I want to make this brief so here it goes When I was younger (7-10) I was pretty interested in kissing boys I would chase them around the playground but as soon as I learned about sex I kind of stopped because I thought that that's what kissing would lead to and I didn't want that. I began getting little urges to kiss my girl friends but I figured that it was just my hormones acting up because puberty (urges and what not) so I just wrote it off as nbd. When I was 10 I became close friends with this boy and I think I had feelings for him but I was also really lonely at the time so I'm not sure, I got warm feelings but I was also kind of uncomfortable with the idea of dating at that young of an age so the idea of being in a romantic relationship felt kind of wrong. In my tween years I never really had any feelings for boys I didn't find them/ relationships with them disgusting or anything I just didn't want anything like that. Still little kissing urges with close girl friends persisted and I wrote it off as nbd and that they wouldn't want that sort of thing. I found a couple boys cute and thought of them as crushes but still I didn't think that I experienced that the same way my friends did. It wasn't until I was 14 that I was 100% confident that I was a woman and that sexual feelings would soon follow and I would start feeling urges towards tons of boys. I got my first crush the feelings resembled those of the chase-kiss games from when I was younger and he called me cute so I got butterflies too. We never ended up dating but I still liked him and felt disappointed when he said he didn't like me back. When I was 15/16 I got my first boyfriend he wasn't the most handsome of people but he was sweet and I liked when we held hands/ cuddled. Then about three months in I fell head over heels for a close girl friend it was like nothing I had ever experienced before I was in love and everything became really messy. I thought that I was hella gay and I began to find kissing my bf less appealing and making out was very uncomfortable. I broke it off with him and broke his heart after 8 months together. Still haven't told him the truth. I didn't feel much but guilt and I didn't really miss him. 17 Head over heels in love, heart got broken when she almost committed suicide, I contemplated my identity again and thought that I was too hasty to assume I was gay so I tried to go back to boys. didn't work and now my peers and mother are starting to wonder/ ask if I am gay (haha didn't give them the truth for the next 2 years) I freak out try to obsessively/ subtly convince people that I am straight. I realize that "you are only as gay to others as you identify" and "nobody really notices if your barely interested in someone" 17/18 I'm really into gay things I find a lot of girls attractive but I don't really want to get into relationships/ have sex with any of them unless I know them/ know that I have a chance with them. I distance myself from the LGBTQ community by saying I'm a hetero ally and saying as little as possible about the LGBT community (I do not look the part though) got my first gf didn't end up working out but we just became random hookup buddies for senior year but I ended up having feelings and realizing how great physical intimacy is with someone your attracted to. Today I find myself to be very much interested in shirtless men I find the male body very pleasing to the eye and I think I want to experience intimacy with that. I'm out as bi to my family and some of my friends as well as girls I'm interested in. I find it odd that I'm not comfortable coming out to anybody (people usually have to pry it out of me) but I am a prominent member of my universities GSA (things are very conflicting rn). I haven't really tried with guys, and my motto at the beginning of college was "if I could be happy and normal why not be both and the only thing really preventing me from doing that is if I openly identify as bisexual" haha that wasn't short. But I do have a few questions. Was I too hasty in developing my identity based on the fact that I fell in love with a girl? Things that make me doubt I’m gay -The “am I holding onto an identity that might not even apply anymore? Have I just sunk so far into the pink triangle that I might be missing out on a potentially amazing relationship with a guy?” -I am perfectly fine calling myself a straight ally/ gayest straight person in the world -Was I just lonely and clung onto an identity that I thought would make me feel less alone? -I think I could be happy in a relationship with a guy (but it resembles a queer-platonic relationship) -Shirtless men grab my attention/ stir something inside (it’s sexy but it’s not sexual appetite) -Making out with a dude turned me on (but made me feel uncomfortable everywhere else) - BDSM straight porn turns me on -I want to experience sex with a guy -I get super nervous/ anxious when kissing a girl -I don’t get butterflies watching other lesbian couples -Looking at this list all I see is the stereotypical “straight girl” Things that make me think I’m gay -I think I’ve only ever been romantically interested in women. -I see a potential future ending up with a lady and we are happy -I get super nervous/ anxious when kissing a girl -I mostly just have sexual fantasies about women -I get super sappy seeing lesbian couples -I see a happy turnout if I just come out and learn to be proud of being gay/ bi (but idk what I should come out as) -I’ve experienced internalized heterosexism/ biphobia -I’ve always admired/ imitated lesbian women -I feel connected to the LGBT community (but I don’t feel a part of it) -I’ve fallen in love once (which made me first seriously question) with a girl -I haven’t experienced a crush on a boy in about six years now? (I’ve had minor occurrences but nothing compared to the way that one girl made me feel)
