Hello im making this post to hopefully help others and let people know my issue Starting a month and a half ago i started questioning my sexaulity due to the fact that i seen a tv show were a man tested his self with by watching gay porn. I then tested my self with the same method even though this was very stupid because porn doesnt really choose your sexuality. So i did so and did not enjoy it i looked at it and it brought me great fear and was not pleasing me by looking at it. Keep in mind i dont have problems with people that enjoy same sex relationships or any sort of that kind of stuff. Once seeing that i didint get a erection i thought i was in the clear and i was straight and went on with life for a week feeling fine. And then one morning waking up and having the fear that i was gay even though my whole life have been attracted to woman and fantasies about woman. Ill be honest i had crushes/admired some guys from tv shows mainly because they were badass and were good looking i never wanted to sleep with them or doing anything like that mainly just the thought of being them or having there looks appealed to me. So getting on with the fear of being gay continued for a week untill i told my mom and she told me if i dont actually want to be with a man and dont feel like that then how could i be gay for a little bit this helped but i started going crazy looking at HOCD stories and thoughts would be on my mind 24/7 with the fears of being gay. Let me tell you guys when i was 13 i was diagnosed with Anxiety and depression which had ran in my family my father has had phobia anxiety his whole life and my mother has extreme ocd. I starting taking medicine when i was 13 all the way up intill i turned 17 in october i was on paxil and then thought i didint need it no more after being on it for 2 years i thought i could go off my medicine cold turkey with out help of the docter i then stopped my meds and therapy and in october and was fine for a couple months and thats when i starting questioning my sexuallity. This might be a little hard to keep up with but bare with me. Starting back at the point were i was obessing i would test my self 24/7 this never really helped for long though i would watch coming out stories to compare my side to theres and it never match i never had a real crush on guys in fact my first crush was in the first grade there was this girl i loved and i was young but i know that it was real just by how much i would love to think about her and think about us being boyfriend and girlfriends yes yes i know im i was young but it im pretty sure it was real. Also anothing thing i would like to mention is that my family is very fine with what who ever i would date whether is was a boy or girl but for the most part this was not my fear the fear was about me it was the fact that i love woman and want to have a girlfriend and cuddle with them get married have kids but i did not feel like this with men the thought of me cuddling with a guy is not appealing or holding hands or taking a guy on a date is just not me. So basically what im trying to say is my fear wasent much of what people would think of me it was more of a fear of the how i looked at it for myself because i didnt want to live this lifestyle. Now i know some people might so but if you dont like men and dont want to be with one why would you fear it... well when you have anxiety its hard to work with your brain and say okay okay this is not real. Okay so i started therapy and medicine again and im on paxil and meeting my therapist and she tells me theres no sign that im gay or in denial she then begin to tell me that most people that are in denial are like that because there religious beliefs or there family thoughts of them and fearing that they will be disowned and which has never bothered me alot because my family is very supporting. So ive still been getting crazy thoughts and still have fear of being in the denial at moments but the anxiety is alot better due to the fact that im on paxil and feel confident that im straight. Now i told my therapist the truth im 17 and never kissed a girl or had a serious girlfriend because im pretty bad with my confidence and i droped out of school so i never really got the chance even though i would love to. She asked me is one of the fears you have because you never actually been with a girl so you wouldint know how you feel about it and this was a big fear for me even though im pretty sure i would love it. I told her i dont want to be one of those people that live there whole life with a woman and have kids and then leave there family for a man even though i dont feel like i would do that and never wanted to be with a man thats where the ocd and anxiety comes in. Also again i dont have a problem with people that lived a straight life and then came out i just dont want this for my self. Okay so this next part is a little graphic so beware. A couple months back when i was 16 i was watching porn like everyday and was watching really weird stuff sometimes i would masterbate twice in one day from watching mostly straight porn to bdsm and some transgender porn but never full gay porn Yes transgender porn now before you get any thoughts let me explain. I never watched transgender because of the fact there is two "males" i never focused on there genitals and skipped the parts of oral i mostly watched it because of the anal sex which i also watched with straight porn. Okay so now thats the graphic part is over we can get back to the normal talk i then stopped watching transgender porn and never had the urge to watch it or actually meet a transgender in real life it didint intrest me it was just the porn i could never actually see my self with a transgender. I found post on websites were people said they watch gay porn and are straight and lesbians that watch straight females but are lesbian this then help me when i started think about that i used to watch transgender porn and this might be a sign of my sexuallity even though like i said porn does not really indicate what your intrested in. Okay so ive been having some good days and some bad days the all the thoughts are still there on my good days but i can control them better when im having a bad day they seem to control me but i still ask myself even though this fear seems so real could i really see my self laying in bed with a etc and i honestly i cant and begin to snap out of it and feel okay again. My therapist tells me that im going to be okay and i have to have hope and things will feel normal again. Im sorry if this seems all over the place i just wanted to make sure i cover everything and i know my spelling is not great but i really want to help others and see the type of response i get. Also one last thing lol this might be a bit off topic but i notice that my therapist is really attracting and she is a female ... dont let your thoughts control you This site has really helped me and feel good when i see that other people also question there sexaullity Feel free to message me or leave your comments I hope this helps others :smilewave
