I grew up in a Christian family and didn't know what "gay" meant till about 7th grade. I never saw two people of the same gender kiss until 8th grade. My parents told me that being gay was wrong, foreign, unnatural, and a sin just as much as murder. I never doubted my sexuality but I don't know whether it was because I didn't know it existed or because it was never there. In fourth grade I had my first crush on a boy and I liked him till about 8th grade. I've only liked about 3-5 guys my whole life. I've never liked a guy if I just look at him. My friends see a guy shirtless with abs and go crazy. I see a guy with abs and just think "he has abs wow I need to workout. I want abs" I've never had a crush on a male celebrity. I think I like a guys mind and personality more. I can see spending the rest of my life with a guy... Maybe... But sex? Idk I used to be into it but then I realized that girls are way better. In 9-10 grade I was still homophobic but then I started to see more and more same sex couples and I finally turned away from my parents super Christian values. A couple months later it just sorta hit me. Girls are hot. I've always looked at girls more then boys. I used to stare at my one teachers boobs for just a bit too long and girls have always been more physically appealing. But don't all girls feel that way? At first I couldn't imagine having sex with a girl but I still kinda wanted to if that makes any sense but now it's all I can think about. But what if I made my self gay/ bi? I know it sounds rediculous and shallow but I love the gay community and felt the need to rebell. I forced my self to think about girls at first but now I've found that I've been forcing my self to think about boys. When I started thinking about the possibility of being bi/ gay a couple things started to click. I remember being about 6/7 and asking my mom if it was normal to stare at girls. She said I wanted to be like them so i started to imitate them. Looks by back I relize that I didn't want to be like them at all. Or maybe I did? Maybe I'm forcing myself to be gay? I started watching oitnb a couple months back and I was super turned on. I could imagine dating about five of the inmates. But what girl wouldn't right? Maybe? When I look at girls and guys on the street I've started thinking would I date them? Have sex with them? With most girls the answer is no (it's becoming yes more and more often though) but the majority of the time when I answer yes it's a girl that looks gay (I know that being gay doesn't meen u look a certain way but you know short hair girls or the hipster looking ones... Never the girls you would see on tumbler the super stereotycal white girls that I feel like every guy Finds attractive)when I ask myself the same question with guys I can kinda see being with a lot of them but I'm not really into it. I feel like I'm on a train becoming gayer and gayer and I'm going crazy. What if I made myself like girls and snap out of what ever stage I'm in? What if I'm straight? I know I don't have to come out right now but I want to be able to tell my friends that I think that girl over there is hot (which I know is a stupid reason to come out) I feel like I'm hiding part of myself but then there's part of me saying that I made this whole thing up. I think I have a crush on my friend and I've thought about girls that I've only a seen a couple times. Is part of the problem that i don't see enough girls my type or that I'm really straight? I've been questioning my sexuality for about 8/9 months if that helps I'm sorry I just wrote a book that made no sense but I needed to just get it out there. If u could help that would be awesome!!!!!!
Yes, I relate to most of this, apart from that my family aren't hugely religious but my mother is quite homophobic and I was quite terrified of the idea of lesbians for quite a while. As I've accepted the idea of lesbians being okay, and allowed myself to open up to attraction to girls, my interest in guys has waned and what initally seemed like messing around with the idea of liking girls has become a serious thing, with some quite emotional crushes. And strangely my interest in guys is waning, yet I don't have a problem with the idea of dating a guy... but I sort of don't actively want to any more. I'm never quite sure whether I'm just having a girl obsessed phase or I'm a lesbian in denial, and whats real at all any more... Yep I understand your worries (and I also love OITNB). I call myself a bisexual, just leaning towards the girls. You don't have to be 50/50 to be bisexual and I feel like I still have enough attraction to guys that I couldn't call myself a lesbian. Despite my worries about how weirdly all this has crept up on me, whenever I doubt myself about my feelings towards girls I just think about it this way: If loving girls and the idea of being with a girl makes you happy, and you are want to have sex with them, then that's all that matters. That means your feelings are something you should be true to in order to be your happiest self. And that should be the most important thing in determining your orientation, not any other self-anylsing rubbish. At least, that's how I rationalise my feelings.
Hi Micas, *smile* Man, I wish I'd been able to ask the same questions you have when I was your age. I, too, was raised in an environment where anything other than a heterosexual, one-person-for-life marriage was a reprehensible sin. It took me until last year to realize I'm bisexual... (and if you check my age, you'll probably choke). One thing I believe, in reading your message, is that you are *not straight*. Maybe you're bisexual. Maybe you're lesbian. But, a person who shares a story like yours is not someone who's made up your attraction to the same gender. It's real. And, we don't really choose who we are attracted to; we can't manufacture attraction that isn't there. It sounds like you experienced same-sex attraction before you even knew that was a thing, and then, because of your religious understandings and your parents' guidance away from believing you could be queer, you wrote off your feelings as "what everyone feels" (not true!), or you tried to suppress them, or deny that they might be real. It's totally, one hundred percent okay to accept you are made this way. It's also a journey to figure out who you like. You're young! Attraction is new. It can take time to figure it all out. (My fingers are crossed for you it doesn't take you as long as it did me.) Keep asking questions. Keep looking around and letting yourself figure it out. I hope this helps.
