Hey, all~ So, erm, to get straight (pun~pun~pun)to it, I've been struggling to understand my sexuality for the past few years, and I kinda feel like now I am starting to get a grip with the possibility of me being "different" I'd like to know what other people make of it all? Soooo, life story essay time, yay! When I was younger, I didn't really care about relationships at all. I can quite vividly remember being bullied for a while for kissing a guy as part of a game back in year 4 in primary school, and I guess that stuck with me for life. At the time, I didn't know anything about sexuality, so yeah. Not much else happened after until prom time in year 11. I kept avoiding relationships up till then, so here is where I get lost. I was being put under a lot of pressure, so when a friend asked me to go prom with her, I agreed. She was quite good looking, but I think the biggest thing for her was that she was genuinely kind to me. At prom, nothing much happened. Had a picture with her, stayed with her the night, but when it came to the dance, I couldn't. I didn't feel comfortable with it. I dunno if it was anxiety or what. I liked her, but I don't know if it was like that. Since then I've only really felt the same over one other girl (Friend 2?), again more because of how kind she is- she was like my best friend. Again, comfortable around her, but contact is awkward and feels off. So, guy wise, I only started noticing a few years back. Around the time I met "Friend 2" I met a guy (Er, "J", I guess?). He was kind, funny and good looking (Oh, the cliché...), and I generally liked to be around him. And I wanted to be around him whenever I could (Creepy, I know.). But stuff happened. One of my friends died in an accident, and at the same time, J got into some stuff. I got into a really bad mental state. Everyone was talking about J behind his back, and in the end, I flipped at him. After that, neither him nor the others (Bar Friend 2) would talk to me. I felt angry at him for a long time after, but I still wanted to be near him, and he was always on my mind (and I guess still is, a little). Anyway, stuff got sorted out about a year later, and all is good now. More recently another guy has caught my attention, but not to the extent of J. I guess the most important stuff it that I find guys attractive (To the extent of I see a good looking guy and think dayum, hot. Which I don't feel able to do for a woman.), and I feel more comfortable physically with them than girls. Breasts do nothing for me, and vaginas kinda creep me out compared to a penis. I fantasise about men more often, and I only watch gay porn (Though that generally indicates little...). TL;DR: I'm know that I'm not straight. My attraction to guys is a little too strong for it, so it's more am I gay or bi? I know that just looking at this as if I was another person, I would think they are definitely, without a doubt gay, but I think I just need other people to sort of agree before I really feel comfortable with talking to people in real life about it. (To be honest, I think it's more the sexual/romantic side of stuff that has me confused. I feel capable of feeling something for both men and women, but in a physical relationship, I can only imagine myself with a man. And, if that is the case, what am I?) I wanna write more, but I kinda feel like I've done too much of an essay anyway. This is the first time I've managed to get any of this off my chest, so any thoughts are really, really appreciated! (And this is my first post real post here, so sorry if I messed it up.)
