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Starting to think I was bi all this time. Might be time to come out. Help!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by dwelefan, Feb 13, 2016.

  1. dwelefan

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    I came out as gay in my late teens (19) and began a three year relationship with an older man (10 years older). I haven't been in a serious relationship since then and now I am 33. When I was about 26 I started dating an older woman (way older...too old) and we had a casual relationship for about a year and a half. that was when I realized I might be bi but I have struggled with it ever since dating her years ago up until now. At the time I really didn't tell anybody i thought i might be bi, except her but she didn't believe me since I told her about my relationship with a guy when I was 19. She used to make fun of my sexuality and that is one reason why things didn't work between us.

    Anyway, I find myself fantasizing about both sexes nowadays. I really want to have sex with an older woman again...or any age woman for that matter, as long as she is an adult. But when I think of wanting a relationship, I only desire that with a man, although I would leave myself open to the possibility of being with a woman. I feel more comfortable dating men and I know how to approach them and find women much harder to approach. My straight friends think I am straight and my gay friends think I am 100% gay and my parents think I am gay because the only partner I brought home to them was my ex-bf. No one close to me knows the real truth about me as far as my sexuality. I feel guilty about hiding this info from them, especially my parents. I feel like if I was to tell anybody about me being bi that they wouldn't believe me. How should I go about coming out again ( I came out as gay to everybody previously, except straight friends that i have only know the last few years)?
     
  2. Sultane

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    It seems to me that you're bisexual maybe with more homoromantic tendencies, or maybe you're just more nervous around women (which might go away with time and experience).
    As for whether to tell your friends and family, I think it might be simpler than it seems. If you end up dating a girl or even regularly having sex with girls there is undeniable evidence you are not 100% gay and they'll just have to accept it. Or is your worry people around you won't accept you now you're bisexual?
    I think your parents won't mind if you tell them because they accepted you as gay and maybe you could explain sexual fluidity to them. Also your straight fiends think you are straight anyway so if you see a girl you like talking to her won't upset them. Also telling them might be a good idea if you don't think they'd be weird about it.
    Are your gay friends biphobic? If they're not I'd just tell them and explain about your relationship with the woman (not necessarily going into specifics unless you wanted to) and maybe say how her making fun of your sexuality hurt you, which might make them more sympathetic. If they're biphobic being around them might not be a good idea for your general happiness anyway and maybe you should find some bi friends. If you want to stay around them even though they're biphobic then maybe just hit on boys around them (which you're more comfortable with anyway).
    Overall though I don't think you need to rush into anything or feel guilty about not coming out. This is self discovery and you're not really hiding anything from anyone if you don't know yourself. If you do reach a point when you feel you have something you are comfortable to share ( a girlfriend, conclusive thoughts about your sexuality etc.) then share then. No need to rush.
     
  3. dwelefan

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    Well I have some biphobic gay friends. Not all but some. I wish I could make some bi friends but I really don't know how to go about it. Even though I live in a big city, I don't know of any bi groups to join. I will have to do some online searching. I never really have looked lol but I have never heard anybody talk about them. My main concern is that if someone was to ask me what my sexuality is then I don't know what to tell them. People at my work assume I am gay because, at my age, most people have settled down and had kids and I don't have that.

    I just feel like at age 33 I should have a better grip on my sexuality. Most people struggle with this stuff when they were in their teens and 20's. I think if I was dating a girl then it would be easier to come out to the people in my life. I just worry about what my parents would think. My dad cried when I came out as gay.
     
  4. Sultane

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    I feel like at any age people feel they should have had it figured out earlier, known from birth but sexuality really does change. I certainly felt needlessly guilty when I told people I was gay then changed it to bi and then didn't know what to say. I think it sounds vey cliché when people say "stop putting us in boxes" but for some of us it really is true. Maybe the trick to losing all that stress and worrying by just forgetting about it and just kind of stumbling upon our ending identity. I think it's vey hard to do but if you don't you'll find you're limiting yourself to one gender because you've given yourself a label you feel you need to stick to. For now the old standard of 'queer' or 'I don't use labels might be your best friend.
    As for your parents your coming out seemed to upset them so maybe telling them you're bisexual might in a kind of sad way make them less upset. I've noticed that parents with bi kids tend to weirdly just hope their kid will end up with the opposite gender and a "normal" life. This kind of gives them a shot you'll end up with a woman if being gay is the thing that upset them. This might give you other problems but certainly solves your current one.
    Overall though I've really got to assure you that you shouldn't have to feel guilty over not having the complete works of your sexuality to offer to anyone who asks. Asking someone what their sexuality is if they don't now is like stopping someone to ask them personally what they think the main purpose of their life is and if they're fulfilling it. Just. Too. Complicated. No one's supposed to understand completely it's too much to ask. Go, have fun and experiment, and see where you end up.(*hug*)
     
  5. dwelefan

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    *hugs* thank you
     
  6. Inky

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    I don't think it really matters what anyone else thinks because their opinion shouldn't have any implications on your sexuality. You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you truly feel or to whom you're attracted to. When you're ready and comfortable, you can choose to open up about this part of you to the people in your life, but you should never feel bad or pressured into sharing this when your heart feels it isn't ready, even when you're at age 33.

    Also, in regards to informing everyone in your life about your sexual orientation (because people from various areas of your life hold different understandings of your sexuality), I think this is perfectly normal. When coming out, its not like you send an email memo to everyone relevant in your life informing them of your sexuality nuance by nuance. That would be silly! It takes time, trust and the opportunity to share (when you're ready to approach this). :slight_smile: