Totally lost. Please help me find myself.

I'm really confused about my sexual orientation. Instead of boring everyone with the long story of sexual exploration I've participated in throughout my life I've decided to list out things I've come to know as the truth along the way. Hopefully there's enough information for everyone to give their opinions and advice. If there's anything else you'd like or need to know to make an informative decision about who or what I am please don't hesitate to ask.

• I am a man. I identify as a man. And have no desire to be any other gender.
• I am happily married to a woman and would like to keep it that way.
• I identify as bisexual to my wife and friends.
• I identify as heterosexual to family and coworkers.
• I identify as homosexual or slightly bisexual to myself.
• I have been in relationships with both men, women and transgender women.
• I have only fallen in love or had romantic feelings towards three women in my life.
• I have never fallen in love or had romantic feelings towards men.
• I have always wanted relationships with women and not men.
• I check out hot and average women and fantasize about being with them regularly.
• I rarely check out hot guys and almost never fantasize about being with them.
• I have had sexual relations with men, women and transgender women.
• I enjoy kissing men, women and transgender women.
• I enjoy foreplay with men, women and transgender women.
• I enjoy performing oral on both men, women and transgender women.
• I'm not really that into receiving oral from men, women or transgender women but none of it turns me off.
• I enjoy receiving/giving anal penetration from/to men, women and transgender women.
• I'm not really that into vaginal sex.
• When having intercourse with women I have to think of men to orgasm, unless it's anal penetration.
• When having intercourse with men I don't have to think of anything to orgasm.
• I prefer having intercourse with men and transgender women.
• I prefer performing oral on men and transgender women.
• I prefer male genitalia but I am not disgusted my female genitalia.
• I enjoy strap-on play with females and I don't have to think of men to orgasm.
• When I watch porn I mostly watch gay porn.
• When I watch porn I sometimes watch transgender porn.
• When I watch porn I rarely watch lesbian porn.
• When I watch porn I never watch straight porn.
• When I'm in a sexual relationship with a man I feel sexually fulfilled but emotionally unfulfilled.
• When I'm in a sexual relationship with a woman I feel emotionally fulfilled but sexually unfulfilled.
• When I'm in a sexual relationship with a transgender woman I feel sexually fulfilled but emotionally unfulfilled.
• The only time I ever feel, or have felt, both sexually and emotionally fulfilled is when my wife participates in the fantasy through strap-on play, role play or homoerotic dirty talk. And the weird thing is when she's participating in the fantasy I don't usually even picture having sex with a man. We make lots of eye contact. Kiss a lot. And it's really her I'm there with. But when she doesn't participate I have to pretend she's a man. I close my eyes or avoid eye contact. And I'm not really into kissing. And after a while I'm left feeling empty and disconnected from the world.

Please help. All opinions and advice are welcomed. I don't understand myself at all.

 

Thanks for your response. I know there's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. I would prefer to be gay than whatever it is I am. The problem is I don't ever feel an emotional or romantic attraction to men. And I have no desire to be in a relationship with a man. I only have that sort of attraction to women. But I'm sexually attracted to men and I'm not really sexually attracted to women beyond foreplay. So when I'm in a relationship with a man I'm sexually fulfilled but emotionally unfulfilled. And when I'm in a relationship with a woman I'm emotionally fulfilled but sexually unfulfilled. I have to imagine I'm with a man to have sex with women which leaves me feeling empty and disconnected from the entire world after a while. I don't understand how it's even possible to be emotionally attracted to one sex and sexually attracted to the other and what the heck am I to do about it?

 

She has given me the green light to meet men for sex. We've been together for a little over seven years now. Four of which we had a completely open relationship. During that time we both had partners on the side, had several threesomes with both men and women, and swapped with straight and bisexual couples. Then we closed it because we had a little trouble with one of the men she was seeing. She told me it was ok if I wanted to continue to hook up with men on the side but I wasn't really interested in that at the time.

