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I want to identify myself

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by tonylee, Feb 13, 2016.

  1. tonylee

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    For MANY years I have felt a sexual urge to have sex with a man. I read a post yesterday and it inspired me to write. He just listed everything about his feelings as bullet points and I want to try and do the same.

    - I have always been ONLY attracted to woman
    - I have identified sexually as straight
    - I have identified emotionally as straight
    - I do not look at guys in public sexually
    - I fantasize about being with a guy sexually more than woman
    - I watch more gay porn but sometimes lesbian porn
    - I fantasize about pleasing a guy with kissing and hugging and touching
    - I fantasize about everything sexually with a guy
    - I try to go a few days or a week without the need to fantasize about being with a guy
    - I usually feel a little ashamed after I orgasm - less lately
    - I am divorced and currently not in any relationship
    - I sometimes think I am missing out not try it with a man
    - When I think of penetration, I think of it as I am kissing him
    - When I take the Kinsey Scale test, I get a 2
    - I have had only 2 quick experiences in 20 years.
    - But my fantasy is to spend a whole night with many orgasms - lots of kissing/contact.

    I would love to discuss this and bring my feelings to a more realistic level.
     
  2. HammerHorror

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    I relate a lot to many of the things you listed. I don't check guys out in public ever really. I had a moment recently at a party talking with a guy where I thought he was pretty cute, but it was only after I had talked with him for a bit and made a connection that I noticed this.

    When I fantasize about men it's never with images or porn, it's mostly me thinking of having sex with a particular person and what we are doing and such. With women it's different, it's much more intense and usually involves images (don't really watch straight porn much either).


    So my attractions towards both sexes feel different. I'm still questioning things myself.
     
  3. tonylee

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    Thanks… Now that I wrote this, I think if I focused on checking out a guy or two in public, I think I might get aroused. I just never let myself do that. Years ago, when I felt comfortable talking with a guy on the internet I would send him a pic and ask him if I had the gay look. I really wanted them to say yes. Weird, huh?
     
  4. HammerHorror

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    Not at all! It just sounds like you are wondering if guys will find you attractive. You've gone out with only women before so it's new territory you are exploring.
     
  5. tonylee

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    Thanks. When I was on those forums I would always talk about what I would do with a guy, what I fantasized about, etc. And then I would always say "And I don't even know if I am Bi". I usually got some responses like No, you're not…you're gay. How can I be gay if I have only had female relationships - sexually and emotionally. And never had a male relationship…and the thought of having an emotional one freaks me out..almost disgusts me…then I think I would like kissing and pleasing him. The ultimate confused. The more these fingers type the sillier it seems. I have always said my interest in having sex with a guy was purely for the kick or kinky or naughty or taboo. Can you be straight and think those things? I have not been able to organs in a woman in years. The last time I did, I think I was thinking of a guy. Can it all be just taboo?
     
  6. HammerHorror

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    I think it's probably more than a taboo thing for you at this point. I have no opinion on what your orientation is, nor is that for me to judge. You are obviously attracted to men sexually, but as far as personal/emotional stuff goes that's still up in the air. Maybe you should consider going out with a guy. Have you thought about online dating?
     
  7. hopelesslylost

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    That was my post! I'm glad it inspired you. I hope writing about your feelings and discussing them with likeminded will be as beneficial for you as it was for me.

    Based on what you've written it sounds like you and I have pretty similar feelings. I think I might be a little more self actualized about what I like but that's only because I've experimented enough to really be aware of what my turn ons truly are. That's not a bad thing though. We have our whole lives for self discovery. And being single you are in a great position to explore freely without having to worry about hurting anyone. So step out there and do just that!

    While I think you need to find your own path to discovery... I'd like to give you examples of things that truly helped me figure out what I really like sexually and romantically and to differentiate between the two very different types of attraction.

    Firstly, accept the fact that at least to some extent you are sexually attracted to the same sex. I believe you've somewhat accepted that based on what you listed... but your first self-fact in the list was you have always been "ONLY" attracted to women. Based on most of the other self-facts you listed this is obviously not true. At least not sexually. So unless you meant you're only romantically attracted to women or you've just recently started having sexual thoughts towards men then be honest with yourself. Tell yourself you are attracted to women and men. And that's ok. After that if you feel the need to define the extent of attraction to each then by all means do so. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to both sexes. I can't emphasize this enough.

