Hi, I'll try to not make it that long. I'm 24 years old and ever since I was a kid I remember finding the male body attractive. I have always liked watching gay porn and masturbating to it. I started dating girls when I was 14, I also liked them and found them attractive too (I still do). During that time I thought that maybe me being "gay" was just a face. I had sex with my girlfriend everything ok. When I was around 19, I found myself not getting with girls anymore. I loved kissing girls and I was sorta having a fling with a teacher (not my teacher, but she was still a teacher and 10 years older than me), but when we had to opportunity to have sex, I just couldn't perform. I was not getting aroused by her. Then the same thing happened with other girls, so that's when I thought, "ok, I am definitely ok". Didn't do anything about it because of fear. I don't think my mom or dad would care much about it (they would definitely not be super cool about it but is not like they would hate me or kick me out or anything). Yes, by then I still lived with my parents, I'm latin, so it's in our culture not to leave home as soon as we are 18. So anyway, I kept watching gay porn, hiding my feelings, telling myself that there was no need of coming out unless I met someone worth coming out for. Now I'm living in another country, away from parents and family, so I decided that it was a good opportunity to freely experience and discover who I really am. For the first time I visited a gay cinema (I was so shaky and nervous, and a bit disgusted), not really worth mentioning right now. But then I found this Gay Sauna in my city. I thought it would be worth the try to just have contact with men. I felt that need. So I went to this place, where I didn't really know what to expect. After about an hour I finally let loose and started touching other guys and let them touch me. And it felt good. It was exciting and I don't know. I sorta liked it. Then some guys just start asking me to go to a private cabin, but then I knew that was my limit. I may have liked it, but was completely sure that the first guy I was gonna be sexually with (aside from oral sex) was not gonna be just any random guy. So I kept refusing those guys,saying no, no. Thanks but not. I kept going to the Sauna with the same idea "I'll just look for a handsome guy, kiss a bit, blow a bit and that's it". Then something else happened. I have these gay friends who always tell me how much they like dicks, and how much they like sucking. Well, after start sucking some guys who I thought where attractive, I realised I was not enjoying it, and I was actually bored, I just kept doing it because they seemed to liked it, and I didn't want to maybe "offend" them by saying "yeah I'm bored".So I just kept doing it. I realised I enjoyed kissing a lot more, and kissing actually made me hard (If the kiss was good. I once met this guy in a bar who kept kissing me and it was just awful, but I didn't tell him to stop because, he seemed pretty into it, so I just felt bad and kept kissing, until he insisted and insisted in to giving a bj, so I just left). So in the Sauna, I actually met a couple of guys who I felt it was ok to go to a cabin with, because we talked a bit and they seemed nice. So I thought, "ok what the hell". I never really about if I would like to be a bottom or a top. I think I always thought I could try both. SO the first guy I went to a cabin with, was a guy who also spoke some spanish, and I learned about his profession. So I thought, "sure, why not. let's go". In there, we were kissing and doing stuff, which I have to say, he was enjoying more than I was. I was there, with a relatively strange guy, just giving him pleasure instead of caring about me. At some point he said he wanted to f**k me, to which I said, "ok yeah, Just please know that I've never donde this before". He was cool about it. I don't know what happened, but he couldn't get it in. Then I tried to do him, but it didn't work either. We decided to just masturbate, he came but I knew I was just not gonna. So I told him, sorry, not happening for me. We left the cabin, and then (I think of myself as maybe a romantic guy? I don't know, I'm not looking for just sex. I have this gay apps and all I see is people willing to meet and have sex, and I'm just saying no, no, no) I just ask for his number and hope to meet again (which of course we never did. So I guess I dodged a bullet here). Then another time I was also with other guy, he wanted me to cum, but I just couldn't. Another day, I met this other guy who invited me to have some drinks in another place. I went with him, we talked, I had a nice time, he was really nice and treated me very well. The following weekend he asked me out again, and by the end of the night I was in his apartment. I was 23 he was 42. I don't really mind the age. I told him too, that I had never been with a guy before. So he was very gentle. Anyway, he also couldn't get it in. I guess I wasn't relaxed enough. So I just felt really bad for him, but the again, he told there was a lot more to sex than just penetration. I enjoyed kissing him we were doing some other stuff but then I lost my erection and then we just fell asleep. The following morning I was just feeling bad, so I decided to blow the guy up. He liked it. One week after that, he asked me out again. We met, and then basically