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Convinced I am gay or OCD?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Eric Dave, Feb 2, 2016.

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  1. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I've been on these boards before. I'll quickly tell my story again:

    I think I have been straight all my life until age 25. I grew up maturbating about girls (never guys) and watched soft porn on tv (this was before the internet) and always got highly turned on by girls. If there was a guy in it I never looked at him and was focused on the girls body and dying to be fucking her myself and imagining what it would feel like.

    age 12 I switched schools and the kids were from a working class background. I was new and for whatever reason I was called gay and queer for a year straight. Maybe they could see something? I had no interest in boys or girls back then. Age 14 I started to notice girls and became curious and horny for them. I masturbated about female teachers, and pics of lingerie models. I loved it. I was a shy kid and didnt socialise until I left high school. I hadnt kissed a girl yet even though I had kissed a girl age 12 before I was interested in sex bcause the girls were older and wanting to experiment. I wasnt turned on at the time.


    Anyway age 19 I fell badly ill with mononucleosis (I kissed a girl and contracted it but the kiss was disappointing). My erections changed somehow. I stillw as horny but when I went to masturbate the erections had lost some rigidity and no longer stayed up on their own. I assumed it was because I was sick. I could still ejaculate as normal but it was from a softer erection.

    After 6 yrs of this. I started to question if I was gay. I was 25. I tried to masturbate about a guy to test and found it gave me a adrenaline kick and my erections improved but still couldnt get the erections of my youth. Ever since then I have been worried and obsessed that I am gay.

    The fact that I could get aroused to a guy is proof in my mind. Since May 2007 I have been thinking about this 24/7.

    I was in state of despair and wanted to die. I didnt want to be gay. I analysed everthing. I looked deeply into my past. I took a magnifying glass to everything that could point to me being gay. I was convinced.

    Then my mother came across an article about hocd and showed it to me. I fit a lot of the signs. I had always been a worrier and had obsessed abou things in the past. I am a hypochondriac and for 2 yrs before the gay fear I was convinced I was dying from ALS.

    I decided to suffer on onmy own. I tested my reactions to thughts of men and women over and over. I remember I was in college studying for exams. I couldnt concentrate. I was worried and so pictured in my mind having sex with men. No erection. Pictured having sex with women. I got aroused (not rock hard but erection). I did this over and over for years when I was worried. It made me feel better until I doubted again

    So far sounds striaght enough but it changes.

    After 2 years worrying I went to see Dr. Phillipson the OCD guy. He said he was also a sex therapist. He said I had ocd and was straight.

    I believed him but the doutbs came back quick and I no longer believed him. I had therapy for a year. It helped a bit but I still questioned myself 24/7.

    There are I believe things in my past that point to me being gay:

    1.When I was 4 I started school and cried all day because my best frined (a boy) wasnt in my class.

    2. I didnt have the same interest in girls as boys in my school from age 12 onwards.

    3. I was bullied and called gay and maybe this impeded my natural development?



    There are also reasons to point to me being straight:

    1. Had a sort of sexual dream about a girl when I was 5.
    2. Had wet dreams about girls only as a teen.
    3. Masturbated and thought only of girls all my life until this age 25. Im 34 now.





    Lately I have found my reactions changing. Now when I picture girls in my head I struggle to feel anything. When I think of guys I feel a tingle.

    I used to love straight porn and found it arousing. Now its boring. I checked regularly with gay porn since I started fearing I was gay and found it disgusting and boring and couldnt get hard even pulling myself. However lately I can get off to it but its not amazing. Also I read coming out stories to see if I relate. One time I read how a guy was wrestling with a guy and they ended up fucking. I felt some arousal to this (not an erection but tingling).

    Today I decided to google gay erotic stories and found the descriptions made me aroused. I dont get an erection but can get it up using my hand. Again my erections are never like they were and the same as I get for women.

    So since I got aroused I have to be gay right? But when I look up pics of naked men or gay porn I dont get aroused and even pulling myself find it very hard to get going. I can finish but I neeed to use my imagination alot and vigourously pull myself off.


