So this is my first time posting here, I just joined the forum because I thought maybe you guys could help. So as of recently, I'm not sure why but suddenly a turmoil started inside of me where... I'm just confused about everything, one of them being my sexuality. To start off because I'm guessing this could be essential info is that I'm 16 next month and female, so you can probably guess where this is going :b I might seem all over the place, I apologize and if any clarification is needed as to what my problem is, don't hesitate to say This honestly has been an issue since I was really young, but I guess I just shoved away without second thought, but recently it's come in full force. I'm not exactly sure when it started since my memory isn't the best, but the earliest might've been when I was 10 years old when I first noticed that girls were...nice. I'm not sure how to explain it the best, since I can't recall really my feelings when I was a kid, but I was subtly attracted to girls at this time. It wasn't on par with how I would have crushes on guys, it was something in the background lingering seemingly waiting for the right time to come out. For years to come, I would constantly think "Am I attracted to girls?" but I would immediately push it out of my mind, almost denying it and I still do to this day. My problem I guess is that I don't know if this really is nothing but me just over-thinking my thoughts, or am I actually attracted to girls in that way? It's not that I completely don't like guys, because that's wrong especially considering I've had a few crushes just recently. But I have separate feelings for each I guess. When I see boys, I focus a lot on features and that's what pulls me in, whether it be their face, voice etc. and the crushes I have are usually short lived with 2 months being the longest, a week the usual. But for guys, all I can ever imagine is just me having a crush on them, I can never imagine me dating a guy. Yeah I'll have crushes, but I don't want to date them or even just have a physical relationship with them. When I daydream about guys I never imagine myself, it's always just a different girl. Girls on the other hand, I don't know why but I could imagine myself there with one, doing all kind of relationship stuff. Another weird thing is that in movies/tv shows, whenever a straight couple had sex or were making out, I'd be unphased, but when it came to two girls doing it... I just felt the need to be on my phone, distract myself from watching it. I don't know if it's because I like it but I don't want to admit it? The thing that made me go all ???? about this so suddenly in the first place was this dream I had. Basically in it, I was dating a female friend (funny how even in the dream I was hiding it from my mom I remember that) and I was just really lovey dovey to be it simply. Just the fact that I couldn't forget I had it was a huge red alert for me since I always forget dreams (and of course the fact I had the dream in the first place). What made me want to seek some advice was when I saw two girls I know get in a relationship and this feeling of want came in me that wow I want to be in a relationship, I want to get to know someone, I want to love someone, but do I want to do this with a girl? What confuses me the most is why am I denying it if I do like girls that way. People constantly ask if I like girls, which has to do with the fact that I'm a tomboy I guess and dress more "boyish". My mom, sister and best friend have all straight up asked if I was gay and each time I would immediately answer no. It's not even out of fear, my mom and sister have repeatedly said (my sister says this maybe once a month) that they would still love me no matter who I like, but I still deny deny deny. If I do like girls, why am I so scared to admit it? TL;DR I think I do like girls but I'm always denying it, even if it does seem kind of obvious so why? Is it just me overthinking or do I actually like girls. I know in the end it's up to me to decide, but I've had this confusion with me for lots of years that I'm so confused that I don't know what the answer is. I just want to finally figure out what this is.
You might be a lesbian and one each you come out to yourself it gets better at least that's how it happens for me
i was the exact same as you. for a while i had these feelings and i too would push them away, hide them and ignore them hoping they would go away. it took me a lot time to realize you cannot hide your feelings because they make you who you are even if they are confusing. spend some time alone and just think to yourself. is this what i want and if what you say about your family is true then there is no problem. even if you are not you will still have support. talk to someone and then look within yourself and you will be loved.
