I'm a 33yo guy, feeling too lonely due to my orientation. I'm not out to family-since they're extremely homophobic. I'm physically attracted to males, mostly, while emotionally to females, primarily. I have scarce sexual experience with women, but I can't help hoping I'll find the right girl to get married. (Two years ago, I guess I found the one but I was such a fool to walk away from her.) Now I'm feeling less desire to have sex even with men, which makes me think I'm becoming asexual, all adding up to anxiety. What should l do? Thanks
Hi. First off, what you're experiencing is quite normal given your circumstances. And the anxiety is likely driven at least in part by self-hatred coming from internalized homophobia as a result of your family's judgment against homosexuality. The anxiety itself has, as one of its side effects, a decrease in sexual attraction and arousal. Additionally, asexuality, if we're using the widely accepted definition, is a hardwired trait in the same way that homo and heterosexuality are, so it is highly unlikely you are asexual and far more likely that the decrease in arousal and attraction is a byproduct of the anxiety. That, in turn, is going to make it difficult to sort out your sexual orientation until you're able to address the anxiety. My first suggestion would be to find a therapist with experience with coming out issues. Talking to someone and working through the self-hate and self-esteem issues imposed by your family's values will be a huge step in the right direction. You might also want to check out Brené Brown's TED talks (Power of Vulnerability, Listening to Shame, and Price of Invulnerability). Her work is extraordinary in helping people to understand how their own self-esteem and shame issues get in the way of being able to experience love and connection. And... continuing to talk about your feelings and what's going on here is also an excellent place to start.
Hey, thanks for the feedback. It is difficult to find a therapist where I live. On top of all that, my family is too pushy to see me married just like my older siblings. I want to, too, but I'm scared I won't be man enough to her, physically/sexually. I live alone and I'm independent but my loniliness is killing me...
Simple straightforward question! Do you feel or have you felt any physical reaction to women through the roughly 20 years of your life after puberty? Second were you a feminine child growing up? Did you get ragged for it? Were you told by your family that you should be more masculine?
I have felt physically attracted to 3-4 of them but I tend to lose interest in this regard. Being a macho doesn't necessarily make you like females only, I guess but to answer your question: yes, I was less masculine in my teens and early 20s, compared to my two older "too macho" brothers...And surely some people were generally critical of me not acting/walking in a macho fashion...All this I believe because where I grew up even women were/behaved like men, generally speaking...
The first question was obviously to determine your sexuality orientation! Probably you are homoflexible ! The second question was to find out why you describe that you don't feel "man" enough to her! So since you said you live in a very conservative society , growing up you tend to internalize a lot of thoughts which aren't necessarily true! These begin to manifest while you have internalized homophobia! You saying you don't feel man enough for her is probably rooted in a similar origin! It's actually two fold! First that's probably how you are identifying your lack of sexual attraction for woman and second it shows a very conservative thought that a man has to be more masculine than a woman ! Now that also means that you probably have various other such conservative thoughts internalized! Your lack of emotional connect to men could also have an origin there ! There are some amazing YouTube videos and ebooks which help you to overcome internalization! My advice would be to overcome it before you make conclusions as to what you want in life! Furthermore, it probably seems feasible to get married to a woman whom you are kinda attracted to ! But be sure its strong enough to keep you through your next 30+ years of married life ! Don't let these internalized thoughts cloud your decision!
Fighter694, thanks a lot for the thoughtful and considerate response. When I said "not man enough", I meant me being able to perform and maintain interest in the long run, rather than me feeling like/wishing to be a woman. I've fallen for several girls over the years but they would generally leave, sensing my hesitation to get physical with them right away. Anyway, you're right about me having a couple of thing to sort out with myself, before seeking a relationship with a woman.
Do you really want to get marry/relationship with woman or you "want" to do it because of peer/family pressure?
I've always lacked the physical attraction to women, but early on I did not realize this. I honestly thought that I was attracted to women, but not the same way I am towards guys. Therefore, I am homoflexible but am out and proud as gay because relationship wise I only want a man in my life not a woman.
Aof..it's both..I'm craving to have kids, a proper family in the traditional sense of the term..On the other hand, I don't like to be in a gay relationship or such a lifestyle. I apologize if l sound judgmental, but I don't intend to, since everyone is free to choose what is best for them. Jax12..thanks for your input
Yes, I have been with men for about 7 years now, and I must I feel comfortably with them physically /sexually. Right now, l feel curious about a new female colleague at my workplace but I'm afraid to drop any hints to her.I feel insecure though I want to..