    I have been banned from ocd forums for constantly posting about this problem. I am absolutely convinced I am gay but never want to get with a guy ever.

    I keep trying to be ok with it. I look u gay porn and tel myself ok come on lets be gay and get this fear over with. But the fear always returns. I think about this 24/7.


    Before this fear started I never looked at a guy or felt arousal to topless guys. Now I feel a tingle or jolt when I see one now and feel very anxious and start to examine my past again. I have self reflected to infinity for 9 years now. I have teste my arousals to gay and straight stuff. Im so confused.

    I want to feel horny for girls like I did. I cant even go to the gym now without coming out feeling like shit. I see a guy and think I feeel attracted and start to feel anxious. I see hot girls and feel nothing now.

    I avoid going to the pool because there are guys there in their speedos that make me feel anxious. I think I am attracted and so dont want to go there and be scared.

    I am rambling here but I am convinced I am gay and want to die. I dont know if this is all one big trick of the mind or real. It feels real anyway.

    I keep telling myself I'm gay over and over but I cant just let it be. I still end up worried and obsessing and wanting to go back to liking girls like I remember.

    I still find girls beautiful but the lust seems to be gone. I still want to have sex with them. Lately I have noticed when I french kiss girls I no longer feel aroused much at all. I used to before.

    I tell my parents over and over everyday Im gay. The anxiety makes me want to offload my fears onto people. My mother thinks I'm nuts. She doesnt really believe me but she could be in denial.

    Agh I amn't making any sense here. If you want to know more I will answer questions.

    I think I'm gay and need to get over it. But I cant seem to get over it.

    P.S. I have never kissed a guy and dont want to but fear that my body wants to.
     
    #1 Eric Dave, Feb 2, 2016
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    I posted a response to a situation very similar to yours on another thread yesterday. I've edited it to fit your situation:

    First, I don't hear anything in what you've described above that would remotely indicate any attraction to guys. Lots of 4 year olds feel a close bond to friends of the same sex; this isn't sexual, nor is it predictive of later same-sex attraction.

    As for the porn... it is easily possible, especially when you have an anxiety disorder (as it sounds like you might) to get habituated to one type of porn (i.e, hetero porn) so that it no longer provides arousal. New porn, even of a different genre (gay, bondage, harsh/abusive, etc) will temporarily provide heightened arousal simply because it is novel and stimulating new brain pathways. Again, it doesn't indicate that you're gay.

    Second, it's important to understand that what you're likely experiencing is an anxiety-spectrum problem. There is no standalone condition called HOCD, any more than there's "locking locks OCD" or "washing hands OCD". There is only OCD and the related Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, which is related but different.

    It seems very clear to me that there's some very strong anxiety that is probably biological in origin (an imbalance in the neurotransmitter pathways involved in self-soothing and fight/flight) going on here, which is why you can't simply be convinced that you're straight. That's where the obsessive thoughts are coming from and why you can't turn them off.

    Given the severity of the symptoms, you might need to be medicated at least in the short therm. It may be possible for the condition to be (eventually) addressed with therapy, which in the long term will help to rewire the neural pathways creating the anxiety. Drugs used to tread OCD primarily deal with the symptoms rather than actually solving the problem in the long term, but in your case, it sounds like the obsessions and the related anxiety are pretty significantly impacting your quality of life.

    I think the important takeaway here is that what you're experiencing is an anxiety. You aren't crazy, nothing you've described makes you sound gay. You simply have a dysfunction going on that's creating an uncomfortable anxiety that you need some help with.
     
    #2 Chip, Feb 2, 2016
  3. Eric Dave

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    Hi Chip, but there are millions of things I think which indicate I'm gay. I have the gay finger ratio which I cant get out of my head. If its true it means I was born gay. I google image gay celebrities hands to see if they have it.

    Everytime I see any decent looking guy now I feel like I am aroused by him even though I know I dont want to have any sort of sexual relationship with him. I get a feeling in my groin. Its like an anxiety arousal and I feel something in my groin.

