Hi So I keep telling myself to stop worrying about what my sexuality is and live. But as I'm housebound and I also have a lot of anxiety I find myself fixating on this a lot with no way to 'test' it and I just thought I'd explain some of how I'm feeling and see what people think? I have obsessive thinking and tend to latch on to identity and I have spent months on end thinking about this over and over every day. It's really exhausting and I don't know what to do anymore. Growing up I thought I was straight like everyone does, then when I got around 12/13 I figured I was bi. To be fair though in retrospect I don't think I had ever really been attracted to anyone. I'd fake crushes (on guys), etc. Whenever I was turned on it was usually about an idea of a guy, but I had some sexual trauma go on around this time and before so I don't know if that pushed me into associating guys with sexual thoughts along with heteronormativity. I do remember I always sought out lesbian stuff before this, though, and was more curious about it at like 12 and 11. The first relationship in a show or anything I got obsessed with was a lesbian one but I didn't question that. I did have guys I think I found hot at the time (I don't think so now) as posters on my walls and stuff. When I was around 14-15 I think I was in love with my female best friend in retrospect, like I'd think about her all the time, get nervous when we were close in a heart-racing way and I felt heartbroken when our friendship ended, etc. And I remember being attracted to girls in locker rooms etc because I would feel like a perv every time we changed for a sports class and basically close my eyes the whole time, but can't remember a real life guy I was ever attracted to physically that stands out. (I mean, around 10 or so I had a 'boyfriend' that I was pushed into by my parent, but I wasn't interested in him as a person.) I shut off all my feelings for girls even when identifying as bi and sort of was in denial so it's hard to think about clearly. And I'd never been interested in relationships. I would always find it weird when people say they wanted one. So for the past couple of years I thought I might be aromantic or something. But in the last six months or so a switch went off in my my head as repressed memories of the trauma etc came up. And I started questioning things and thought immediately "oh shit, I'm a lesbian" like it just hit me. And I figured out what attraction actually was, and who I was attracted to, and I felt like I understood what the world meant with that. I think I thought just objectively thinking people were good looking was attraction. And now I don't feel attracted to any guys at all, really. Like I completely understand why people are though, which makes me feel weird and fake. I also have traits in guys I think are hotter than others which makes me feel like I really am secretly into them. I figured I am definitely only romantically into girls because I get excited thinking of being in a romantic relationship with a girl and it feels completely right to imagine. I understand why people would always talk about them and crushes etc. (Also, when a guy was interested in me in college I was super into our friendship, like obsessed, but when he asked me out I felt so awkward and wasn't interested even though he is on paper perfect for me. So I really don't think I like guys romantically from that.) However, my main hang up is I only ever got off to guys ever since my trauma etc. Like that doesn't sound like something a lesbian does. I say trauma because I think that maybe the reason I am into guys in this way is because it could be conditioned from what happened to me, but I don't know. I get turned on when I see stuff about guys being dominant with girls, basically, but not in any other context. And it's less of a "I want that" thought process, it's not exciting or something I would desire like I'd desire a girlfriend or watching a show, it's just like an instinctive gut pull turned on feeling. Which stresses me out. And I can fantasise about having sex with guys, and did do all my life (with some associated feelings of disgust?), but I don't even want to hold hands with guys it grosses me out in reality. A part of me feels like if I'm really a lesbian I wouldn't have been thinking about that stuff at all. And I still enjoy m/f pairings in writing and my own characters a lot, sometimes more than lesbian ones which makes me feel confused on occasion despite it not being me wanting the guys. With guys I don't ever think an individual one is attractive to me or at least not enough that I think I would actually be with them. Even celebrities. I can count to 5 hot guys I would want to just kiss on my hand, tops. But with girls I think so many of them that I know I am attracted to. It's like with guys I have an instinctive just arousal based attraction to this weird dominant/masculine presence and not any individual guys. I get confused over if it is even attraction or something else, like I was saying. I switch from labelling myself to lesbian to going with no labels. Bisexual just feels wrong because I don't want to be with guys, you know? I don't personally want it, but I'm worried that I'm denying some like 'true' sexuality of mine for guys that I'll wake up one day and realise was there all along. I know some people use homoromantic bisexual, but even if I can find this vague feeling of guys attractive I can't imagine actually having sex with one myself and I wouldn't want to so using the term feels inappropriate for me and doesn't click properly. I think it's hot imagining other girls doing it with guys, like characters, but not me. But with girls I get heart flips and fantasise about just kissing them and it makes me feel fluttery and it feels right and I would love to have a girlfriend. It's not always an instinctive thing but I know I want it. Sorry that this is really long. Congrats if you read it all. I mean, what do you think? I know I should probably not label myself until I am completely sure. Lesbian feels a lot right but partly wrong because it feels like I'm pretending I haven't felt things for guys before and that I don't find certain vague things hot like I said. But bisexual feels really wrong too because I don't personally think I could have sex with a guy and I would never date one. Idk what to do? I don't know what to tell people online, or how I would ever come out, or how I would explain this to a girl if I was interested in her. Does anyone reading feel like I am a sexuality I have heard of from this? Or just have advice? I'd appreciate anything. (I'm 18 years old, btw, if that helps.)
