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I Don't Like Anyone (?)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by saintcatherine, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. saintcatherine

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Alberta, Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    In a shocking turn of events, I am going to properly capitalize and punctuate something lmao. I'm really sorry for the title, I just couldn't think of anything better to surmise this lol.

    First of all, I want to say I'm sorry for posting this- I'm fully aware of the huge amount of confused teenagers who post similar stories but I'd love this as an opportunity to vent and see my feelings written clearly before me to make more sense of them.

    I've always been pretty at ease with sexuality and gender in general, and never defined nor denied my own, and people accepted that. When I was younger, I dressed in boys clothing, and felt urges to experiment with my female friends (kissing, seeing them naked, etc.) As I grew, I developed crushes on generally effeminate boys, but never anything serious. Boys have asked me out, but I've always turned them down.

    However, I absolutely love the idea of boys. I love their sharp lines and jawlines and physique- in theory. I have never found a boy I wanted to actually date. When they would touch me I often felt disgusted, and I have incredibly high standards for them that have been met by very few in terms of physical aspects (not how handsome, but the right, mold, I suppose?) Even if they fit those standards, I found myself hating their personalities. I grew up in a household of men and boys, and I find them crude, and though I know this is not for all boys but merely my perception of them in terms of my own sexuality, not possessing of the kind of love I want.

    Naturally, I have always assumed I leaned towards homosexuality, and though I have always imagined myself marrying a woman, when I see couple pictures of lesbians or people kissing or PDA, I feel unaffected. I would absolutely do something with a girl but no matter how hard I try I cannot find a girl I like romantically or even develop fleeting crushes of them.

    I feel that if I were a boy, which I do have some inclination towards being, I would like boys. As a girl, I would like girls. I don't entirely understand why.

    PDA and couples make me feel disgusted. People touching me disgust me. People touching make me uncomfortable and vomitty. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to muster romantic feelings for any gender. Sure, I can get off to anyone, but why can't I imagine a future with them?

    Before I am told I am possibly aromantic, I want to clarify that I want to feel the way people feel so badly. I want to be able blush and get flustered and have meaningless crushes. I often force them as show, or atleast try to like someone, but it never works. I understand I am young, but when my friends set me up on dates or I flirt with boys, why don't I feel a thing? I don't know if I like boys and I don't know if I like girls but I want to so bad. I want to fill something and I don't know how and it bothers me a lot because I can't even slap a label on my sexuality because I don't like anyone besides in a purely-sexual form.

    I feel like a giant grey blob. I'm sorry for my overly dramatic spiel lmao I just feel so confused and mad. I'm hoping there are other people with similar stories who could help me lmao. :thumbsup:
     
    #1 saintcatherine, Feb 7, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2016
  2. H20

    H20
    Full Member

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    Location:
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    You don't have your age down, but you said you were a teenager, so I'm working with that. While I have not experienced everything you have down to an art, not that long ago I couldn't get romantically attracted to anybody at all. I hated being touched by people because I felt not disgusted but uncomfortable. Yet I wanted to explore sexually. Then I went through a period where I found myself suddenly romantically attracted one person to another then another, and even two people at once, a guy and a girl, during my questioning stage of my sexuality.

    I used to think something was wrong with me and at some point discovered asexuality and thought I might be asexual then aromantic, and I turned out to be neither.

    I believe that us as teenagers simply go through a lot of emotional connections and disconnections with all the hormones doing their chemistry thing inside our body. Or our brains and yes, even our bodies, are just trying to figure out what we do and don't like, but again, sexuality is fluid and can just be rapidly changing right now. It's why teenage years are really confusing.

    At the same time, I am a trans guy and was unable to come to terms with anything until I understood my own gender identity. Have you ever considered you might not be just female? Perhaps genderfluid or bigender? When you feel like a girl you like girls, making you a lesbian. When feel more masculine you like boys, making you gay. I think that'd be the right sexuality terms. I'm not an expert on genderfluidity however.

    Again, being a teenager is a highly confusing time, and I'm still a teen myself and I'm admitting that, so you know it's got to be really confusing. Anyway, some of us just don't learn what we do and don't like until a certain somebody jumps into our lives or until we're older.

    Needless to say, you could still be aromantic. I know you say you don't want to be aromantic, but at the same time it's like a guy saying he doesn't want to be gay even though he is. Of course only you know if this is you or not, only you can accept that or not, but we also don't choose our sexuality and being aromantic is a sexuality nonetheless just like being queer. Even if it's only temporary, because again, your sexuality can change or adapt over time. (Sorry, I know you probably didn't want to hear that.)

    As for when you're flirting with boys or on dates, and not feeling anything, it's hard to feel anything for anyone if you aren't romantically attracted to them. You can't exactly force yourself to be attracted to someone. You can trick yourself into thinking you are if you really, really try, but in the end it's not real and I think you'd recognize that after a while.

    Something else you might not want to hear is you'll probably just have to try and wait it out. On the other hand, have you researched everything LGBTQ+? There's so many sexualities and gender identities out there you may not know about and if you don't know about it, you can't understand that's not you maybe. For me, I had to know who I was with the right words before I could feel anything for anybody. Being self-aware was hugely important for me and it could be for you as well.

    Here's a link for an extensive list of LGBT terms. I'd suggest go checking it out and maybe you'll find something that suits you. I know I asked this above, but have you considered a gender identity different from just female before? There's so many like bigender, demigenders, agender, genderfluid, and mixes of certain genders. It may sound weird, but I had questioned my sexuality first and then I suddenly realized being trans* was me and everything just became clearer. I just had to understand my identity first.

    Now I'm not saying you're going through the same thing, but the reason why I point this out is because of what you said here:

    And you also mentioned:

    However, you do sound to be in quite a fix. You're all over the place with liking and disliking this or that. What I did find confusing though is that you say you're sexually attracted to others but not romantically, however, you also mentioned you felt disgusted when a guy touches you. Can you clarify this a bit more? I might be able to give you more insight.

    Best regards.