Okay so im incredibly nervous to post here but here goes(long post warning). Im a 19 year old male and since November ive been obsessing over my sexuality. I have a long term girlfriend. This obsession started at a weird time. I was taking adderral about once a week(unperscribed) to help with college. The last time i took it i had a test and walked out because i drew a complete blank. I was in a terrible mood for about a week straight. Then for some reason the thought went through my mind "what if im gay" and ive been obsessing since, every day, think about it most waking hours. i have a therapist and he says im obsessive, I asked a specialist at OCDLA and he concurred, as do the numerous people on OCD forums i post in. The main reason im concerned about being gay is that i have issues having sex with my girlfriend. Ill give a rundown on the whole situtation. It has been a hard relationship since the beginning. When we first started talking she would talk about exes alot which i didnt like but i waited a long time to say anything because i thought it was normal to do that. She also has a tendency to lose her temper and say mean things and throw tantrums. She blames me for many of her problems. However i do love her. When things are good we get along great and i feel so attracted to her and never want to take my hands off of her. Last year, she took my virginity. I was very nervous and lost my erection but was able to get it back and we had sex. I was very happy after. But the next time we tried i was worried i was going to lose it again, and i did. She got very angry, ignored me, basically said "whats wrong with you". I thought something was and this cycle perpetuated for quite some time. I felt guilty and broken. I was worried i had ED so i started taking vitamin supplements and going to the gym and it helped a little but not enough. Weve had sex less than 20 times successfully since we did it the first time. The thing is, i can do literally everything but sex. Oral(giving and receiving) is great. I love looking at her body, touching it, listening to her moan etc. I enjoy giving her oral. Every sort of psychical contact is great except for sex. I always worry about losing my erection, and often do throughout the whole time. When i dont worry and enjoy myself, i come quickly, if not it takes a long time or i dont at all until she gives me oral. I want to be able to perform, but i have sort of lost faith in myself. I have always gotten off to lesbian porn, occasionally hetero. I always noticed attractive girls in public and their features, had fantasies here and there, probably not as much as others my age. But since this started i worry that its not enough feeling and im actually gay. Another thing is i notice some guys too. Normally its if they have nicer features than me (better dressed, nicer beard, nicer hair etc). I dont think ive ever actually been attracted to a dude if that makes sense. But i have doubted this since this particular obsession started. I tried the masturbation thing that Chip recommends. I dont get erect(stays the same size or shrinks) from gay fantasies but i feel a really weird sensation. With straight fantasies i feel at ease and can at least get a semi immediately. However i worry that my drive isnt high enough. I'd love whatever input you guys have. Im just worried that im supressing something or just not recognizing things to their full extent. I came here cause i have a feeling you guys will look at it perhaps less disposed to say OCD, since its not an OCD forum.
Just something I wanna add cause I'm not sure I was clear in the original post. This isn't my only obsession. I've worried about schizophrenia, cancer, cystic fibrosis, family members dying etc. I just want to know if this seems like an obsession or the real thing(from people who have dealt with it)
Incidentally, there was an almost identical thread just a few days ago. An OCD patient was obsessed that he is gay and it was impossible to convince him that his problem is OCD and not the minuscule probability of actually being gay. There is nothing in your story that would indicate that you are gay or even bisexual. Your girl friend seems emotionally unstable and mean which is the most likely cause for your erection problems. Not being able to have an erection is common when under stress or under pressure to perform. Talk to your therapist about this obsession. I think that there is nothing we can say here that will convince you that you are not gay but I say it still. You are not gay but you have OCD that makes you obsess about being one.
Thanks for your reply. Ive seen some other posts here and honestly thats why i clarified about this not being my only obsession. I totally understand why HOCD is a sensitive topic around these parts, but i agree its not a standalone thing, rather just a shortcut way of saying "i have OCD and worry that i might be gay". Just some other stuff though. A.) is it possible to see someone is attractive, but not actually be attracted to them. Cause I wont lie there have been times where ive been able to tell just in passing. But its never been "damn that guy is hot" like it is toward girls. I dont even know what features i recognize in order to make that classification in guys, but i do in girls. B.) I have to gay people in my immediate family, an uncle(youngest of 4, three boys one girl) and my older brother(i have two older brothers) does this effect my likelihood of being gay? Ive read that in large families with more older brothers it does but is mine considered that size to where it increases the chances? I've also heard that some of my dad's cousins are, but im not sure about that. If Im asking too many questions let me know. I've veiwed may OCD type peoples' posts here and i dont want to agitate anyone like some people in my position do. I'm definitely not as strongly obsessed as i was or as high anxiety(though it does fluctuate), but hearing opinions from people who have dealt with these things first hand would put me at ease(or so i hope)
As someone who has OCD what you're talking about is more considered to be 'obsessive thoughts'. Though yes it is part of OCD, not everyone has it and OCD. They can be violent, annoying, gross, or random. I think it would be a good idea to talk about it with a therapist, as I was able to learn to let the obsessive thoughts go when they come up, and feel much more in control of myself for it. They key is to just let the thoughts happen, but therapists generally tell you ways to start that thought process. Also hate to say it but your girlfriend is being uncaring and needs to work on her empathy skills. The response should be attempting to understand and help you through whatever you're going through, not condemn you for getting nervous during sex.
Thanks for responding. But yeah that is true. I guess my compulsions(my therapist considers them compulsions, others may not agree) is basically researching what im obsessing over for hours on end, and tons of testing for arousal from gay stimuli. For example, read something that makes me feel better and then a little later, sometimes minutes, i need to do it again because im a nervous wreck. I posted alot on forums and kept asking the same questions. Similar to a poster ive seen here by the name of Eric Dave, but less combatant. My therapist has given me very good advice on handling it though. And yeah once i told her how i felt she saw what she did (i dont really blame her necessarily, her virginity was taken by pressure and she was in a pretty bad "relationship" for about two years) we've tried working on it and still are. When we stick with it i get alot more comfortable but it seems just one bad expirence will set me back into a bad mindset again. Thats a big part of the reason i worry, weve worked together and im still not better. One more thing, I feel bad because I seemed to make her out as some mean terrible person but in reality she cares(though she is immature at times). She has alot of things in herself that she need to work on but i accept that cause im in a similar position.
