Since I was a child, I realized I was much more interested in boys than girls. Then puberty came and I really realized that I was attracted to guys, not girls. It was kinda weird, because I actually had some crushes on some girls, there was this girl I really liked, but I still knew I was far more attracted to guys than to girls. I actually realized that when I started watching porn (yes, every teenager watches it, even though they shouldn't) and I realized that I was looking to the guys, not to the girls, then before I knew it, I was watching gay porn The problem is, that I never actually allowed myself to do anything about it. I did feel attracted to some guys during my teenage years but I never did anything, I never even kissed a guy before in my life. I have kissed a girl once, but I didn't really like it. I don't know, maybe I never accepted myself, but it didn't really bother me, I had some crushes but I got over them pretty quick and that was it. I was fine on my own, not being with anyone but still feeling attracted to guys. Things changed when I started college and fell for a friend. I've known him for 3 years now and I never did anything about it, I never told him. Something tells me he's gay too and might be interested, but maybe he's just as shy as I am, but most of the time I think it's just wishful thinking. I don't have the guts to say anything to him, he's my best friend now and I know that if I say anything and he doesn't like me back, it will ruin our friendship and I don't want that. I just want to get over this crush. As I said, I've had crushes on other people before but they never lasted, I was fine on my own before I met this guy. Now I can't stop thinking about him and wishing that I could be with him. So I told a friend (someone I met online, I don't really know him) and he told me that maybe I needed to find someone else to get over this friend. I tried some dating apps and I actually found some pretty nice people. I started talking to some guys, but whenever they said they wanted to meet me, I would just freeze and stop answering them. Then I tried to man up and just meet a guy I was talking to, he was being really nice and he wanted to take things slow. We went to the movies and I was panicking the whole time, feeling completely awkward. When we were watching the movie, he would try to touch me, grab my hand or caress my arms, things like that and I was completely freaking out. I know it's stupid, but I was feeling weird, I'm not used to people touching me like that and I was pretty aware of what his intentions were and I wasn't ready for that. So at the end, I just hugged him and went home, I didn't even kiss him. When I got home, I felt terrible for being such a weirdo. He was such a nice guy, he was cute, he was smart and I managed to ruin everything. I didn't even text him for a couple of days and then I texted him apologizing for everything and he was still really sweet, he said he had really liked me and he could see that I was tense and that I was probably new to all of this, but he wanted to see me again. I was a complete jerk and never texted him back after that. So now I don't know what to do. This whole thing just made me realize I have issues with intimacy. I realized that even if this guy I have a crush on says that he likes me too, I'll probably freeze and won't do anything. I even thought that maybe I was asexual, considering I was never interested in being with anyone, but I don't think I am. I feel attracted to guys, but I just can't go all the way with it. I don't think I would be able to do anything with girls either. For some reason, I'm blocking myself from having any intimacy with anyone. How can I change that? I feel extremely bad with all of this
So here're my two cents, hope they help! 1. Being able to act upon things often depends on a lot of things in each person's particular context. I'm sure you had your own reasons for not "doing" anything while growing up. If you weren't comfortable about it, then you wouldn't have enjoyed it, it's as simple as that. Moreover, figuring out one's sexual orientation can often be a very complex process because as adolescents we often don't know what to think! As you'd have read on other posts, people are figuring things out even at the age of 60 so don't worry that there's any set date by which you had to do that. So don't blame yourself 2. From my experience it can take a very, very long time to get over a crush and again it depends on the person. I have had a few very intense crushes about which I could do nothing but stew in silent fondness. I'm not completely sure dating someone else would help you "get over it faster" except in as much as giving you a possible new focus for your affection. Sorry, no easy answers for this! I used to try focusing on my work and my hobbies and my friends and folks. There'd be days when I'd spend all the time daydreaming about an impossible future with me and my crush. But they pass, albeit slowly. And one day you'll suddenly realize that the crush quietly melted away leaving just a beautiful memory in its place A crush is the most normal thing in the world and we all have them. It's harder when it's on real people and friends (as opposed to, say, Ryan Gosling) because we often want to believe that "maybe there's a chance it might work out!". If you really want to tentatively try figuring out if he's gay, you could start by asking him what he feels about LGBT issues in politics, in cinema, or something and then see how he reacts. Again, tread carefully! 3. I don't know what others might say, I think your "date" behaved inappropriately (also, not a good idea to go to a movie on a first date) if he started being touchy-feely right away. There's a personal boundary which no one should cross unless you give them express consent. No wonder you froze up! If there'd mutual chemistry and both guys are ok with it, sure, go ahead. But if you're uncomfortable, politely and firmly say that that's not on. Everybody has different reactions to touch and the last thing you want is someone strange invading that, no matter how cute or smart he is. 4. A capacity for intimacy is not an easy thing to judge. You haven't been in a relationship yet to claim that you're definitely going to have issues. Intimacy often takes a long time to build up along with trust, faith, and compatibility. "Going all the way" doesn't mean you lack intimacy. It just means you have a fear of physicality which would be perfectly rational given that you've never experienced it! I have the exact same worries as I've never been with a man in my life! Don't worry too much about labels like asexual or the like. You'll know what you want when you're with the right person. Don't force yourself into a box. What you might need to think about is whether you worry about emotionally opening yourself up to another person. If that is the case then that is something you might want to think about because emotional intimacy builds only with sharing stuff. But you don't want to share everything right away either! So, a bit long, and am not sure that it helped. But whew, that's what I had to say
That's pretty much the way I am, I have had a couple of sexual experiences though. First off if you don't feel ready then you don't have to do it. That being said, if you want to have an experience let your walls down and go for it. I don't know how old you are but the older you get the harder it gets to do this. I am only speaking from experience though. I don't know if you need to have a couple of drinks to loosen up and be a little less nervous. Maybe you can call that guy up again and ask if he would have a couple drinks with you and just take it slow? He knew you were tense and was still willing to go out with you. Maybe start out by asking if you can give him a massage or something? I wish you luck in your endeavor!
