So my boyfriend and I have decided to get married. We're looking to make the official announcement in the next few months. Anyway, we're both committed to our religion and thus sex was something reserved for marriage. Now that I am preparing to marry him, the thought of having sex with him has finally entered my mind. On one hand, I don't look at him and desire to have sex. However, I am finding that I slightly look forward to the idea of physical pleasure and emotional closeness that sex is supposed to bring. This doesn't seem right coming from someone who has always identified as asexual. I still don't really find him sexually attractive (as I don't find myself sexually attracted to anyone), but I am finding that the thought of having sex with him is somewhat agreeable. Am I still asexual or could I be demisexual? So confused right now!
That's so awesome that you two decided to get married. You could might as well be demisexual, but you can only figure that for yourself. Don't stress on labels. They just help to assist you and describe you and put you in a box. The only label you need is you, you are you.
Hi I'm not asexual myself but I've been told that someone can enjoy sex and be asexual. They just wouldn't be sexually attracted to the person they're having sex with, or anyone else (like you described). If you are demisexual, it means that you could only feel sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond with someone. Since you said that you don't feel sexual attraction towards him, I'd say that you're asexual and not demisexual. I could be wrong, demisexuality is still a possibility and you should just identify as whatever feels comfortable Maybe you are demisexual and it's only starting to become clear now that you've formed a very close bond with someone. So, I'm guessing that you're asexual but I might be wrong. Hope I've helped, even if only a little bit. Questioning might take some time but you'll figure it out eventually Good luck!
hi, What difference does it make? You love the guy enough to enter into a committed relationship with him. Unless of course you want to be able to describe your sexual nature to others the label is useless. The real question is do you love him enough to be demonstrable physically? It would be hard to believe that you haven't kissed him yet. If those kisses were very chaste, ignore my next question. What was your physical reaction to the kissing? If it was thrilling then all of the other physical demonstrations will heighten that reaction even more.
As Spot mentioned, you can be asexual and still enjoy sex. There are different types, if you will, of asexuality. This is from what I have researched on my own, so feel free to look up this information for your own after. But what I have seen is that there are asexuals who are sex-repulsed (me being under this definition) and there are others who still enjoy sex. The main definition for asexuality is that you do not feel sexual attraction for people. Now, as you specified that you do not feel sexual attraction, I would say you are still asexual. But demisexual could also be a possibility. If you are planning on marrying this boy, then it's clear you have a strong emotional bond. One question I do have, have you ever had a strong emotional bond to anyone previous to this boy? If so, did you get the same feelings then? As others have mentioned, labels are not too big of a deal. You are who you are, and you like who you like. But if it's something you really want to help you figure yourself out, only you can truly figure it out for your own, but we'll all be here to help you on your way I wish you all the best and congratulations
Don't worry about the labels, they don't matter. If you are getting married, then it's really nobody's business what either of you identify as; you have each other, and that's what matters. You're clearly not asexual according to the widely used definition (the above poster is talking about unrecognized definitions used only by a tiny-but-loud group of people trying to push their own unrecognized definition), so I wouldn't bother trying to worry about it or mess with it. All that really matters is that you're a loving, soon-to-be-married couple who care about each other.
Well, I'm not entirely sure what definition it is you're looking at Chip, but I think you may need to update your sources.
Nope. Not sure where you're pulling that definition, but it doesn't match the widely accepted definition, and even if it did, it wouldn't apply to the OP as you've represented above. The definition I'm using is the one most commonly cited in the (limited) literature on the topic, which comes from Anthony Bogaert's "Asexuality: Prevalence and Associated Factors in a National Probability Sample" (J. Sex Research, 41:3): Bogert further refined his definition, limiting it to people who answered "yes" to the statement "I hvae never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all", and there are additional references to the hardwired nature of sexual orientations (asexual, bisexual, homosexual). We can also look at Michael Storms, whose definition, quoted in Theories of Sexual Orientation (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 38:5) is widely cited as among the seminal definitions for the term: "Individuals who are not attracted to either sex". Bogert goes further, but if we take both of these together, we have a pretty clear and unambiguous picture. It really depends on what we're after. If we're using a widely-recognized definition that just about everyone credible associated with the field would use or find acceptable, then the above two definitions are excellent guidance, as there's no real disagreement among credible professionals. If, on the other hand, we're willing to accept a definition crafted by a random group of people who have gotten together and collectively decided on a definition, without any basis in research or science then... the definition can be whatever you want it to be. And in fact, that's what we find when we use these ungrounded definitions. Practically anyone's experience can be made to fit within the broad confines of the unrecognized definitions, and that's the inherent problem.
The world isn't black and white. If you're explaining your feelings to someone over coffee or so, just go with what terms fit the best and take it from there. Congrats on getting hitched!! I wish you all the best.
Hey, just chiming in here as an asexual who doesn't always hate the idea of having sex. I waited until marriage to have sex as well. In that relationship and others (i'm divorced now) I did desire the emotional closeness it can facilitate. I even had a relationship where we had lots and lots of sex which I did not dislike. All the same, I never experienced sexual attraction. 100% ace. You don't have to be sex-repulsed or sex-averse to be asexual. You don't have to be lacking a sex drive either, just without sexual sexual attraction. Heck, plenty of people experience sexual attraction but don't want to have sex or avoid having sex for any number of reasons, it follows that one could want to have sex without also experiencing sexual attraction (like, you can want food and enjoy eating even if you're not hungry) Anyway, congrats on future hitched-ness! And if it turns out you *are* demi and *are* experiencing sexual attraction, it would be cool to know how you figured out that's what it was.