the same thing again. At some point he was telling me that he loved me and wanted us to go together on a trip. Maybe I was a bitch but I never called him again. So, back to the Sauna, after the holidays and a while, and I met this other guy. He was nice. That night was somehow weird, I didn't really want anybody to touch me. But then I met this guy, he wanted to go to the cabin and I said yes (It was around the second week of January, so I was just thinking that I didn't want to be a virgin anymore, so whatever (I know, stupid me)). There again, we had problems, I guess I was just thinking something but my body was saying otherwise. My erection with him kept coming and going. So he suggested to maybe go, drink something, relax and then we could try it again. So we did. We talked, I learned his name and some other things. We decided to then go to the dark area of the sauna and not just the private room. He thought maybe having an audience would help me. SO we went, and we tried. There was nobody but I was into it. Then it hit, it wasn't ok, I don't want my first time with a guy to be in this place. So I told him that I've never done it before, and that I was sorry but it was not happening. He said it was ok and that if I could just blow him. I couldn't say no twice, so I did. We left together, we exchanged numbers and then he started to write. We met a week later, he took me to this restaurant bar, it was nice. Then I just took him to the gay bars I knew and we had fun. It was a nice night. Nothing but kissing happened that night. The stupid romantic in me was thinking, "oh nice, maybe he wants something else than just sex (although something inside me didn't see him as someone I would like to be out with". We kept talking the following week. Then I turned 24 and knew that I wanted to do it with him. He's 32. He invited me a few days ago to his apartment, so I knew what was gonna happen. I went, we were talking for a while, eating and drinking a bit. Then he asked what I wanted to do, and we just just going around it not really knowing what to do, so I just kissed and took the initiative. In the beginning I got hard. I was enjoying it, not as much as him, but still. Then I was blowing him, and started to get bored again. It was doing nothing for me. So back to kissing. I got hard again, and then me blew me. Don't know how it happened, but I lost my erection with my d*ck in his mouth. I felt really bad. So then I just knew I was not gonna be able to do him, so I told him he could do me. Maybe like that I would get it back. He asked if I was sure. So finally we did it. There I was, with a d*ck up my *ss. and not really feeling much. There was no real pain, just felt some pressure while it was going in, I'm pretty sure you know. Besides that, I was not feeling much, not that sensation of real pleasure you see in porn. I tried touching myself to get hard again but nothing. We tried different positions and then again, nothing. Finally he came, and said it was my turn. I told him "It's ok, I'm not coming. Sorry". We spent a couple of minutes just on top of each other, talking kissing. For moments my erection came back, but the went again. Then he said how much he appreciates that I don't want anything complicated, and how much he liked the uncomplicated stuff. That if I had said that I wanted a relation, he would have said, sorry but no. Didn't really know what to say then. So I left his place in the way to mine, not feeling any different at all. I'm also not very sure what I was expecting. An amazing night, to see stars, feel pain in my *ss? I don't know. But I wasn't feeling anything. I was with a guy and it wasn't as hot as I wanted it to be. I have talked with this friend of mine (straight friend) who I told that I might be gay, but that I'm not sure because I have never really been with a guy and I never can be fully with a guy (this was before this night), and he told me that maybe I'm just asexual. Now I'm thinking he might be right. But I don't wanna be, I wan to like sex, I want to enjoy it more. I don't know if maybe I should go back and try again with girls, and keep doing it with guys until finally it feels right. Or maybe all I want is just someone that I can share the time with. Someone to hold and kiss, watch a movie with and have fun. Then maybe that person will make the sex feel special. But I think, as a guy, to have sx you need something more than just feel special, with just special you can get it up. Unless I just bottom all the time and let guy have his way with me. I guess only with time I'll be able to discover what I want and who I am (am I really gay? bi? is this just a face?, I don't know), and maybe I need to stop forcing things to happen. I'm no longer sure what my initial idea by posting this was. But now that I have written down I feel a bit better. Like I have shared my feelings with someone. I guess is also way longer than I expected, but thank you so much for taking the time to read. Have a nice day.
I think you might just want a relationship, feel close to someone, you seem to always enjoy kissing... But... You seem to be looking foe relationship in the wrong places. I can relate to a lot of what you described... I think you just need to find love, then, only at that point, worry about the bedroom. The right guy will make it wonderful for you. Do you feel comfortable being a guy?
