usually beneficial for all parties involved. The short-term pain is overcome by long-term peace. Whether you're sad or happy, you will be taken care of. Best wishes, Trevor
I used to get 'randy' and attack him for sex all the time though, and I don't trust my feelings of the moment. I was happy with him before I met her. But once I met her everything changed like a switch was flipped. The first long conversations. The first time I kissed her. If I think logically, how can I leave this person who has always been there for me for decades, to pursue someone I've only known a year. If I think emotionally, I feel only EVERYTHING for her, the songs, the same wavelength even though we are apart, the same happiness when we're together. She is so happy just to be with me and it makes my heart glad. If i think emotionally about him he's comfortable but we've never had the "connection" not even 10% of what I feel with her. I've never felt so strongly before. But people who feel the connection just get hurt. And doesn't every relationship fall into a rut? How can I hurt him after everything he's done for me, when he's willing to let me have her on the side? But I've hurt him already. I just want him to give me permission to go and his blessing and that will never come. ---------- Post added 28th Jan 2016 at 08:59 AM ---------- Trevor I meant to say thanks and this makes sense and I agree. I am doing my best to liberate him but he doesn't see it that way. But it just may take time.
Dear Rachael, Wow. Thanks again for being open, honest, and vulnerable. Just reading your posts help me a lot. You concluded one of your paragraphs with this: "I just want him to give me permission to go and his blessing and that will never come." I am curious about why you need his permission to be able to leave this relationship? Just to clear: I am NOT suggesting that you need to leave this relationship, and I am NOT saying that you should leave. At the same time, it seems that you are trying to fulfill your spouse's desires, even though you know that you can't do that (at least under your current understanding and emotional state). If this perspective persists for years and years, is it fair to either of you to stay in this relationship? The short-term consequences may allow your husband to find something truly meaningful. Of course, that is the ideal, and it may never occur. But, to me, it doesn't seem healthy to feign some happiness and partnership that doesn't actually exist. Other questions to consider: since your spouse is open to you having this other relationship, are you open to staying committed to your spouse? Could you be happy having both? Could your spouse be content with the ways things are years to come? Do you feel that staying with your spouse is blocking you from living the life you want? Do you feel that you could live the life you truly want and stay with your spouse? I am trying to be as respectful as I can, and to just ask the questions that I think are 1) important, but 2) difficult. Just wondering, Trevor
Trevor, you are so nice and understanding thanks! Yes it seems a tightrope of I want to stay long enough that he comes to accept what has happened and/or find a replacement for me in his thoughts so he can let me go, and to honor the years I've been with him and not just drop him. I want to be compassionate. However I don't want to drag things out, risk losing her, or needlessly prolong my anguish and everyone around me's anguish at the expense of proceeding with the life I want. I want to be realistic, too. I guess i feel I need his permission to leave due to the power dynamic that is between us. I only dated her with his permission/blessing but once it got to a certain point I just wanted to be with her all the time and he is just keeping me from being with her. He wants to stay married and I don't want a divorce really but I just want to be free to go be with her and live the life without having any consequences. Once I felt this passion open up inside me, I knew I had never felt it with him and it made me so sad that I dragged him into this mess. I am glad for the questions you asked. She just makes me feel something unbelievable and I want to keep feeling it.
I agree with omgwhatishappen that your honesty is beautiful and inspiring. I hope that you won't take what I am about to say next as me trying to pass judgement. In the end, the only thing I want for anyone is to be happy. I mean that. I am concerned about this whole situation. I mean, you are already in the midst of it, and it is really touching how hard you are trying to be compassionate toward your spouse. I guess what I am about to say is meant for those that may find themselves facing some of the same decisions or situations in the future. Monogamy is not just for prudes. It is a beautiful thing that allows two people to share a bond that no one else is allowed to be part of. It removes a great deal of complication in your life, and it gives you a chance to dedicate yourself to another person completely. I don't mean this as a sermon or anything, but if you are already married, please give yourself a chance to be happy with that person. Even if you cannot find any sexual desire for them, even if you have to miss out on some of that passion that Rachael described so beautifully. If you really try to accept that person as the one you will share your life with, exclusively, you may be surprised at the simple contentment and satisfaction that comes with that. I admit I am not speaking from experience. I thought I found the person I would spend the rest of my life with, and I turned out to be wrong. Nonetheless, I am still a firm believer in monogamy. Racael, I really want to emphasize that I in no way think you are a bad person or anything. It sounds like you gave your marriage a very fair chance. You actually made my heart ache a little (in a good way) for that kind of passion. I really hope you can manage to work all of this out in a way that leaves you all better off. Either way, you should try not to feel too bad about anything. You clearly have a deep concern for the feelings of others, and that is lovely.
Thanks Funn, Yes it's difficult. All parties knew all the facts beforehand. Was supposed to be a fling with her but all of a sudden I'm transported to another dimension with her and I don't know if I can find my way back or if I want to. Thanks for your honesty.
