i have been struggling with my orientation for a long time. i remember first being attracted to boys and girls since about 5th grade.i had my first boy crush in 6th and my first ever sexual experience that was with a boy 8th grade. i was in 9th when i first identified with the first gay character ive ever seen from a tv show. i was able to relate and it felt good. i wasnt aware that many others struggled with confusion, closed communities, no confidants. i wasnt aware of having to come out or deal with homophones. i went to christian school, raised by one mother, and was an only child so this character was an example and role model for me. at 14 yo i was sure i was gay. i tried to come out several times to my mom (14,15,17) she said she didnt beleive me because as a young child she said i always acted like a straight boy and she said that people dont become gay from seeing it on tv. after hearing the screaming, seeing the many tears, and feeling the immense guilt about letting her down i was confused again and after each attempt to come out i just said i was straight and there was nothing for her to worry about (maybe even thought she was right) . at 16 my first relationship with a boy started. it was ended swiftly by my mother who would sneak in my room to look at my calls and texts. she even created a fake facebook account pretending to be an old friend and messaged me in order to deceive me. i didnt find out about all this till 17( the same day i deleted my account). she never told me i found out, and she still doesnt know that i know what she did. i didnt have a relationship with a girl till a senior in highcool which lasted for about a couple of weeks. being attracted to guys is no question....i know i am, but now i still dont know if i like girls. i find them pretty, i think "she dateable" but im not sure if "shes dateable" because i like her or because its something my straight friends and family would like. also in the past i was never really grossed out while kissing a girl or cuddling( never cuddled or kissed a guy), but whenever sex was on the verge i would always avoid it. but did i avoid it because im gay or because i was a nervous virgin? i get excited by the thought of being with another guy sexually and romantically. girls seem like work. but maybe because they are worth it...? this may be long and confusing, but any advice is greatly appreciated. please let me know if more clarification is needed and obviously i will return the favor of answering your questions. thank you and stay beautiful.
Hey LJAm. It's perfectly ok to be questioning. I feel the same way- I know I like guys but I'm really questioning whether I like girls. It's hard to know, especially if you don't feel like you have support from your mom (it's pretty sad that she did that to you). When I first tried to come out to my mom I went back on what I said too. It's hard trying to figure out if you like girls because you are trying to please your straight friends and family. I think the most important thing is to take the time to see what it is that you really want, because ultimately it is your life (and yeah I know that's easier said than done). If you ever need to talk you can post on my wall.
I dated girls for a while and went through a lot of the same guilt, confusion, and shame that you feel - and it wasn't that long ago. It sounds to me with girls it could be societal pressures and you being friends with girls. That applies to myself: I liked girls as friends, but when it came down to it, I just wasn't attracted. This may or may not be the case with you, bit everything you've written seems to indicate you're gay with basically no supports to actually get you to where you're comfortable being you. Instead you're trying to be someone's version of you.
