First off, I'll start by talking about my current situation. I'm 20 y/o, female, and have identified as bisexual since I knew what sexuality was. I'm 164 days sober and have been working very hard to build a new life. Lately, I've been questioning again if I even still like men (or liked them at all). Okay, so what's the big deal? Well, I'm in a relationship with a man. We've been together about six months, and in the beginning I was absolutely crazy about him. Here's the other catch -- When we got into this relationship, we agreed on a Dominant/submissive dynamic (which has since faded hardcore.) After entering into this relationship, I began to identify as a submissive, which I don't think is quite right either seeing as I only like the bedroom part and not the him telling me what to do and what to wear and who to be part. There has been a lot of turmoil in the relationship lately due to work stress and my family dysfunctions. Am I questioning again because things are hard between me and a man, or because my true lesbian identity is shining through? The last time I was questioning was about a year ago, before my recent relapse, when I had about 4 sober months and had moved to a different city and swore off men. After getting back into drugs and receiving plenty of male attention, I ended up moving back to my hometown pretty quickly and resuming the dance I've been doing with the men here for the past 8 years. THE EVIDENCE 1. The first crush I remember ever having was a girl. I didn't have boy crushes in elementary. 2. I started watching lesbian porn at age 11 and didn't look at straight porn until I was about 17. 3. My first kiss was a girl, who I was "practice kissing". I was the instigator. 4. I became obsessed with always having a boyfriend after my best friend (my first kiss) announced her crush on a boy. 5. At the age of 13, I was sexually assaulted by an older neighborhood boy. This led me to have a difficult time saying no to anyone pursuing me. 6. I had my first "real" girlfriend at age 16, and aside from the fact that we had a terrible relationship, I remember it being the best time of my life. 7. My boyfriend is always asking me to speak in fantasy to him. I have no idea what I want him to do to me, I just know I want another woman to be there (and I have plenty of fantasies involving her) 8. Most sex I've had with men has been emotionally unattached and/or under the influence. I do not enjoy continuously having sexual encounters with one man. It gets boring very quickly and I am often frustrated. 9. I only check out girls when in public. 10. I looked myself in the mirror today and said the words out loud "I am a lesbian" --- it felt amazing. Okay, so maybe I got a little carried away there, but if you can't tell, I'm betting my money on the fact that I am indeed a lesbian. But this scares me. What if I leave my boyfriend just to find myself craving men again? Do I really just like the attention men give me, and not their *ahem* parts? How long should I wait to ensure this isn't just a phase and possibly spare my boyfriend a broken heart? What will signal to me that I'm absolutely sure of my identity? How do I get myself closer to answering this question and moving past this point in my life? Have I been brainwashed and suppressed so long that I couldn't even see what was right in front of my face and accept my true identity? I'm comfortable not labeling myself for now, but having another soul at stake in this situation is making me extremely nervous and anxious to come to a solution. Any and all advice to help me get through this situation would be greatly appreciated. xoxo