She participates in the fantasy with gay dirty talk while we're having sex, strap-on play, etc. But we only do that kind of stuff once or at most twice every couple of weeks. She prefers the normal hetero sex more. So I resort to fantasizing about men in my head while we have sex. What's really weird is when she participates in the fantasy my sexual desires are completely satisfied. I don't even have to think about men. We make lots of eye contact. Kiss a lot. And it's really her I'm there with. But when I have to fantasize about men alone, while we're having sex, I'm left feeling unsatisfied. And I get a little disconnected from her. I close my eyes or avoid eye contact. And I'm not really into kissing. And after a while I'm left feeling empty and disconnected from the entire world. My sexual desires start to take over and all I can think about is sex. With men. And it becomes hard to focus at work. It's hard to enjoy normal everyday activities. Family time. Etc. Because all I can think about is gay sex. Then I start seeking out sex with actual men. And ya she's ok with that so there shouldn't be a problem... but none of those encounters leave me feeling satisfied either. For some reason the only time I truly feel satisfied both emotionally and sexually is when my wife is participating in the fantasy. But like I said she only wants to do that kind of stuff every couple of weeks.

In regards to not wanting to get too attached to a man for fear of losing our "straight" ground... I'd say this definitely does not apply to me. Before I met my wife I was out as exclusively gay for three years or so. During that time I met a man who I thought I could fall for. I was majorly crushing. I thought about him all the time. After being friends for a while we started dating. Had amazing sex. Possibly the best I've ever had. And I wanted it all the time. But after we started having sex all of my feelings towards him went away. I didn't want to cuddle. Or talk. Or do anything other than have sex, take a shower and get on with my day. I didn't care about spending time with him. Or about anything he was interested in. I just wanted to have sex and that was it. The crush was over. After about a year of dating I broke up with him. Dated a few guys after that. Nothing longer than a month. And never once felt any real romantic connection and definitely never felt like I loved or anything close to that with a man. Even though I tried. I really wanted to. I really wanted to be just gay. It would've been so much easier. That's why I'm pretty sure that statement does not apply to me.

I'd say I fall into the category of preferring females emotionally. However, I don't agree that it plunged me into a sexless union, or a relationship with intercourse being a chore. My wife and I usually have sex once or twice a day. And I'm really turned on by and into foreplay with her. And don't have to think about men during foreplay. I just have to think about them during intercourse. And as I said above, we do lots of other stuff that caters to my sexual desires, not as often as I feel I really need, but during those times the sexual and emotional connection I feel with my wife is unbelievably fulfilling. So to answer your question... No I don't think sexless union, or a relationship with intercourse being a chore would be your indubitable fate if you chose to be in a relationship with a woman. I would however recommend being completely upfront with the women you date. Especially if you think it could become something serious. I'm on my second marriage and made the mistake of trying to hide that side of me for nearly two years. But it's impossible to hide something that's such a big part of who you are. So as it always will, it came out. Needless to say, that did not bode well for the marriage. And we're no longer friends either. So be as honest with them and yourself as you can be.

If I ever figure out who or what I really am I'm going to tell my wife. But until then I'm going to continue to identify as bisexual to her. I just don't feel I should confuse her when I'm still confused myself. I really have no clue how to explain my feelings. They don't even make sense to me. Hopefully when or if the day ever comes that they do, and I share it with her, she'll understand and still accept me for me. And still want to be with me. Or at least be my best friend. I just don't know what I'd ever do without her in my life.

---------- Post added 11th Feb 2016 at 04:19 PM ----------

She has given me the green light to meet men for sex. We've been together for a little over seven years now. Four of which we had a completely open relationship. During that time we both had partners on the side, had several threesomes with both men and women, and swapped with straight and bisexual couples. Then we closed it because we had a little trouble with one of the men she was seeing. She told me it was ok if I wanted to continue to hook up with men on the side but I wasn't really interested in that at the time.

