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How to interpret my mom's reaction to me coming out to her

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by CPUNerdGirl, Jan 28, 2016.

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  1. CPUNerdGirl

    CPUNerdGirl
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hi everyone,

    I guess I've been pretty stressed out lately, and it makes my brain act strange. Anyway, somehow I started thinking about my mom's reaction to when I came out to her last year through email (because it was impossible not to cry).

    She first told me I was confused, which infuriated me, so I felt pressured to tell her things I didn't want to tell her. I think she accepted it then, and then told me she still loves me, but that I shouldn't tell anyone anymore (I think I told her that I came out to a few friends, after she asked who else knew). Her reasoning was that I wouldn't want to lose my female friends, and straight people don't talk about how they're straight. (Yes, there is a lot wrong with that logic, I know.)

    Since I'm in school, I don't see her very often, but when I do, this topic is never brought up. Frankly, I don't feel comfortable discussing my emotions with her because she was always very nosy, and I learned it was best to keep everything from her.

    It's very confusing for me to hear her say she still loves me, but that I should keep this to myself. I would think if she were happy or proud, she would say so, or be glad that I've come to accept myself (the way a friend of mine reacted). She always used to say she wouldn't care if I were gay (many years ago), but now that she knows her daughter is, I feel like that was never true. It's also very painful knowing that the beautiful feelings I've had towards women in the past are things my mom seems to not like, and she would prefer if I were only with men, even though I have never loved a man the way I've loved women.

    (I'm feeling sorry for myself but have no one to talk to about it at the moment.)
     
    #1 CPUNerdGirl, Jan 28, 2016
  2. omgwhatishappen

    omgwhatishappen
    Regular Member

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    Hey CPUNerdGirl,

    Thanks so much for sharing this with us. This forum is definitely a great place to be vulnerable, let things out, and start a discussion - especially when you can't talk with anyone else.

    Yeah...... I don't know how else to put it, but there is a bit of difference of a contradiction in your mom's word. Telling you that it would be fine if you were gay and that she loves you is totally awesome, but then to follow that with a strict set of demeaning instructions is a problem.

    Giving your mom the benefit of the doubt: maybe she is just trying to protect you in the only way she knows how? Maybe she thinks that this type of information being publicized would hurt you, and that she just wants to see her daughter not go through any form of pain.

    However - it would appear that your mom isn't actually fully comfortable with your sexuality. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you any less, but it does mean that SHE has a problem. In other words, I believe your mom is worried about how other people will think of HER, or how this fact being public would impact her, or she is in some other manner in fear about how this might impact her.

    It could also be that your mother is dealing with some otherwise unacknowledged and/or unknown homophobia. I know that when I was coming out to MYSELF, I began to feel a variety of different emotions/thought/feelings that I never know I had. In other words, I had always been fine with gay people, but the moment it applied to me, I FREAKED OUT. I hated myself for a bit and thought I was wrong.

    I don't know how long its been since you told your mom, but this 'issue' may go away, as your mom takes the time to work through her emotions. That would be my hope at least. You do not need to share anything with your mom that makes you feel uncomfortable, especially if she is contradicting herself and/or not being truly supportive and loving.

    This may be the right time to practice some love and compassion for your mom. I know its not easy, but hopefully she is doing what she thinks is best for you; hopefully she loves you as much as she says; hopefully she will be as happy and joyous about this as you are. Give her time. In the meantime, love her as much as possible :slight_smile:

    I hope this helps.

    xoxo,
    Trevor
     
    #2 omgwhatishappen, Jan 28, 2016
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