Hi. I'm posting here as I'm hoping I can get some advice on matters surrounding my sexuality, but if not, just a place to write down the feelings I can't express. To clear up any potential confusion, I'm female. At around 14-15, I remember being really nervous around boys. I really fancied them and there was this one guy I remember really fancying, however I didn't really know him, he was just some guy in my class. At around this time, I remembered I started watching videos on Youtube about coming out stories and "It Gets Better" videos, and I remember one girl on one of the videos really made me feel homosexual feelings (ill-phrased and weird, I know). So I started exploring bisexuality on the internet and came to the conclusion that I was bi, but liked boys more, so it was kind of like "I like boys 90% of the time and girls 10% of the time". I was OK with being bi, as I had it in my mind that I could just date boys and I wouldn't have to acknowledge the fact that I was attracted to girls. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work like that as I soon learnt. As I got older (I'm 20), the ratio, if you will, of which gender I liked better changed, and the percentage of the time I liked girls dominated. I definitely am attracted to girls on a sexual and romantic level - I feel I can emotionally bond with women, but not with men. With men, I am not romantically attracted to them, but I think I would like to have sex with them (i.e., sex with a penis) . However, I wouldn't be comfortable with the fact that the penis was attached to the male, though?!! And I definitely wouldn't want to cuddle/kiss. So I don't know if I'm sexually, but not romantically, attracted to men. The thing is, I have no experience with either gender whatsoever! I have never kissed, made out, had any type of sex or even held hands with anyone romantically/sexually. I can see myself with a woman in the future, but then is this really a valid conclusion to make? I know a lot of people hate labels, but being able to label what I'm feeling would be really useful to help come to terms with all of this and I really don't like the word "queer" as I really want something more specific, and it's not in common usage as a reclaimed slur in England. I'm really socially anxious and am the typical "preppy" girl who is always perceived as straight. The LGBTQ+ clubs at my college are dominated by really experienced people and don't seem welcoming - I feel like the whole "queer culture" is quite exclusive for feminine people, and it's as if I don't really have a place in that. I don't want to come out to my friends because I'm scared they're going to think I was hitting on them all this time - I'm quite close with a lot of my female friends and they are very open with me, and I think admitting that I am attracted to girls would make them feel uncomfortable around me. If anyone has been through the same situation or similar, please do let me know! And if anyone can maybe label what I've described above, I'd appreciate it a lot because to me a label is more liberating than anything else. Thanks.
In my experience I've gone with whatever feels most "right" and then grew as a person and learned more about myself and my preferences so that I could better define it. I started w/ straight (until I was about 17), bi, pan, gay, bi, gay, pan. So currently I'm saying pansexual. It was good that I had people I could discuss it with along the way who could give me insight.
I can't give you a label, but I would say, give yourself time and a chance to explore these feelings openly. A person really, really close to me thought he was straight up until he was your age. I am not an expert on sexuality, but I believe sometimes these feelings manifest themselves later in life and doesn't necessarily always correlate with the teen years. Try to focus on this instead of worrying about what other people think. The people who really matter will stay and love you for who you are no matter what happens.
