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I think I'm a lesbian.. In a straight relationship help!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by AnonymousMe, Feb 17, 2016.

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  1. AnonymousMe

    AnonymousMe
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    I'm a 24 year old, cis female. For years I thought I was bisexual or pansexual I've had a lot of straight sex but it's just not what I crave anymore its totally undesirable to me, I want to be with women (or nonbinary, gender fluid) people in regards to love and sex and I'm not interested in men at all.

    But!!! I'm also in a hetro relationship(5 years) I consider him my best friend I love him but I'm not IN love with him (we haven't had sex in over a year but that's unrelated, trust me) it would be so easy to just marry him have his children (I just can't get passed the need for a biological child and this would be so easy) he's kind, generous and so understanding as he knows all about this struggle I'm having, what he doesn't know is sometimes I only feel like I'm with him because it's what's easy... I'm struggling so hard I think I'm 100% lesbian but at the same time I'm just not sure it's so scary am I in denial? Wtf do I do? It's super comfortable to be with him but... So easy... Help?

    full disclosure I've been sexually active with other women a few times before but never had the chance to date or fall in love with a women, I don't even know if I'm capable of falling in love with anyone :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2016 at 12:27 AM ----------

    I kinda just feel like.. Would it be so bad to be married have the kids I dream of but be a lesbian too... It hurts and it's confusing I love him but... Do I?
     
    #1 AnonymousMe, Feb 17, 2016
  2. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    Do you have to be married to have kids?
    And while you say the no sex is unrelated, it is necessary if you want to have kids with him....unless you're planning on the proverbial turkey baster?
     
    #2 Distant Echo, Feb 17, 2016
  3. AnonymousMe

    AnonymousMe
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    I wouldn't want kids for at least another 3 years so I didn't really think about the sex factor, I don't feel like I have to be married to have kids but I've just always assumed I'd marry him eventually I guess.
     
    #3 AnonymousMe, Feb 17, 2016
  4. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    Hmmm assumed I'd marry him I guess.

    You both deserve more than I guess...
     
    #4 Distant Echo, Feb 17, 2016
  5. AnonymousMe

    AnonymousMe
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    I know, I've told him that if it wasn't for him I'd be dating women he knows I love him but not in love with him and he says he loves me and wants to be with me even if it means I date other people too but I don't want to date more than one person. It's hard because I do love him.. But I'm almost positive I'm a lesbian this is the only thing not making me 100% sure.
     
    #5 AnonymousMe, Feb 17, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2016
  6. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    Sounds like he's clinging on tbh. Anyone is better than being alone.
    I think it's time to reveal why the lack of sex..could explain why he wants to stay with you?
     
    #6 Distant Echo, Feb 17, 2016
  7. AnonymousMe

    AnonymousMe
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    He's had some personal issues, losing his job and his mother had a stroke and an issue with courts so stress basically and it's caused him to become temporarily asexual I guess would be the way to put it.
     
    #7 AnonymousMe, Feb 17, 2016
  8. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    Ok...so you're thinking that two people who don't want to have sex should marry and have kids...

    Ummm...sorry...but what?

    You're friends...not even friends with benefits...
     
    #8 Distant Echo, Feb 17, 2016
  9. AnonymousMe

    AnonymousMe
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    We love each other and sex isn't everything? .. Do you not think asexual people can get married? wow didn't expect that kind of ignorance, judgment or erasure here.

    ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2016 at 01:50 AM ----------

    I might as well just deleted this whole thread I wanted help in working out what to do of if I'm gay or what's even going on and all you're doing is judging and also acting like sex defines a relationship
     
    #9 AnonymousMe, Feb 17, 2016
  10. Distant Echo

    Distant Echo
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    No, you've misunderstood me. You were talking about having kids....but neither of you is interested in having sex....and as for the marriage...you think you're lesbian...

    It's not about him being asexual....it's about you thinking you're lesbian...and wanting kids with someone who, by definition, isn't sexual....

    I think you have a lot of thinking to do.

    ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2016 at 08:56 PM ----------

    As someone who did what I thought I was meant to do, hetero relationship, the kids etc. the I guess we'll get married.....

    You need to sort yourself out first, and he needs to sort himself out too...could there be another reason for his lack of interest in sex...
     
    #10 Distant Echo, Feb 17, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2016
  11. AnonymousMe

    AnonymousMe
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    Well yeah that's why I'm here I have a lot of thinking to do and it's confusing so I wanted help but now I just feel even worse.

    Is it so awful if I have kids with someone who is my best friend and I love even if I'm gay? Is it hard? Will I always feel like I'm missing something? Probably.. But I do love him so am I even a lesbian if I love a man? If he didn't exist I wouldn't be with a man though.. On one hand I could be relatively happy living a closeted life because it's easy and nice and comfortable.... But it's also painful to not be me?
     
    #11 AnonymousMe, Feb 17, 2016
  12. Distant Echo

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    My concern is that this might be the easy way out for both of you...and not right for either...

    Take away your desire for kids. Take away the marriage idea. Take away the sex. What you have is your friend. Your best friend for sure, but your friend.

    Maybe you could both be happy with someone else but still be friends?
     
    #12 Distant Echo, Feb 17, 2016
  13. AnonymousMe

    AnonymousMe
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    It would kill me to see him with someone else I don't think we could be friends if we broke up we've been inseparable for 7 years as friends and together for almost 5. I hate to say it but I feel like the only reason I'm not embracing the fact I'm gay is that it would mean losing my best friend, becoming single, having to find a place for us to live separately, not having kids with someone and all the things I thought I'd have.. Or thought I needed.. It's scary coming out.. As an adult.. In a relationship.. It's just really really hard.
     
    #13 AnonymousMe, Feb 17, 2016
  14. Distant Echo

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    Yeah it is...and it's too early for you to make decisions...
    When I joined here I was fresh out, in a relationship with a male, with kids, and much older than you. Now I'm single, happy, and it only took me almost nine years to accept myself...

    Give yourself time....just be careful of the marriage and kids,because that makes things so very hard...
     
    #14 Distant Echo, Feb 17, 2016
  15. TomboyGoth

    TomboyGoth
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    Okay, as i see it, you are certain that you are indeed a lesbian. And it seems like that to me too. I'm also in a same kind of a situation except i'm already married (and still questioning). You don't have to make the same mistakes i did. I should have recognized my feelings before because there certainly were signs.

    What comes to love i think it's natural that you love your boyfriend. Because falling in love happens mostly quick but living a life and having good experiences and hardships with someone strengthens that bond and love grows over time. So it is only natural that you feel love towards him.

    Thinking about future can be very scary. I definitely have freaked out completely when i have been thinking about divorce and what comes next. But the thing is, you have to take small steps and one at a time. Lots of other people have broken up and everything ended up being fine in the end.

    And while you might think that you can live in a relationship without any sexual interest and have children, you cannot make that decision for someone else. Your boyfriend deserves a partner who wants him every way. At least you have to talk with him before marrying him. If you both feel the same and understand the situation, then i guess it is ok. But be warned, at some point in your life might come a day when all that just isn't enough anymore and you or your boyfriend wants more. And then it is harder to separate when you have a mortgage and children. And as i have been thinking lately, it's better to separate earlier and start an independent life than wait that you are 50 or 60 years old and it's a lot harder. Then it's also harder to find a new partner if you then desire so.

    If you truly are like best friends you might even come out of this as friends. And when there is zero sexual tension between you too, you might have really fun times being just friends and doing stuff you both enjoy.
     
    #15 TomboyGoth, Feb 17, 2016
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