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Guilt

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by MelodyPond91, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. MelodyPond91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Female
    So, I've been questioning for a while now (since I graduated college in December.) I am struggling because I keep holding on to my old guy crushes, including one that I currently have. I know I have been emotionally attracted to men before but I'm noticing, since I started accepting that I was attracted to women, that I notice women more than I do men and I have an immediate response to them different than what I think when I see men.
    However, in the real world I don't know that I've ever met a woman I wanted to be with or was actually attracted to when I hung out with them. I have always had very close friendships with women but I was never really hurt by them if they ended, nor did they stir any sexual feelings for me.
    But I've always kind of questioned my sexuality but pushed it aside because many of the women I was "fixated" on I had never thought of sexually. I just always wanted to BE them.
    At the moment, however, when I masterbate to men, I'm intensely turned on, and sometimes I don't feel guilt afterward. And I am far more turned on by men, but I always end up coming out of it and thinking "I'm so gay and I'm lying to myself" even though it isn't associated with anything or any fantasies.
    People always said that what you fantasize about is a great determiner of your sexuality and I've always fantasized about men but...I don't know. It feels great while its happening, but not so much afterward.
    And now that I've started thinking about this more I've been able to envision myself with these characters. They've just popped into my head. I don't know whether I've been aroused by these thoughts, I don't think they have, but I just it makes me feel sad.
    Anybody have these thoughts?
    Mels