Thanks for replying. I also think that what I want is a relationship, I know I do, I just don't see myself as someone who enjoy the single life. I also know that definitely those are not the right places to meet some one, but then, where else? I go to this gay sauna in the hope that maybe I'll find someone else like me. I have this friend who also told me that, that those are not the right places, and that if I was to meet someone I would in a café, or park, whatever. I guess as you say, is about the right person who will make me feel right. But I know a big part of a relation is the bedroom. I've seen how the lack of sex can make a relationship unstable. And, it may sound stupid, but what if I meet someone, and fall in love and so does he, and then after a while we finally decide to be intimate, and eventhough I love him, I just don't get , lets put like that, horny enough. Wouldn't that be unfair with him? And to answer your question, I try to feel comfortable with a guy (you mean in public right?) I think if I really like the guy, I would feel perfectly ok being out with them. I think so far I've felt a bit weird with the 2 guys I've "dated", but maybe is because one was double my age basically and the other 9 years older. Though as I said, I don't really mind the age. I know it's weird. I'm just confused about everything.
Try joining a sports or interest club, maybe one with an LGBT aspect, in order to meet people who become friends first. I don't know much about male gay culture but it seems to me like the apps and saunas are probably not the place to start the kind of relationships you'd be comfortable with. It is perfectly normal to want to have an emotional connection with someone before sex is appealing, or before you're comfortable having sex with them. But don't avoid getting emotionally connecting 'in case' the sex doesn't work out. You've just got to try it - if you avoid people to avoid 'letting them down' you might never know what you really want and like. As long as you keep communicating, a decent guy should understand. Two things bother me - first I feel like you're not fully comfortable with being gay, and that that could be affecting how you feel in the bedroom. Secondly - you appear to feel you have an obligation to return sex acts and favours, to avoid disappointing people. Sometimes, if you're not bothered either way it's okay to do something in return. But if you are uncomfortable or really not into it, you are under absolutely no obligation to do anything. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not the kind of person you want to be with.
try to date a romantic gay. the one who can hold your hand while walking or the one who can kiss you without thinking of others thought. romance is what you want not just sex.
This post raised a lot of thoughts in my mind. The first one was about your need to please others even if you are not entirely comfortable doing it. I would say this is definitely symptomatic of your problems. Generally speaking it is not such a good idea to hook up with a person who is much older or younger than you are - especially if it's either of yours first time. Other than that I cannot say much to your sexual experiences. Some people prefer more emotional relationship as a precondition for sex while others are more willing to have sex without any attachment. However, considering your need to please others - also in other aspects of your life - I would say that the reason why you haven't found sex pleasing is more deeply rooted. Tell me, do you have other symptoms? Perhaps having difficulty with connecting to other people on emotional level? Do you generally know what you want in life? Are you able to derive genuine enjoyment from things in your life? Does it please you to please others? Also, which country are you originally from (culturally I mean)?
It sounds to me like you've definitely transferred your need to please to sex. You say your mother has similar issues. Did she expect you to be the perfect child? Or I wondered if maybe you started this 'pleasing behaviour' in order to be what she or someone else wanted? Maybe you felt you being gay would not make them happy, so you tried to make your family happy in every other way, by being too obliging, to make up for it? And now in these sexual encounters you might be feeling you are not living up to your sexual partners' expectations either, so are trying to please them. Any of this sound familiar? Say you get top marks in all subjects, but the second top mark in one subject. How do you feel about getting this lower grade in one subject? Do you walk away from that experience thinking you've succeeded over all, or does that one other grade nag you until you see the experience as a failure? This is just me speculating, I am not a therapist, I am a writer and a scientist, and have been told I'm quite good at digging into people's brains.