First of all, thanks a lot to both of you for replying, it really means a lot to me. That's kind of the problem, I know that I might be nervous because it's all new to me, I've never been with anyone and it might be the reason why I feel this way. But to be honest, I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready for it. I have some major anxiety issues that I'm currently trying to work on (it even affects my academic and professional career), so that might be one of the reasons why I feel like this, but I can't help it, I'm always thinking that I'll never be ready to have any kind of intimacy with anyone and it really makes me sad. I'm not sure if I want it, but the fact that I'm so closed to this kind of thing really makes me feel awful. I'm 20, I know I'm still young, but I just feel like at this point, things should have been different. I shouldn't be so closed up for this kind of thing, I just hate who I have become.
Don't hate who you've become. Sometimes you've gotta just challenge yourself a little. I have anxiety issues, at one point I was having panic attacks and ended up going on medication. The medication did help and I eventually got off of it. I think you do have a bit of a hard time accepting yourself, I know I did and still do. I think you should consider telling your friend that you are gay? I know you don't want to ruin your friendship, but I don't think it will. That is only a suggestion you don't need to do that if you don't want to. Sometimes you can get so caught up in thinking about this too much. If you find yourself getting all worked up about it take a break. Listen to some music, bury your mind in a hobby for a while, find something else to occupy your mind for a change. You are a good person, embrace who you are, people love you. Just breathe man, try and accept yourself a little more each day, see a doctor about your anxiety if you need to. Have a good day friend.
I also had two episodes of panic attacks, both happened while I was driving. It actually made me a little bit scared of driving, but I got over it. I tried therapy for a while and my therapist said I should consider seing a psychiatrist but I refused it. She suggested me trying homeopathy then, which I did, but in my case, it wasn't really helpful. I then stopped therapy all of the sudden because I wasn't feeling comfortable with it anymore. I could never really talk to my therapist, whenever things got too personal, I would dodge her questions, it's my fault that therapy never really helped me. I would only talk about my anxiety related to college stuff, never about personal stuff like this. I never even told her I was gay. I was thinking about starting therapy again, but it's not going to be helpful at all if I'm not able to actually open myself up. I don't know, it's much easier sharing here, because none of your are actually staring at me. Anyway, this guy I like, he helped me a lot when I had my second panic attack. I was supposed to go to a friends house and he was going to be there too, we were going to study. I was driving, on my way to her house and I started having a panic attack. I pulled over and I was completely freaking out, I tried staying calm. I guess I spent a lot of time like that, because he started calling me, to see where I was and why I was taking so long. I tried picking up my phone but I let if fall and I didn't pick it up again, for some reason I didn't want to. I waited for a long time for it to pass and when I managed to pick up my phone, I had like 15 missed calls from him. I called him and explained everything, he told me he would pick me up but I was so stressed out I didn't even know where I was and how to explain him, so I told him he didn't need to and that I would find my way back. Anyway, I don't know how, but I managed to drive to my friend's house and when I got there, they were both very worried, my crush had bought me tons of snacks because he said he was worried it had something to do with hypoglycemia, considering I hadn't eaten anything in the last 5 hours. It was one of the sweetest things he had ever done to me and later that day, I actually thought that it could mean that he likes me. But it's been a year since it happened and nothing happened between us. He goes back to ignoring me sometimes and then we get really close for a while... maybe he was just being a good friend and I was just believing in what I wanted to belive.
