Back in July 2016, I started to question my sexuality. I was 16, and I am now 17. It wasn't a normal passing thought. I started to obsess over it. I started taking quizzes to see what my sexuality is. I got straight most of the time. This wasn't good enough for me. I then started to look at penises and check myself to see if I got aroused. I do the same thing with gay porn. I never got a boner, but some results weren't good enough, so I would check again. I find some guys good looking, when I never focused on it when I was younger. In school, I accidentally touched a guys butt, and thought it felt nice. I browsed the web about it, then came across a gay forum talking about Nick Jonas' butt. I looked it up, and now I've been staring at guys butts to see if I find them attractive. Sometimes, I do because they're plump, but I never got an erection. I now check to see if I have crushes on guys that I think are good looking or nice, whathaveyou. I have fantasized about sex with one guy (he has a girly butt). I would check myself to see if I was aroused to any degree. I now thought I liked another guy that I previously thought I had a crush on. I looked at him, and felt my heart to see if it was beating fast (it wasn't - I thought of him last night, as well as a few other guys, but my heart rate was normal). I don't get butterflies, and I don't really blush (it was cooking class today so it was a little hot in the room). I also took an HOCD test, and the results said I have a high chance of having it. I don't get aroused from penises or gay porn like 95% of the time, but if my penis isn't the shortest length it could be, I see myself as aroused. I only want a gf/wife, not a bf/husband, but my mind says I do. My body/other mind says no. Before, it didn't feel right, but my mind says it does feel right, then I argue with myself. If I was bi/gay, wouldn't I have pleasant thoughts? But what if these are pleasant and I am just mixing things up? I'm lost, and I feel sad. I haven't told my family about this (my dad is very homophobic). I don't want to be bi/gay, but now I say I want to. If I want to, why would I still say no? Is my mind tricking me, or am I tricking myself? I have 3 gay friends, and one bi friend. They are amazing. I don't want to be like them though. I don't want to be attracted to guys. It doesn't feel right. But what feels right in my head right now?
Sorry, I meant July of 2015***. My mistake. It wasn't meant to be a joke or anything. I also get turned on by vaginas and straight porn.
Hi and welcome. First, I don't hear anything in what you've described above that would remotely indicate any attraction to guys. Second, it's important to understand that what you're likely experiencing is an anxiety-spectrum problem. There is no standalone condition called HOCD, any more than there's "locking locks OCD" or "washing hands OCD". There is only OCD and the related Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is related but different. My suggestion is that you talk to your parents and arrange to see a therapist. Depending on the severity of the symptoms, the condition can be addressed with therapy, which in the long term will help to rewire the neural pathways creating the anxiety. There are also drugs that can be used to tread OCD, but in general, these primarily deal with the symptoms rather than actually solving the problem in the long term. I think the important takeaway here is that what you're experiencing is an anxiety. You aren't crazy, nothing you've described makes you sound gay. You simply have a dysfunction going on that's creating an uncomfortable anxiety that you need some help with.
Thank you. I might reach out for therapy or whatever. Right now, I am wondering if I like a guy. I have thought about it before, shrugged it off, and then wondered if I like another guy. But I still wonder if I have a crush on him. It's multiple guys, but it switches a lot so it's not just about one guy. I'm stuck at the same guy though (I don't think it's the one I described above). He is actually my only friend in the only class we have together. He's goofy like me, and he's an attractive guy. (He has a decent butt too - lol this is why I worry about this - it's more about the shape for me than the sexual stuff, but I have fantasized about sex with him and check myself). I am fine speaking to him, and when I think of him I don't get the feelings people say they do. People on here have said they want to kiss/hold their same sex crush, but I don't know if I want to do that. I met him this year, and even if I've known him for years, I would be weirded out by intentional contact. It just doesn't feel right. I don't think is love. One guy I know puts his arm around me, and it doesn't feel okay - he kinda chokes me though. When I think about that physical contact, I see if I blush, get butterflies, or have a rapid heartbeat. I don't think I do, but I will have to check later. A girl hugged me in 8th grade, and I got all blushy and sweaty. Those were real feelings, but I don't think I feel the same thing when thinking about a guy. I don't know, though. Thanks for being patient with me . Also, I am sorry these are so long. I still don't know how to format this stuff into paragraphs.