what do you mean symptoms? Well, I don't think I have problem connecting with people. Although I would say that the people I feel a real connection with is very limited. I don't know if this sounds ok but is like people find it easy to rely on me, and trust me, than I do on them. Right now I can only think of 2 persons I can really talk to about anything, even the situations here described. I don't really really know what I want in life actually. Sometimes I feel like I don't have an aim, that I'm just going with it. Wow, this makes me sound very depressing, but I for sure don't have depression, never had it. Has never been an issue. I like life, I like my life, I enjoy life. Some times it pleases me, sometimes I just do it because it doesn't affect me. So if I'm not losing anything, even if I'm not winning anything from it, then why not do it. Maybe I should think checking with a psychologist. Let's leave it in Latin country. South America, ---------- Post added 10th Feb 2016 at 10:46 PM ---------- hahaha, thanks your interesting. Ahm, I think she does, but I never blamed for that. But she might have some pressure on me. Although is not like that, she really does support me no matter what. Whatever I wanna do in life, whatever I wanna be, she will support me. But I think is that support that I feel I have, the reason why I have to be the best that I can. I tend to not think highly of me (I don't have self estime issues though, I truly love myself), but I guess is some degree your right. Maybe I think I'm not good enough for my "sexual partners" as you put them so I just try to do what I can to not disappoint? Huh, it makes me think. Again, I don't have depression issues or self estime, even when sometimes it sounds like I do. Regarding the grade situation, I really don't care. I mean, I try to do my best, and what comes, comes. I mean, nothing I can really do about it.
Anything else unusual in terms of behavior or feelings really. This is an example of a "symptom". And apart from these 2 friends, how would you feel if you lost one, two or all the other friends? How would that make you feel? I agree that you don't sound depressed. Was your life highly "programmed" by others, say your mom? By this I mean that your family or friends have told you what to do instead of you deciding what you want? Did you get thanks or praise from your family only or mostly when you achieved something? If you are a student in a university, there is bound to be a psychologist you could talk to there. I think it would be a good idea. What was the role of religion in your upbringing?
I have no experience at all with any of this, but I just like getting to know someone's stories and I try to understand it and put myself in the person's position. Maybe you're expecting too much of this and the fact that you're always trying to please the other person puts a lot of pressure in your mind. So, high expectations combined with feeling like you NEED to please the other person is making you put yourself aside. You said you're constantly trying to find someone to do it at saunas and other places, but honestly, are you doing it because you want to do it or just because you feel like you should do it? You seem like the romantic type, you said it yourself, you think you want to find someone to connect in a deeper level than just sex, but yet you fear that if you're not going to be able to "perform", it will make the relationship unstable. Seems like you're trying just to do it because you think that, by now, you should have already done it and you should have liked it. And now that you have done it, it wasn't what you expected it to be. Maybe you're unconsiously putting too much pressure on yourself to do it and like it, so you can please other people. As I said, I have no experience with relationships or even sex, for that matter, but I think that maybe you need to stop and think about what you really want, not what you think you should do or how you think you should feel. You might want to consider therapy for that, sometimes thinking about ourselves can be hard, especially if we're constantly thinking about pleasing other people (I am a little bit like that). Also, these kind of places and apps are mostly for hook ups. Try to meet someone nice who you can have a deep connection too, but try to let go of the fear (I know it's hard) that maybe you might not be enough if you can't perform. Sex alone is not what sustains a relationship. Your own insecurity of that matter might be the thing causing it. Try doing more things that can help you relax and take care of yourself.
I don't really attach to people that much. I feel close to them right now because I have them around. When they're not, I won't really mind. Well, I was always given liberty in my childhood (what I watch, when I go to bed, when I study, what to dress, what I wanted to study in college), but I do feel that my mom has definitely be very a big influence on what I do, but mostly because I want to do what makes her proud somehow (or at least I did until recently when I started to focus more on me. I don't want to sound arrogant, but ever since a kid I've been delivering to my family more than other kids I know, so I sorta got them used to delivering high, so when I achieve something is usually not that big of a deal. They want to make but I don't let them. I remember when I graduated college, they wanted to celebrate big and stuff, but I told them no, because, I mean, lots of people graduate, is not that big of a deal (the way I saw it at the time). My family is "catholic", but ever since I was a teenager my parents stop pushing it on me. As I said, they gave me liberty, so they understand why I don't identify myself as a catholic.
If you feel that what you have actually done in your life has been largely done to "please" or make your family proud then it's actually quite common that when you reach the point where they stop telling or suggesting you things they expect you to do then it might be possible that you are lost because you don't really have done big things for yourself or thought what you actually want. Now you are away from your family in a different continent and you are supposed to make up you mind on your own what you want from life. I'm kind of in a same situation. Perhaps you could see a school psychologist and talk about your feelings with them? I did that and it helped me a lot.