    I know I have some sort of erection problems (which seem to also happen when I check with gay porn to test). I dont get fully hard and so my orgasms dont feel nearly as nice as they used to as a teen. When I have kissed girls or had sex with them I havent experienced fireworks that people talk about. I had a dream last night and in it I kissed a guy and felt some intensity like fireworks people talk about. I'm worried that if I had sex with a guy I would find it way better than with girls.

    Also I have so many theories that maybe I was only horny for women because I was full of hormones and that now my true sexuality is coming to the fore. I know you said you had something similar.

    Or maybe I am just obsessing about the truth that I'm gay?

    I am confused because there are things that make me think it might be ocd. I never allow myself to believe its ocd though. It just feels like I'm lying to myself. My mother is a bit neurotic and anxiety prone. My brother has some issues that he doesnt like anyone touching his hands.

    I keep trying to conquer my fear by trying to embrace being gay and watch gay porn and try to get off to it. But the fear always comes back. I will watch tv alone and see a guy take his shirt off and feel this horrible anxiety arousal feeling in my groin and I start to get anxious again. I then feel the need to tell my mother for the millionth time Im gay to try to get rid of the feeling eating me.

    I fear I'm in complete denial.
     
    #3 Eric Dave, Feb 2, 2016
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    The finger ratio and all of the other so-called attributes are bullshit. They aren't reliable indicators. On the other hand, googling all that crap is a pretty clear sign of an anxiety spectrum disorder.

    And above, you indicated that the anxiety was more about the fear of arousal than actual arousal.

    I can't tell you what you are. Only you can do that. But I feel confident in saying your concerns are anxiety-related, not because you're actually gay.

    You need therapy and likely medication. Now.
     
    #4 Chip, Feb 2, 2016
  5. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I'm feeling anxious again. I saw a girl on facebook that I know is sexy but didnt feel attracted/aroused. Then a guy pops up on tv just now and I get this INSTANT feelign down there like a slight swelling in my perineum (but no erection or semi etc..). I'm scared this means Im gay.

    Also the finger ratio thing seems to be backed up by alot of scientific research :frowning2:
     
    #5 Eric Dave, Feb 2, 2016
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    Again,

    Nobody at EC is going to be able to help you because no matter what we say, you're going to find reasons to refute it.

    Please see a therapist. The anxiety you're having is clearly affecting your life in a negative way, and repeatedly posting about it here isn't going to be able to help you. Most likely, you need medication to get the worst of it under control, and then good therapy to help you deal with the cognitive issues.
     
    #6 Chip, Feb 2, 2016
  7. lovelovelove

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    Dude,

    I experienced everything you describe. It's a real bitch. I am still not 100% sure of my sexuality, but I managed to come out of the incessant mind battles with anxiety over the issue. That shit sucks so much of your mental energy.

    First things first - start by helping your brain and body. Here are some all natural supplements that worked to get me back on track.

    Brain supplements:
    - 5HTP (Increases serotonin, making you happier)
    - Innositol (Helps with obsessive mind chatter)

    Sex supplements (give you back your sexual energy):
    - Horny Goat Weed
    - Pine Pollen
    - Korean Red Ginseng
    - Ginko Biloba
    - Maca

    EXERCISE and eat healthy! This is really important.

    Secondly, you need to start accepting yourself and loving yourself. So what if you might or might not be attracted to a dude. You can think someone is attractive without the having desire to fuck them.

    It's rare that anyone is 100% gay or straight. Lot's of people fall somewhere in-between. It's all a spectrum and sometimes it's even fluid. You have to let go of the need to be 100% certain - that's what's driving you crazy.

    Maybe you are 100% straight, but don't stress yourself out trying to prove it. Accept that you're maybe 10% gay if you have to. That doesn't mean you have to forget about your attraction to women.

    You don't need to be attracted to every woman you see and you don't need to be repulsed by every man you see.

    I think some guys are attractive, but I don't want to fuck them. I enjoy having sex with women, so I'm going to keep doing that. I'm not sure what that makes me, but who cares.