She participates in the fantasy with gay dirty talk while we're having sex, strap-on play, etc. But we only do that kind of stuff once or at most twice every couple of weeks. She prefers the normal hetero sex more. So I resort to fantasizing about men in my head while we have sex. What's really weird is when she participates in the fantasy my sexual desires are completely satisfied. I don't even have to think about men. We make lots of eye contact. Kiss a lot. And it's really her I'm there with. But when I have to fantasize about men alone, while we're having sex, I'm left feeling unsatisfied. And I get a little disconnected from her. I close my eyes or avoid eye contact. And I'm not really into kissing. And after a while I'm left feeling empty and disconnected from the entire world. My sexual desires start to take over and all I can think about is sex. With men. And it becomes hard to focus at work. It's hard to enjoy normal everyday activities. Family time. Etc. Because all I can think about is gay sex. Then I start seeking out sex with actual men. And ya she's ok with that so there shouldn't be a problem... but none of those encounters leave me feeling satisfied either. For some reason the only time I truly feel satisfied both emotionally and sexually is when my wife is participating in the fantasy. But like I said she only wants to do that kind of stuff every couple of weeks.

In regards to not wanting to get too attached to a man for fear of losing our "straight" ground... I'd say this definitely does not apply to me. Before I met my wife I was out as exclusively gay for three years or so. During that time I met a man who I thought I could fall for. I was majorly crushing. I thought about him all the time. After being friends for a while we started dating. Had amazing sex. Possibly the best I've ever had. And I wanted it all the time. But after we started having sex all of my feelings towards him went away. I didn't want to cuddle. Or talk. Or do anything other than have sex, take a shower and get on with my day. I didn't care about spending time with him. Or about anything he was interested in. I just wanted to have sex and that was it. The crush was over. After about a year of dating I broke up with him. Dated a few guys after that. Nothing longer than a month. And never once felt any real romantic connection and definitely never felt like I loved or anything close to that with a man. Even though I tried. I really wanted to. I really wanted to be just gay. It would've been so much easier. That's why I'm pretty sure that statement does not apply to me.

I'd say I fall into the category of preferring females emotionally. However, I don't agree that it plunged me into a sexless union, or a relationship with intercourse being a chore. My wife and I usually have sex once or twice a day. And I'm really turned on by and into foreplay with her. And don't have to think about men during foreplay. I just have to think about them during intercourse. And as I said above, we do lots of other stuff that caters to my sexual desires, not as often as I feel I really need, but during those times the sexual and emotional connection I feel with my wife is unbelievably fulfilling. So to answer your question... No I don't think sexless union, or a relationship with intercourse being a chore would be your indubitable fate if you chose to be in a relationship with a woman. I would however recommend being completely upfront with the women you date. Especially if you think it could become something serious. I'm on my second marriage and made the mistake of trying to hide that side of me for nearly two years. But it's impossible to hide something that's such a big part of who you are. So as it always will, it came out. Needless to say, that did not bode well for the marriage. And we're no longer friends either. So be as honest with them and yourself as you can be.

If I ever figure out who or what I really am I'm going to tell my wife. But until then I'm going to continue to identify as bisexual to her. I just don't feel I should confuse her when I'm still confused myself. I really have no clue how to explain my feelings. They don't even make sense to me. Hopefully when or if the day ever comes that they do, and I share it with her, she'll understand and still accept me for me. And still want to be with me. Or at least be my best friend. I just don't know what I'd ever do without her in my life.