Hey Flyingsublime8, First off, thanks so much for your detailed post. I can totally relate to the back-and-forth mentality of your thinking, and I really appreciate you providing a lot of information on either side. Of course, there are more aspects to romantic attraction and sexual attraction than just "either" or "both" sides. With that said, I will try and be as honest as I can. Most of my opinion comes from my personal experience, and I hope it will be useful to you. To me, it seems that you are either bisexual or, more-likely, gay. Although you have been open to this aspect of yourself for a long time, it doesn't seem that you have truly accepted this potential truth. Before I really accepted my true sexuality, I fought as fervently as you are trying to come up with a formula to figure out exactly what I was. Once I started to accept myself more, all the facts and questions that were constantly pinging around my head slowly began to recede. I began to see that my 'attraction' for women was more of a profound 'appreciation' for their beauty, grace, and style. I began to recognize that I wasn't actually sexually attracted to every-single-man-that-ever-lived, but I began to recognize and identify the men that really turned me on. When I considered myself heterosexual, I was 'turned on' by a large percentage of women. Not that I consider myself gay, I recognize that I am more selective (I definitely have a 'type), and that all this is totally okay. So, what to do and where to go from here? I don't think there is any single answer, but maybe do some more self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-love work. Try to investigate your true feelings, your authentic desires, and try to imagine 'who you would be' if there wasn't any social stigma or personal hatred surrounding the decision. When I was first coming out to myself, I began to see how much internalized homophobia I had inside. I grew up in a very liberal and LGBT friendly area, and I truly loved people of whatever sexuality; however, the moment it applied to me, it felt WRONG and PERVERTED and GROSS and BAD BAD BAD. The process of accepting and eventually loving yourself takes time, so be gentle and compassionate. You deserve to love and be loved, especially by yourself. I hope this helps in some way. Best wishes, Trevor
Thank you so much trevor I really appreciate your response and after taking time to consider some of your ideas about self love and acceptance and freedom from social stigma I've come to notice that I would probably have sex with a few guys but ultimately I would end up with an amazing girl. I really feel ya with the whole when I thought I was straight my sights were set on dudes but now that I know that it was mostly because I thought I was straight.
Yes I totally understand this. I always found guys attractive and was quite happy with the idea of being with one until some of my homophobic feelings were broken down and I finally fell for a girl. Since I decided I am in fact attracted to girls, my feelings for guys have seemed to weirdly wane. Similarly to Trevor, I used to have that sense of attraction to almost all "attractive" guys but with girls it's way more picky but stronger... I don't feel like I couldn't enjoy sex with a guy, I think there is a strong sexual feeling there (like when you say "shirtless men stir something inside"), but my interest is so low that I can't quite bring myself to care. I fantasise about women, I crush on women and I absolutely admire lgbt women hugely as you said and get sappy about lesbian couples. And I just feel my small crushes on boys were so irrelevant when compared to the almost physical pull I feel towards recent female crushes. I am not entirely adverse to being with a man, just I'm never really thinking about it. Yeah, anyway, I think we're in a similar state of mind here. I don't think there's any reason not to call yourself bi at this point if you want to. You don't have to be 50/50 and your attractions can change intensity and you can still be bisexual. That's why I'm happy to call myself bisexual because I can remind myself when I'm doubting stuff that I can change my perspective on the label, rather than the label itself, which cuts the questioning somewhat short. Sometimes I feel that I would quite happily just call myself a lesbian but since I can't deny some attraction to men, I wouldn't have a problem with having sex with a guy and I would like to remain open to falling for a guy... though I can't see it happening in the mindspace I'm in right now. So yeah, I feel like you, I will probably have flings with guys and end up in proper relationships with women. That's a perfectly fine way to be a bisexual.
