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Forcing myself to talk about boys

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by sabrinaa, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. sabrinaa

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    I need some advice. Anyone ever feel this way? I'm really struggling with my own thoughts here.

    Background:
    I thought I was totally straight for most of my life. Quite a few times growing up I thought maybe not, but quickly made excuses as to why however I was feeling was a perfectly normal way for straight people to feel. Anyway I have been accepting the fact that I am not straight these past 2-3 years.


    My struggle is that I feel strange talking about boys to people now. It feels really fake to me when before It did not. I find myself talking about boys to people just for show now. It's like I want to make sure I mention a boy I like just so nobody gets suspicious about my sexual orientation. I feel such an urge to talk about women though, but I can't. It's like the most terrifying thing to me. I wish I could go back to when I thought I was straight so this boy talk would feel normal.

    I am kind of scared. I was feeling like I was bisexual because I did like boys, I really did! but I have also never had a boyfriend because I have never met one I liked enough to even date and I am 25, you'd think I'd find at least someone I was just a little bit comfortable with by now. I am afraid that I might just be completely lesbian now. But I also think, what if these thoughts are fake too? I have never been with a woman either.

    I'm really scared and stuck and I have no one to talk to. It's like I REALLY want to say how I am feeling to someone, but I can't. If I tell anyone I am not sure about my sexuality, I fear that I can never take it back.

    It's almost as if I am just waiting for this to pass and feel like I am straight again, the way it used to be. I fear that it will never be like that again and my life is changed forever. I would not mind being gay, it's fine. I just never imagined myself to be gay and now I think I might be and it is just so different. I can't wrap my head around the fact I was lying to myself most of my life and did not even know it. In the back of my mind I still feel like my brain will change and things will go back to the way they were so I should not tell anyone because it might pass. But I know that is so dumb, i'm fully aware of what is happening, I am just scared.
     
  2. guitar

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    I've been in a very similar situation to yours, and right around the age of 25 or so. I was incredibly confused about my sexuality, had been seen as (and viewed myself as) straight. I wondered for a long time "what if I tell people I'm gay and it turns out I'm not?"

    As far as telling people what you are, just say you're questioning. I know it sounds weird. I was stuck. All I could think was "I'm 25, and I can't figure out who the hell I'm attracted to by now?" but many of us don't. We grow up in a world that sets the default to straight and most of us just go along with it. If your sexuality isn't 100% dead set on only being attracted to same sex, many of us take a long time to figure it out, because we have that little spark of interest that gets us into the opposite sex.

    Now, I'm not saying you are a lesbian. You could be straight but just have a hard time relating to men. Honestly, I figure I was gay or at least leaned toward guys and was bi, but it was only when I tried kissing (and other things) with guys that I knew for certain I was gay. It very well could take that with you as well.

    This may be something that takes you a few months or even years to really work through to have a better understanding of your sexuality. For people who are anywhere between 10-90% gay, it confuses the hell out of us because we want answers. We want to know what we are and who we're attracted to, and our relationships with men and women run at all kinds of different levels.

    If you want to talk more, feel free to write me on my wall. Make sure to take a look around the forum, especially in this area because a LOT of people have struggled with the same (or similar) thing you are right now. (*hug*)
     
  3. SHACH

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    I relate. I've felt really into guys in the past but since I've accepted attraction to girls, that's all I seem to care about (although the idea of sex with guys still seems attractive I just don't feel the need for it... I don't really want a boyfriend when I could have a girlfriend) and I'm always afraid either side is/was fake. And yeah, when my friends talk about boys and such I just feel like I have nothing to say... or sort of like I have to dig up stuff I was thinking about boys in the past to respond with, and meanwhile I'm just thinking about girls and not feeling like I can talk about it.

    I've also not had a boyfriend (or a girlfriend) but I'm 17, so that's not really a big concern for me as it might be for you at 25.

    I also understand what you mean about not minding being gay, just feeling like that's such a weird change and not quite you. I just like to think of it that, bisexual doesn't have to 50/50, so no matter what weird combinations of feelings I'm having that label can fit me. If in the future I decided I really only wanted to date girls, I might call myself a lesbian. Though you have to realise, there's a difference between sexual orientation and sexual behaviour.... Unlike you though, I really hope I don't turn out straight because I want to be with girls so badly haha.
     
  4. sabrinaa

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    Thanks, that was really helpful advice. Yeah, the "default to be straight" is really what is getting to me. People assume I like guys and only guys my entire life and I am over here biting my tong to not just blurt out that I like girls too. Possibly more, possibly less? I don't know? but I like girls. And it's hard because I don't want anyone to know, but at the same time I want everyone to know so they would just stop talking to me about boys all the time. My best friend tried to set me up with a guy recently and I caught myself thinking "you could also set me up with a girl" but I can't say it out loud. It is just so strange to think there was a time when I felt straight, before I accepted my feelings for women and now I just don't feel straight at all and it really messes with my head.

    In time I guess. It's just going to take time. Thanks for your input.
     
  5. Anonymous777

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    Sabrinna,

    Not sure if you will see this being it is so long ago you posted. But if you do great! I was just wondering how you are doing now? I have a similar situation myself with guys. As of now I too feel like I am waiting for this to pass so I can go back to living a straight life...