okey, so it's going to be a long post.. Here we go. I'm 28 years old female. I've identified myself as bisexual something like 10 years, give or take. As a teenager i had a few female crushes, but i was more attracted to men. I met my now husband when i was 14 year old and i haven't really been with anyone else. I have always been a bit of a tomboy, but as i've grown, i have become more masculine so to say. I had a phase, when i was thinking that i may be a trans, but then i just realized i still want to be a woman, not just anything feminine. I guess i just haven't seen any real tomboys and i thought that i must be trans because i couldn't identify myself with anyone (all the tomboys in tv series are still quite feminine). I'm borderline cross dresser, i don't quite look like a guy, but i'm pretty close. So here's the problem. As i said earlier, i'm married to a wonderful, supporting man. But lately i've been starting to feel that i'm not sexually interested in men anymore. I love him with all my heart, but i still feel that something is off. I don't find myself attracted to any men anymore. If i watch tv series or movies, i just notice the women and i'm always hoping for lesbian outcome (eg. Lost girl Bo & Lauren, not Dyson). My husband is a nerdy guy, and i've only ever been interested about that kind of type, i don't like very masculine men at all. But the thing is that he is still the male in our relationship and i'm the female. And i think i want and need a relationship where i can be the more masculine one. I had a traumatic childhood, i'm only child to my single mom and she was very sick when i was young. I also have tourette's and some ocds that go along with it. I got bullied a lot at school and although i had some friends, i didn't really have much support in my life. And i didn't really get any help or proper understanding with my illnesses. Probably that's why we connected so well with my now husband, he had a troublesome childhood also. It's always been us two against the world. As a child and a teenager i was so worried about my mom all the time that i probably didn't think about myself at all. And it is greatly my moms fault also, she shouldn't have been so dependent of me, she should have been pushing me out to the world to live my life and supporting me finding my way. So now i have irrational fears of ending all alone. I have difficulties in making friends. I have some anxiety issues as well. I'm very nihilistic, but i'm actively trying to get over it. And now i'm aknowledging i need support and help figuring myself out and what i want from life to make myself truely happy first time in my life. I don't want to go to therapy, that's not an option for me at least at the moment. Despite of all this, i'm actually a functional member of the society, i have a batchelor's degree and i have a steady job. Although it's a small wonder that i actually get out of the door every morning. What i'm asking here is to get some support and maybe you guys can help me figure some things out. I'm sorry, my post is a bit of a mess up, but so am i. Everyone seemed so helpful and understanding so i'm hoping that you might be able to help me also.
Hey TomboyGoth. Let me just say that it takes real courage to write a post like this and it is incredibly commendable. I know how it feels to be confused about your sexual orientation. I've been struggling with it for a long time and am still questioning. Sometimes I feel only attracted to men and other times women. I also know how hard it can be to live with anxiety. Just know that your irrational fears are just that- irrational. I hope that you figure things out. Just know you're not alone I'm rooting for you.
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I have some better days and some worse, and when writing that was definitely in the worse category. I'm starting to feel better again. I think i have to start by exploring my masculine side some more. And i have to get some lgbt friends. I only ever have known one gay guy and we were so different personalities that it really didn't give me any insight about being gay. My husband has said that i can sleep with women to try and figure this out and i start to feel that that is exactly what i want and should do, but finding anyone is the hardest part at the moment. But slow and steady wins the race and i have to maybe know myself better before i can get out to the big world. I tend to take things too seriously and worry about the future a lot. I know i have to lighten up and start to live in the moment more.
Everybody has those days. I'm glad that you are starting to feel better Well I know that this is online, but you now have one more not-straight friend (well more than one since everyone here is so supportive) It's nice that your husband is so understanding. Yeah I find it hard to stay in the moment and not be so serious too- it's definitely easier said than done. It's also kind of exciting too though to be able to be able to know yourself better. I'm sure when you feel more comfortable, you'll find what you are looking for. I'm in the same boat right now (minus the husband of course). I need to figure out more about myself before I feel comfortable enough to look for someone. We'll get there.
Online friends are great too! So i'm happy to have you as a friend and i hope we can continue to talk. And btw, thanks for the link, i hadn't seen it yet. I don't have enough posts to write to your wall so.. I actually had a funny moment today. I had a nurses appointment today and she was very attractive, i actually felt pretty interested in her. And i had to tell her i was married and i actually felt weird saying that. I didn't want to tell her that. Of course there is now way ever that i would have said her anything even if i was out and about because it was an official situation. But i'm actually more confirmed that i haven't been imagining this whole problem in my head because of how i felt in that situation. The main thing right now for me is still a bit confusion about if anything i feel is real. Only thing that can help is time and self studying i guess, but i take that moment to be a small confirmation any way.
I'm happy to have you as a friend too No problem. That's great that that confirmed something for you. You should take it that way I guess it shows that you are on the right path to finding out who you are.
I think i'm a bit dependent of my husband because he's really the only support i have ever had. And fear of the unknown plays a big part also in this. I appreciate you sending those links to me, it's nice to see that i'm not the only one in this kind of a situation and if i can help someone also it would be really good.
That is a normal fear. The unknown is extremely scary! Well you are growing your support system so that is good I'm glad