    Lastly, stop coming to these sites!!! It's like the person who keeps checking to see if the door's locked. You're only feeding the anxiety.

    Let this be the last post you read until you're able to stay anxiety free. I got through it and you can too. It would probably be useful to find a LGBT friendly therapist. It's not easy and it takes a while to rewire your brain to stop obsessing 24/7.

    Sending love love love. You got this man!
     
    #7 lovelovelove, Feb 3, 2016
  8. Eric Dave

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    Hi. I will try some of that. I just had another spike of anxiety. I flicked on a tv station and they were advertizing a film and they showed a quick scene on a topless guy and I felt this INSTANT arousal feeling down there. Like a jolt of sexual energy. Now I feel I'm definitely gay and am feeling anxiety. :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 3rd Feb 2016 at 10:12 AM ----------

    It wasn't an erection but sort of a mind groin connection that kickstarts the erction process type feeling. It's scary when it happens and now I can't stop thinking about it and worrying. I just dont understand why my body is reacting :frowning2:
     
    #8 Eric Dave, Feb 3, 2016
  9. Euler

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    Dude, you should listen to Chip. Your problem is not your sexuality but your anxiety and compulsive thoughts. We don't know are you gay or not, probably not. In either case you need to address your anxiety before you can address anything else, including your sexuality.

    About the finger ratio, I have read that study. The correlation between the ratio and sexuality is there but it is weak. This means that there are a lot of people who have the "gay" finger ration who are not gay and a lot of people with "straight" finger ratio who are gay.
     
    #9 Euler, Feb 3, 2016
  10. Eric Dave

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    Ok. It's just I have had therapy before but didnt find it very effective. I just dont see how I am different to all the other people who are gay but dont want to be. I cant get my sexual orientation out of my mind for basically 10 years now. I think about it during work or hobbies. Its intrusive. I cant get my mind off it for long. Something always triggers off the worrying and doubting again. I keep thinking if I just accept being gay would all this worry disappear? I have heard that might make me more confused. I dont want to get with men at least at a conscious level or choice level but I fear my body would like it even if its against my wishes. I dunno I feel convinced I'm gay.

    I keep trying to accept being gay and feel calm for a while but then panic sets in and I know I dot want to be but does that matter??

    Im so confused. I had fears of cancer and ALS and AIDS before and was obsessed about them for periods of time but had tests and was able to put it behind me but with this I cant seem to move on from it. IS it because its real?

    I dont know if accepting being gay is the right thing to do or a compulsion to relieve the anxiety.
     
    #10 Eric Dave, Feb 3, 2016
  11. Chip

    Chip
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    For the 100000000th time...

    You. Need. A. Therapist.

    You need a therapist with a specialty in treating people with OCD. If you're going to a generalist therapist who doesn't see a lot of people with OCD, they are unlikely to be able to provide meaingful help to you, which may be why your previous therapy was unsuccessful.

    Nonethless, reposting the same thing 20 times in the same thread, and arguing with the information you are given is counterproductive and a complete waste of everyone's time.

    Also... it's irresponsible to be making recommendations for nutritional supplements for what appears to be a serious mental health issue. All of the above supplements may have value, but not for someone who's experiencing the severity of symptoms that Eric Dave is, and the last thing he needs is supplementation to increase sexual energy. Please be cautious in making recommendations when you don't have a full understanding of the issues that are going on.
     
    #11 Chip, Feb 3, 2016
  12. Euler

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    After this admission you still fail to see the pattern? You might have been able to get over the irrational fear of having AIDS or ALS because there are tests for them but there is no such thing as a gay test. Hence you are left with doubts.

    I recommend you consult a psychiatrist. They might prescribe you appropriate medication and recommend you a qualified therapist who specializes in OCD. Do this first and then later worry about being gay if you still feel that this is an issue for you. The important thing to realize is that what you are experiencing is a physical condition that needs to be addressed. Like now.
     
