16 y/o female, and for most of my life I've felt like I was straight, but now I feel like because it's what I'm supposed to do and what's expected of me. When I was younger, I favored the hot/cute guys in shows over anything. I've always imagined myself with a guy, but my fantasies are a bit odd: like a movie that's showing two people having sex instead of myself. Sex and romantic stuff doesn't repulse me in the slightest when I picture it with a guy, but with a girl I cringe. I've only had less than a handful of crushes (like, two), all of them on guys. But when it comes to girls I can't help thinking about them over and over in my jealousy and envy towards them or how pretty they are. I can easily acknowledge when they're pretty, goodlooking, hot, etc. That aside, I only get turned on if the guy's having sex, masturbating, etc. I don't get turned on by my own thoughts about them anymore. However, when it comes to girls, I get turned on when I see/picture their breasts, curves, moans. But then I feel really repulsed. It's like, I see girls as more friends than anything and whenever I picture kissing them or going on dates with them or holding them, I kind of cringe and avoid thinking like that (a Just No. sort of thing) Girls are definitely more attractive aesthetically than guys. But, hey, maybe that's just me in denial? When I see a male model or something and my friends swoon over it, I'm the one who's also gushing over his attractiveness. I won't ever experiment or date- never have, never will. I come from a very hardcore, conservative family that is super religious. I'm not as strict or intense as them (at least, I hope not ahaha) but I definitely want to respect and hold my religion to me in someway at all. Anyway, my family believes in no dating and straight up marrying. So dating's out of the window- I've never dated anyone before. But when I see kissing in general, I look the other way. Between straight couples, I just feel jealous about how cute they are or something along those lines. Thank you to anyone who's willing to help.
Hold on....no dating? So you don't get to know someone, you just marry? Ummmm...no idea what to say about that...nothing good to say....but it could be having a huge impact on you working out your sexuality. It sounds like being gay would be absolutely not an option so you aren't willing to accept you could be... Your life is yours to do with as you please..and not for you to fit into other's expectations. Trust me, been there, done that...now I'm happily accepting I'm gay...and wishing I'd done it sooner...
Are you from an Asian background? I say this because some of their religions believe in marrying without dating and it could be someone you barely know. This is something I struggle to get my head around, because my family is very religious too but it's Christian, so although they're homophobic, they can't force me to marry. However I am strongly attracted to both a guy and a girl who are both Asian (Hindus) and they're expected to marry even though they're bisexual and don't necessarily want to marry.
It seems you're probably bisexual but of course are very adverse both conciously and subconciously to same-sex relationships because of the importance of your religion to you. If you are happy with the idea of marrying a man, I hope you have a happy marriage. However, the fact that you felt the need to post on a forum such as this might show you are feeling some sort of conflict. If that is the case, I hope you give yourself the time to consider if there would be some way for you to date at least a little before marriage, and really make sure that the path set out for you by your family is the one you want to follow. Either way, good luck to you.