    Secondly, find someone you trust and can confide in to talk to. A girlfriend, one of your boys, a respected professor... just someone you know and that you know would never say anything to anyone without you being ok with it. While these forums help tremendously, I can't even begin to explain how much weight is lifted off of your shoulders from sharing your secret with just one person who is actually part of your life. I understand that sometimes this is just not an option. If that's the case then I would suggest maybe seeing a counselor or therapist. If that's not an option either then an online forum will have to do. But in all honesty, until I spoke to an actual person I never felt a sense of relief. I found the forum to be a great tool to figure out my feelings and discuss them with others... but if you're feeling the same weight I did and you're anything like me that won't feeling won't go away until you bring it into your real life by talking about it with some sort of trusted confidant who knows you personally.

    And lastly, exploring relationships with men and women and then coming out as gay and living my life as 100% gay for the two years I did really helped me figure out what I really liked sexually and romantically. Again, I know this isn't always a possibility. Fortunately for me I was living in Austin at that time. A place where it's very socially acceptable to be gay. And there's a really nice sized and fun gay scene there. If would've never decided to come out as gay and to live my life that way I would've never known for sure whether or not my romantic and sexual attractions to women were real. Or if they were just what society was telling me I should feel towards women. During this time I truly lived as a homosexual male. I had a boyfriend for almost a year. I had several other more short term boyfriends. I slept around. Etc. I did not try to pursue any type of relationships with women. And all my friends and employer knew because I identified as gay. Even though I was having a ton of fun and great sex my feelings for females never went away. I was still checking them out even when I tried not to. I still felt sexually attracted to them. And was drawn to them romantically. After a couple of years I was able to say to myself I am sexually attracted to men and women. I knew what I liked and did not like. And I had a better idea of what I really wanted in life. At this point I knew I wasn't gay. I knew I was bisexual, or at least some form of, and decided to open myself up to the possibility of dating women and men again. While I never felt that I really fit under the true bisexual label I did know without any doubt what I liked and disliked. And from there with much time, thinking and recent help from this forum I was able to come up with my own label, based of of existing labels and the combination of, that I feel fits me. Well at least as good as any ever will. I am a heteromantic homosexual with bisexual tendencies. And that helped me truly understand myself and what I want out of life.

    A few questions I think you might want to ask yourself. Please don't feel obligated to respond to any. As I said I think these are for you to ask yourself. If you need or want to discuss your answers then I'm all ears.

    1. Are you romantically attracted to women?
    2. Are you romantically attracted to men?
    3. If you answered yes to both, do you lean more to romantic attraction towards men or women?
    4. Are you really sexually attracted to women?
    5. Do you feel society plays a role on the extent you are attracted to men and whether or not you accept this a a legitimate attraction?
    6. What do you want out of a relationship and what do you picture when you think about being in love 20 years from now?
     
  8. tonylee

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    Thank you BOTH. I was gone from this site for 2 days because after I wrote and read the other night, and released some tension, I went right to sleep after feeling the guilty feeling after a climax of picturing myself in some act with him. Then in the morning I was happy that I once again did not act on my fantasy to meet and experiment with a guy .. whew… It was fun talking about it but I am completely attracted physically and romantically - to woman.
    Even yesterday…once or twice, I looked at guys with the intent of testing to see if I would be attracted physically…nope. Nothing. I know that for sure. And every time I saw a woman that was even just slightly attractive, I had feelings of wanting.

    But I signed back on tonight - maybe for the taboo or kicks. I immediately came here to look if anyone has responded. I have no idea why…but when you both intimated that it might be more than taboo … it made me feel good. Not bad. That confuses me.

    If you both said lets all go to a gay bar together and mingle and integrate, I would say that is a huge turn off to me. If either of you were anywhere near slightly attractive and caring and empathetic and - yes - affectionate and either said…no, lets not meet at the bar…how about we just go to dinner and talk and then talk back out my or your place and cuddle and see where it goes, IT WOULD go somewhere…I would love it, I think…and then feel very very guilty. Ewe the thought of leaving a love note…but I'll put my arms around and kiss you til we both can't stand it…

    Then go home and chat up the girl I am about to ask out (we met online).

    One thing I didn't say in my original post is that I hung around older guys as a kid and once 3 or 4 of my guy friends (1-2 years older) made me let them stick their penis in my mouth…for only a second…as sort of a ritual to stay in their friendship. At least that's how I remember it. I have wondered if that is why I started fantasizing having sex…and that morphing into affectionate fantasies…

    And now sitting here trying to analyze all these thoughts…I experiment with my feelings: WouldI like to help a guy orgasm - and how would I feel…my answer right now is it would please me. oye.

    Yet, I now no desire what so ever to have even a friendship with a f(&% buddy.

    All weird. Thanks for letting me express myself.