I have the feeling that this post is going to be quite long but please bear with me. I live in a very small village and I’ve grown up in a religious environment where people expect you to get married and have children. Needless to say that they expect you to marry and have children with a man. However, I’m quite a rebellious person and I don’t fit in this environment. I support LGBTQ+ rights, I’ve never had a boyfriend and I don’t go to church. I’ve always had a strange relationship with guys. I don’t feel comfortable around them, I don’t know how to approach them and I’m very insecure because I don’t feel pretty enough for them to like me. I know this is very wrong but all my girl friends have always and easily had been in relationships while I find it very hard. This is why I unconsciously started to believe this was caused by my appearance. I hate the fact that I live in a society that expects you to be skinny and pretty in order to please guys and I’m very conscious about this process but it however got instilled into my mind and it is hard to go against it. I’ve always thought I didn’t have a boyfriend because I wasn’t not attractive enough but I’m slowly beginning to realise that it may be because I don’t need nor want guys to like me. I’ve always had crush on guys but I’ve never been in a relationship because it’s always been kissing (and sometimes something more) while I was at a party or in a club and usually drunk. Moreover, last summer I finally realised that I don’t feel anything when kissing a guy if I don’t have a previous romantic interest in them. It may also happen that I kiss a random guy and later develop feelings but they never become something more because I tend to pull back and ignore them. Another weird fact I’ve noticed is that I don’t have any problem in kissing a guy but I feel very awkward when they want something more and I rarely enjoy it. Last summer, I also realised that I sometimes crush on girls also. It happened while I was at a concert. I met a girl, we got on really well (I tend to get on better with women than men) and I remember thinking "I wish she kissed me". Although it didn't happen, the thought got into me and it never left. It was and it is very scary but I can’t avoid noticing more and more that I find women attractive. However, I can't imagine myself getting past kissing with a woman. Is this because of heteronormativity? Is this because society had me thinking that I should have sex only with men? How do I overcome this idea? How can I meet a girl and start dating her if I live in a place where everything gay isn’t seen as normal? How can I be sure I like women when I’ve never kissed one and I still crush on men? I know this is very common but I’m scared of talking about this with my family and friends. I’m afraid they won’t understand and they’ll hurt me with their ideas about homosexuality and bisexuality. Sorry for my very long post and thank you for reading. xx