---------- Post added 11th Feb 2016 at 04:38 PM ----------

I'd normally agree with that statement. However, I've always been the type of person to go against whatever society/family dictates as right and wrong. Or at least question it. And I've never really cared what anyone thinks of me, even my family. I do not think there's anything wrong with being gay. I do not think that men are supposed to love women. Or women are supposed to love men. And there's absolutely nothing wrong or off about two men in love or two women in love. I think love is beautiful no matter who it's between. For as long as I can remember having sexual and emotional feelings it seems that they did not coincide. I've always wished that I could either fall in love with a man or have the same sexual attraction for women as I do for men. Or at least be able to fall in love with both. I just want to be gay or straight. Or truly bisexual. Meaning being romantically and sexually attracted to both men and women. Unfortunately none of those labels define me. I seemed destined to never know who I really am. Or to ever truly be fulfilled romantically or sexually at the same time. :\

 

I've done a lot of exploring. And I've tried to figure a lot of things out. And it seems the lines become more and more blurred the more I explore. I started having sexual feelings for both guys and girls around ten or eleven. I had my first sexual experience with a guy when I was thirteen and my first sexual experience with a girl when I was fourteen. At that time I was equally attracted to both. But felt more emotionally attracted to girls. I continued to have flings with girls and guys until I was fifteen. At fifteen I started exclusively dating a girl. And fell in love... well teenage love. We had great sex. Loved foreplay with her. But I had to think of guys during intercourse most of the time. She moved away right after I turned seventeen. For obvious reasons we broke up. Then I dated both girls and guys until I met my first wife, around eighteen. I was not honest with her about my sexual interests towards guys until about two years into it when I came out to her as bisexual. She said some pretty harsh things. Left. And filed for divorce. And that was that. Then I decided I wasn't going to put anymore girls through that. I came out as gay to most of my friends. And lived a 100% gay life for about two years. Dated a guy for a year. Never felt any real emotions towards him so I broke it off. I dated several guys after that, nothing lasted longer than a month though. During those two years my attractions towards women never went away. I still checked them out. Wondered what it'd be like to be with them and everything. I tried really hard to push the thoughts I had about women out of my head with no success. So I decided, without a doubt, I was bisexual. So I opened myself back up to dating women. Met my wife. Fell in love. Told her the truth, or what I believed to be the truth, pretty much from the beginning. And then there was a lot of exploring during the 10 years we've been together which I've discussed earlier in this thread. I just don't know how much more I can explore or try to figure out about myself. I've been open to everything I can think of along the way, but it seems it all stays the same... one big hot mess.

 

I don't mean to put so much pressure on myself. It's just really frustrating not truly understanding who I am after so many years of exploration. It's not that I need to label myself... I just think it would be so much easier for me to understand who I really am if I had a label. And it'd be way easier for me to truly express myself to my wife if I could understand who I really am.

I have looked into mixed orientation sexuality actually. Quite extensively. But being a heteromantic homosexual is very hard for me to swallow. It almost seems like a cruel joke. How can I be only romantically attracted to the opposite sex and only sexually attracted to the same sex. That's just not fair. And while that's probably the label I come closest to identifying with... why do I enjoy kissing, foreplay, oral sex and cuddling with women? Why do I check out women and have casual fantasies about them more than I do with guys? One might say that I'm a heteromantic bisexual. Which I would have absolutely no problem with. That'd be awesome if that's what I was. But am I really? I'm not really into intercourse with women. It doesn't disgust me... but it's definitely not something I'm turned on by. And when having sex with a woman I have to think of having sex with men to orgasm. So the way I see it neither of those labels really apply to me either. So what? Am I a heteromantic homosexual with bisexual tendencies? WTF is that all about? Is that even possible? If so, WHY ME?!

 

In regards to having such a woman by my side... I feel incredibly lucky. She's the most amazing person I've ever known. She's my best friend. Love of my life. Trusted partner. And soulmate. I can't even begin to express how thankful I am to have her in my life. I admire her more than anyone I've ever encountered.

It's not that I need to label myself so I can come out to society as _____... I just think it would be so much easier for me to understand who I really am if there was label that I fit in with. And it'd be way easier for me to truly express myself to my wife if I could understand who I really am.

You said you don't give up the thought of finding "the one" to date and marry. In reference to women. Are you romantically attracted to women? What about sexually? If so have you always been sexually attracted to them and has the degree of attraction changed with time? Are you romantically attracted to men? Obviously you're sexually attracted to men so I won't ask. I'm just want to clarify because you stated you know how I'm feeling.