I don't know what to tell you, but I have pretty much the same story, so we can go through it together
I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. I've identified as bi for about a year and a half, but it doesn't feel quite right. And I'm still trying to figure out how I feel, but I'm slowly working towards finding who I am. I'm just glad I'm not alone.
Yes I totally understand this. I am similar apart from the trauma. I was obsessed with fantasies about guys a few years back and I feel a sexual response to men... but theres like quite a lack of interest since I've acknowledged my bisexuality. I want a girlfriend, I want girls and the only time I feel like I still like guys is when I'm feeling bad about myself. Similarly, throughout my life although I could see an attractive male celebrity and be like "yeah, based on this I guess I would have sex with him", I've never crushed on them like I do the female ones. I didn't care about them. And recently I rarely see the appeal, meanwhile I'm gushing over my celebrity girl crushes. Also, my crushes I've had on "real" guys in the past just seem like a completely different pathetic thing to the ridiculously intense crushes I've had on girls recently. They are different as well... much more emotional but also more... sensual... like I am obsessed with their feel and smell and have an urge to touch them. However, unlike you I'm not adverse to the idea of sex with a guy, I've just never felt that urge to kiss or touch a guy the same way I have with girls, so I really don't feel the need... So my main problem is that I feel at some point I'll get that with a guy... therefore I keep calling myself bisexual even though I'm not that happy with it. I think its good to sort of keep yourself open in this situation and not think about it too hard. Since bisexual doesn't have to be 50/50, it can be all the way over at 90%girls/10% guys, it seems like the best label for this situation though labelessness is probably better. That's how I try to view it. The only reason I want a label is because I sort of want to come out because I've been having a stressful time full of heartbreaks and drama recently and my mum is a little worried but I can't tell her anything because I'm not out. I sort of need to let it out. And she's getting way too suspicious in general to keep denying stuff. But I feel like I need to be sure, because she's not gonna be the most open, and I'm just not. If you don't plan on doing the proper coming out thing any time soon, you can really take your time truly deciding. That's all I the advice I can give. Mostly I'm just here as another voice saying "me too"!
Thank you for your reply (and to the other person who's replied too.) I guess it's weird being between no labels, bi and lesbian. Really glad I'm not the only one who struggles with this and has the same experience. Like sometimes I'm sure I'm a lesbian because someone implying I be with a guy makes me feel thrown off, but then that 'sexual response' is there making me confused because the word bi feels wrong for me but I maybe technically count in that 95% girls 5% guys ratio? It's weird. Thank you for the advice, no labels probably is best for me and most people in this situation, until we figure out a label that feels the most comfortable I guess. I just wish there was something simple that felt totally right for me
I feel the same way. I pretty much came to the conclusion of biromantic homosexual as I could maybe fall in love for a guy and do couple stuff but I could never have sex with a guy maybe it is the same for you? Sorry if I wasn't much help Good luck :icon_bigg
I feel the same way. I'm 80% girls to 20% guys but the ratio to girls goes up everyday. I have had sexual relationships with both (only 2 female relationships that I felt wernt taken seriously) I can have sex with a guy but when I think about it I'm not actually attracted to them? With a girl it just in a lame way feels magical. I am in a relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years and the longer it goes on the harder it is for me to have intimate feelings for him. Unfortunately I just feel like sexuality might be something for some of us which we'll never understand?
