Short version: Came out as bisexual because I was left confused on why is it I still liked looking at women, then came out to others (and botched it), then came out to myself again as gay when I got hit on multiple times by women, and am angry at myself for lying to myself and convincing myself it's the truth, then lying to others. I don't even know what's real and what isn't anymore in terms of feelings. I'm angry at the fact that I was in denial for 10 years, then the emotions came back with a vengeance while I'm in medical school. I'm feeling down, am really withdrawn and am sleeping a lot. I've only started coming back from social withdrawal. Am I in a grieving process? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Long version: I first knew that something was up with me and was different when I was 13 or 14. I couldn't help but notice a guy's hairy armpits when I was on the middle school swim team. I mentioned this to my parents- they seemed a little alarmed, then I quickly shut them up by saying I was just curious. High school- well, puberty started. I started watching straight porn, then I looked up sex positions on Wikipedia and photos (rationalized I was just doing research), then watched autofellatio porn (as long as he didn't do it with another guy, it was okay). Then I switched to both gay porn and straight porn, and eventually just gay porn. I was attracted to how hairy my best friend in high school (it was an all boys school) was, then I decided it was because he was in a different stage of puberty. I had a few fantasies about him but I suppressed it. I developed a crush on a girl and asked her out to prom. Then in college, I started having sex with women and men, then eventually (two or three years ago, just men). I still kept looking at pretty women, and developed emotional crushes on them (or, at least I thought I did, I enjoyed talking to them). With the men though, I created an alias for myself to prevent anyone I hooked up with from telling any of my friends and family. At the same time, I never acknowledged I might be gay to myself or to anyone I knew. I just didn't allow it. I just decided it was a phase. Also, I was too busy studying and didn't have any time to date, nor did I want a relationship because I didn't want to find out. Moved to the DC area for medical school. Started having sex with men in the area again. Friend I realized later was gay was talking about how people cherry-picked Biblical verses to use against gay people and I felt a bit better about myself. Then the Supreme Court marriage decision happened. Deep down inside I felt happy. Then all of a sudden the emotions I repressed for so long came back with a vengeance, and after see-sawing back and forth emotionally I came out to some of my friends- to the straight friends as bisexual, but I never directly categorized myself to the gay friend (he and I just implied to each other about our sexualities and he assumed I meant gay). I was convinced I was bisexual with a preference for men. Then I had an argument with the gay friend when he discovered the discrepancies between what I told people, and he quizzed me, then informed me I was likely gay and in denial. He also asked me if I was attracted to my best friend, and I gave a reflexive answer and told him no. Two weeks ago, I got hit on by four women in a party in one night, two of whom wanted to hook up with me, and I realized how uncomfortable I felt because I knew what would happen if I went to the bedroom with them, or it wouldn't work out long-term wise. I finally came out to myself as gay the following day. I was left really confused and angry, was doing a lot of soul searching, realized I lied to myself, believed it was the truth, then lied to other people, and got even angrier at myself and believed I was a complete fake as a person, and now my friends I came out to will believe I'm a phony too. Not to mention how many guys I hooked up whom I lied to (too many) because I had a "don't have sex with people you know, don't let people you have sex with get to know you" attitude. I'm angry at myself at the fact that the emotions burst out during medical school, and now I'm about to have four exams. Then I felt depressed and was sleeping too much and eating too little. I don't even know what feelings are real and what aren't anymore, and I don't know what I believe anymore because I lied to myself. I'm now seeing an LGBT affirmative therapist, and I emailed him sounding panicky and he told me that I needed to be authentic to myself before I become authentic to others, and that lying to yourself/denial is common. So, is this a grieving process? Models I've looked at online seem to indicate that grief is a linear process, as well as coming out being a linear process, but it seems like I've been see-sawing back and forth on this.
My story is similar to yours, I tried to censor my sexuality (I almost killed it), but it kept coming back, until I finally realized and felt that horror 'Nope, this can't be me, I don't want this to be me'. Fear of being judged? The old self still trying to do the censors' job? You moving to a new place, and dealing with medical school is quite stressful alone, so I wouldn't be too quick in blaming your eating/sleeping troubles on sexuality alone. I think the therapist will help, and it was a very wise step to take, perhaps you should be a bit more gentle on yourself, just one step at a time, 'cause after being in denial for so long, it becomes a part of your personality, you just get used to say 'No' even if you say 'Yes'. It's not 'grief', it's something else...
Sexuality is fluid for some people u know. Stop panicking, and tell urself 'no matter what becomes of my orientation, it will be alright. Don't try to label it just yet, just do whatever ur heart says without any guilt. Ur doing nothing wrong. Then what should u feel guilty for? Explore, and u will come to know what's best for u. May b ur bisexual or may b ur fluid.. only u can tell that But for now, concentrate on ur exams and stop trying to put a label on urself