---------- Post added 12th Feb 2016 at 09:25 AM ----------

Thanks soulstone. It always helps to know that we're not alone and there's others who are experiencing these feelings too. I sincerely hope you figure out your way to deal with these feelings and will be able to lead a romantically and sexually fulfilling life.

Have you been in serious relationships with men? And if so, how did you deal with your feelings during those relationships? Where you honest with any of them about it and if so how did that go over? Are you romantically attracted to women or ids it purely sexual?

---------- Post added 12th Feb 2016 at 09:34 AM ----------

No problem Joy2. And I'm glad you love your husband. I'm sorry you can't stand kissing him or thinking about his genitalia though. That would suck. I truly love to kiss my wife. And her genitalia is not a turn off to me. As I previously stated in this thread... I'm actually turned on and enjoy cuddling, kissing, foreplay and oral sex with my wife. So at least there's that. I'm just not really into intercourse with women. It doesn't disgust me. But I have to fantasize about men when engaging. Do you have romantic feelings towards women or are they purely of a sexual nature?

 

So you have talked about this with your husband. And he's encouraged you to explore to see if you honestly have a same sex sexual attraction or if sex just isn't your thing. That's awesome you have a partner who's supporting you in that way and open to you exploring to find out where your true desires are.

In regards to you not knowing how to go about finding out for sure... I'd say take the leap. If your husband is being honest and feels you should explore then why not? Just make sure to be completely honest with him about everything. Even if you think what you find out might hurt him. Just be understanding and compassionate about his feelings along the way as well.

I wouldn't really say I feel the need to define myself so I can feel like I belong... But I definitely agree that doing so so it can stop being a question is a factor in my search for a label. I don't know that pansexual describes me. I'm somewhat limited in my sexual choices considering I only enjoy kissing, cuddling, foreplay and oral with women. Not intercourse. And I can't fall in love with men, believe me I have tried over and over to allow that to happen, I only have romantic feelings towards women. I've crushed on guys but as soon as we start having sexual relations all those feelings go away. And with women it's opposite, the more sex I have with a woman the stronger those romantic feelings become. Even though I have to fantasize about men during intercourse. And yes, all of my desires are met when my wife participates in the fantasy. Whenever we do engage in those activities I feel fulfilled both sexually and romantically simultaneously. And I don't even need to fantasize about men. I'm there with her and there's nobody else. Just us. It's amazing. We have talked. I'm out as bisexual to her, though that's not really what I think I am, she's known for about nine years. We had an open relationship for a while. We had some problems with a guy she was seeing and decided to close it. She said she was completely ok with me continuing to sleep with men though. I've done so. But those encounters were only fulfilling sexually. And for some reason when I'm not fulfilled sexually and romantically simultaneously that starts to cause other problems in my life, which I discussed previously in the thread. I start to feel disconnected from everyone. Lost in my own world of perversions. So I decided that wasn't a healthy way for me to live and quit looking for other men to hookup with. I mean if something happens it happens. I'm just not actively seeking out pointless rando sex anymore.

*hugs* to you as well. I'm happy to hear that talking to me helps you realize how fortunate you are. We really are incredibly lucky to have such understanding and compassionate partners. I don't know what I'd do without mine. We should definitely make sure they're aware of how truly appreciative we are.

 

Well I guess I could've been dealt a worse hand...

So I guess if I want to apply a label to what I am it would seem as though heteromantic homosexual with slightly bisexual tendencies best describes me. That's quite a mouthful...

Thanks for all your input. I feel a little less confused than I did when I initiated this thread. Hearing everyone's input and advice helps. But I think putting my thoughts in writing and discussing them with likeminded people was REALLY beneficial.

So now I guess I can go ahead and change my orientation from questioning to heteromantic homosexual with slightly bisexual tendencies. Wait a minute... There's no option for HHWSBT's on the dropdown. Wtf. I guess I'll just have to write it in. JK