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So confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ytsatacire, Feb 12, 2016.

  1. ytsatacire

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Vancouver
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hey,

    I'm not really sure what to think of my orientation. My attraction (if any) is very specific..

    I'm a woman. I'm always checking out other ladies. I'm also attracted to guys, but only if they fit my fetish (eating/gaining). I've never been in a relationship (24 years old). I've had ~5-6+ sexual encounters, ranging from kissing to penetration. To be honest, I don't remember how many times it is; I was either drunk or high for all of these encounters. One of these encounters was with a woman, but we only kissed and fondled each other. I really enjoyed this time. All of the other times, when I was with a man, I was hardly aroused (if at all). I think I would have been more aroused if the guy was larger. The only time I remember being really turned on by a guy was a past best friend. We discussed food a lot and my attraction to that got in the way of our friendship. Also, I've only had orgasms alone while browsing fat fetish websites. Another note: I've been questioning if I have feelings for my best friend, another woman who also questions her sexuality but is hoping to marry her boyfriend of 5 years. The feelings aren't very strong but there's enough there to make me wonder.

    I really don't know. I know my mental health wasn't the best before. Now that I am mentally healthy, my past experiences have left me with a big question mark. My weirdly confusing orientation makes me wonder what my future will consist of. I know that some day I would like to settle down and maybe have kids. Whether it's with a woman or a man, who knows. To be 24 and still unsure of my orientation makes me feel uneasy. If I'm not attracted to males in the end, it will take me a long time to accept it. Having a highly conservative father doesn't help with this.

    I don't really have a specific question. I think I'm just looking for some guidance. I find it weird to have to "decide" on one gender but I also find it weird to potentially be bisexual, like I'm really not deciding or solving my "problem"...

    – E
     
  2. Confusedmoose

    Full Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Hey ytsatacire,
    Don't feel uneasy about not understanding who you are at 24. I'm almost 24 myself and am totally confused about everything and there are a lot of people older than us that are feeling the same way. Figuring out your sexual orientation and then accepting it is a long and sometimes frustrating path. I've been going through it for quite a while now, but you'll figure things out eventually. You definitely don't have to chose a gender though- being bi might not be you not solving the problem but rather be you truly understanding who you are. There's really nothing weird about being bi, or even being somewhere in between. I think you just need time to find out more about yourself. <3
     
  3. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    All too often we try to define our sexuality in very specific terms, looking for a neat little pigeon hole that doesn't actually exist and then we end up feeling frustrated or unsettled by the lack of clarity and get into a cycle of repetitive thinking.

    It sounds like you are strongly attracted to the same sex and you are not relying on a "fat fetish" (if that's the correct term) to experience that attraction, so I would be guided by those feelings which come during moments of sobriety. If you were drunk or high when you were intimate with men it's hardly a basis for defining your real feelings, but you still know that it failed to turn you on.

    Very few things are 100% in life and that applies to our sexuality as much as anything else. Many people are predominantly gay, but that doesn't mean we lack all perspective towards the opposite sex and it doesn't necessarily make us bisexual if we happen to find a member/s of the opposite sex attractive, for whatever reason.

    It's not my place to define your sexuality (nobody can decide for you) but I would suggest you are predominantly gay/lesbian with a residual attraction towards heavy or overweight men. It may only be an attraction in your mind though -- something that turns you on through fantasy, but you never actually follow up in real life and that's totally okay. What do you think?