    #12 Euler, Feb 4, 2016
  13. Eric Dave

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    I have been jerking off to thoughts of guys last night. I have to be gay. My attractions to women has fallen dramatically. I used to see a naked chick in porn and be really horny. Now I feel bored. Also any little thing seems to make me have arousal for men now. But when it happens it also scares me and I feel like shit. E.G. Seeing a guy topless would make me feel a horrible sexual arousal in my groin. Then I will jerk off to the thought to see what it does for me. I can get off to it the same as girls. Do other gay people get terrified when they find a guy attractive? I just want this arousal to go away.

    There are a million reasons in my head that feel like proof I'm gay. I could have internalized homophobia and just obsessing about being gay while being gay and not wanting to be?

    Also I fear that seeing a therapist is a waste of time and I'm just in denial and lying to myself. I mean what straight guy is jerking to guys? How can I say I'm straight when all my arousal and libido seems to have gone for women?

    I'm trying to make myself accept I'm gay but it's difficult. I still feel fear when my groin reacts to men even though its a tingle or tightening feeling. Why wont that go away? It's been 9 years that way.

    think if I accept being gay all my fear goes away?
     
    #13 Eric Dave, Feb 4, 2016
  14. Chip

    Chip
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    For the 100000001th time...

    You. Need. A. Therapist.

    The therapist can help you sort out whether it's OCD or whether you're gay and in denial. What's going on for you is beyond what EC can provide.
     
    #14 Chip, Feb 4, 2016
  15. Eric Dave

    Eric Dave Guest

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    I was already told it was OCD by Dr.Phillipson the OCD guy but I dont believe him as the evidence seems overwhelming in my mind to me
     
    #15 Eric Dave, Feb 4, 2016
  16. Bee12

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    Hey, you might have already been told that it was OCD but from what you are telling us, there are still SO many underlying issues that you NEED to resolve for YOUR mental wellbeing. Responding to everyone saying 'yeah but this...' or 'yeah but that...' is NOT helping the problem, you're only getting yourself more and more worked up. Actually listen to us because everyone here wants you to feel better about yourself. As soon as possible, please please please go and see a therapist. It doesn't matter whether you felt it helped or not, you need to talk to someone about this because you are wasting time by carrying on posting. There is nothing that we can do for you but we can point you in the right direction...
     
    #16 Bee12, Feb 4, 2016
  17. Chip

    Chip
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    Then... Get a therapist with experience in LGBT issues to help you with that. The point being... Your needs are beyond EC's ability to help you.
     
    #17 Chip, Feb 4, 2016
  18. Pro

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    It would be really useful if you could find that OCD article you found and be more specific about your symptoms if at all possible, as this could simply be a case of your illness rather than sexual orientation.

    Thanks, and good luck.
     
    #18 Pro, Feb 4, 2016
  19. Eric Dave

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    I reckon I'm gay but what would a LBGT therapist do for me?

    What exactly do they do? I know being gay is normal. Gay marriage is legal and accepted. My parents know my fears of being gay. I just don't want to be gay and dread the day I ever get with a guy but my body seems to respond to anything. I can look at a fully clothed man and feel something. I seem to get groinal responses or arousal to things I abhorr. Or do i? I dont even know anymore.

    @Pro
    There's millions of articles on it:

    OCDOnline.com

    Inside the Fear of Being Gay - The Daily Beast

    here are two examples.

    I just cant see how I'm straight anymore. I feel defeated. I'm stuck. I dont want to be gay or get with a guy and I dont believe Im straight either.

    Everyone I have seen has told me I sound straight but I dunno. I doubt it.

    ---------- Post added 4th Feb 2016 at 11:47 AM ----------

    HOCD: Homosexual OCD & Sexual Orientation OCD | Steven J. Seay, Ph.D.
     
    #19 Eric Dave, Feb 4, 2016
  20. Euler

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    Dude, you have been told by a medical professional that you have OCD. This is a condition that requires treatment irrespective are you gay or not. Why don't you want to consult a medical professional who specializes in OCD?
     
    #20 Euler, Feb 4, 2016
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